Interview: Nicole Dennis-Benn

Author Nicole Dennis-Benn       Cover of Here Comes The Sun by Nicole Dennis-Benn

 

Nicole Dennis-Benn was born in Kingston, Jamaica. She left her home country at age seventeen to attend Cornell University, where she earned a B.A. in biology and nutritional sciences. She then earned a master’s in Public Health from the University of Michigan, and went on to work for Columbia University as a project manager in the Department of Social Sciences. She wrote during all of these years and, while working for Columbia, completed an MFA in fiction writing from Sarah Lawrence College.

 

We caught up with Dennis-Benn shortly after she published her first novel, Here Comes the Sun. The novel won a Lambda Literary Award and has been named a New York Times Notable Book and Editors’ Choice, a Kirkus Reviews Best Debut Fiction, an Amazon Best Book, and numerous other recognitions. Learn more about her work at her website.

 

 

Lisa Roney for The Florida Review:
Here Comes the Sun is a difficult book to read, not because of the writing–the writing is exquisite–but because the subject matter is difficult.

 

Nicole Dennis-Benn:
It’s a lot. It’s a lot that I dealt with in that book. Yeah, which I’m happy to talk about with you.

 

TFR:
Yes. One of the things I really loved about it was the centrality and complexity of the female characters. You know, there are male characters, too. And some of them are treating lovingly, like Charles. But it’s clearly a women-centered story.

 

Dennis-Benn:
Yes, it is.

 

TFR:
And Margot and Thandi are particularly compelling. I wonder if you could talk a little bit about how you inhabited those two different characters. They are obviously, clearly close and related. I wonder whether you feel that each of them takes up a part of you?

 

Dennis-Benn:
Right. That’s a good question.

 

TFR:
How do you feel about that?

 

Dennis-Benn:
Thandi, in all honesty, came into being when I went back to Jamaica in 2010. I moved to the US in 1999. And I never went back home because I feel like, yes, it would be only for brief visits, but I was in this self-imposed exile where I didn’t want to deal with the classism, the homophobia. All these other things. So I stayed away. But, upon meeting my wife, who was then my girlfriend, she said, “You know, you’ve never taken me to Jamaica, where you’re from. You have all this accent,” she’d say, but I didn’t even take her to the parts in Brooklyn that’s populated with Jamaicans. That was how, I think, traumatized I was.

 

And so, I finally made the decision to take her back home in 2010. And in going back home, a lot of the emotions that I was running away from came back. And I didn’t know what to do with them but just journal. And in journaling, I remember, Thandi came up. Because I was that girl, in high school, who felt ostracized because of our complexion. And also being working class. And so I was like, “Well, I’m not a non-fiction author, yet.” But, as a fiction author, how do I channel that? And Thandi, Thandi’s character came about ’cause she’s really me in that sense of going through that. In terms of… feeling insecure, feeling invisible. I wanted to document that through a teenage girl’s eyes. You know, because on the island itself they say, “Well, it’s vanity that would drive a girl to bleach her skin.” But she’s showing us that, no, it’s actually this whole context of feeling unworthy because of her darker complexion. And forcing people to say, “Well, look at me.” And so that’s really where I wanted to go, I hoped to have gone with that character.

 

TFR:
You did. You did. And I felt like you did a good job in the sense that you showed very well just the sort of myriad pressures on her, about that issue. One might think, “Why would anyone do that?”

 

Dennis-Benn:
Right.

 

TFR:
But you build them gradually, to just kind of show the pressure on her.

 

Dennis-Benn:
Yeah. And even her own educational possibilities. People want her… Margot and Delores want her to be a doctor. And she herself is saying, “No. That’s not what gonna get me that access. What’s gonna get me that access is lightening my skin.” And a lot of girls and boys that stay in Jamaica still feel the same way.

 

Margot is also a part of me as well. Because Margot, I call her my heroine. Because I feel like Margot is that person that I wanted to be, in that she was able to say, “You know what? I’m not given the things that I need to survive in life.” Like, she didn’t have the best education, like Thandi. Her mother sold her into prostitution very early. And Margot uses what she knows. And she’s kinda like that voice in society that’s saying that, “Well you know, this is what’s gonna get me that piece of that pie that I’ve been denied. And this is all I know. So let me use that to get ahead.” And so, people think Margot is a villain. I mean, yes, I can understand that.

 

TFR: But she’s heartbreaking.

 

Dennis-Benn:
But she’s heartbreaking. Exactly. The struggle with her being loved by her mother. The struggle with her own internal identity, or her sexuality. All these things are burdening Margot. And so, I think with that character, I kind of used not only what I’d experienced with homophobia, but also experiencing that anger. For a country that is so… Upward mobility is so hard there. And so, for Margot to say, “Well, it’s hard, but I’m gonna break it somehow.”

 

So I wanted to show the reader where that character is coming from. For her to have made certain decisions, though unpopular.

 

TFR:
Right. It’s interesting—I don’t want to get off the subject, but right now we’re living through a time in this country where rage seems appropriate, too.  I think about the rage that  how powerless people seem to feel here, and then you think about someone who has experienced what she’s experienced with far fewer resources, and…

 

Dennis-Benn:
Exactly.

 

TFR:
More discrimination. And you’re just like, “God, that rage… ”

 

Dennis-Benn:
Exactly.

 

TFR:
It just seems to grow. I found Margot really, really the most interesting. Because I couldn’t decide how I felt about her. It was, obviously, she was doing these horrible things to people that she supposedly cared about.

 

Dennis-Benn:
Right. I like that, exactly. And using her sexuality as a weapon.

 

One thing I wanted to talk about in the book was also the sexualization of our girls, and Delores, Margot, and Thandi have been victimized sexually. We have this conversation a lot, in terms of victims versus survival, in terms of the wording itself. And Margot, I feel like she’s that person that, if she were in this room, she would not say “I was a victim of anything, I am a survivor. I am gonna continue surviving.” So, taking that and putting it in that character as well, because Here Comes The Sun is about exploitation of the land itself but also the bodies of women. And, there was that parallel with Margot herself, kind of doing to those women what our government had done to us, in terms of the exploitation.

 

TFR:
This brings up something that’s masterful in the novel, your mastery of analogy and simile … and how often it was almost metonymic because there was this close relationship between the place and the bodies. You even talked about Margot and “the island of her body.” And then there was that wonderful one, “the red hibiscuses hang from their stems like the tongues of thirsty dogs.” And “they are as silent as caterpillars that rest on the leaves”, and then “Charles’s palms are dry and surprisingly warm like sun-warmed stones.”

 

Dennis-Benn:
Oh my gosh, I wrote that? [laughter]

 

TFR:
Yeah, you did! In fact, I had a whole list of them, that was like in the first half of the book, and then as time got closer, and I was reading this in the car and stuff, I was making a list of them in the back ’cause they go throughout the book. That kind of connection between bodies and place, and other phenomena, and the environment. Is that something that you did consciously?

 

Dennis-Benn:
I didn’t do it consciously! But I do have a passion, though. I feel that we are connected to our environment. We are… Everywhere we inhabit, we’re part of the universe, we’re part of the Earth, everything. So, I try my best not to overlook that in my writing as well, and I think it has come out.

 

TFR:
You could get somebody to go through your book with a highlighter and note all those, because I was thinking this would be a great literary criticism essay because they were just so close, and they were so predominant. You used the metaphoric language really well. They were always so apt, and yet they were thematic as well, which is really wonderful. Well, one of the things that Margot obsesses about is moving to another place on the island with Verdene, or even to London. But, Verdene tells her it wouldn’t really be different in those places.

 

So this actually reminded me… I don’t know if you’ve ever read Carson McCullers’ novelette, A Member of the Wedding, and it was written in the first half of the 20th century, and it’s kind of a pre-Civil Rights era story, but Frankie is obsessed about the North. And she dreams about moving to the North, which Carson McCullers ultimately did. She left her native Georgia and moved to New York. But it just reminded me of that kind of longing of this mythical place, where everything will be better. So, how do you think that the dream of a safe and accepting place influences the plot of this book, and to what extent do you consider that mythical other place an obsession in your work, in general?

 

Dennis-Benn:
Margot very much wants to escape, right? So, in her mind, she feels like escaping to Lagoons… That was gonna give her the safety that she wants, especially being a lesbian woman. I mean, she wouldn’t call herself a lesbian woman, but very much in love with Verdene. And I think that was her first step in acknowledging this love for Verdene. Of course, she ends up crushing it, but in her mind that place would signify happiness, it would signify abundance and love. For her, it was really important, but in one part Verdene would say to her, “Well, we’re still in Jamaica. It’s not like Lagoons is in the United States or in Canada. We’re still in Jamaica.” Even that dynamic of still not wanting to leave her own country… Even though, perhaps Verdene could take her to London, and Verdene herself is living in Jamaica, loving the country so much that they still don’t want to leave it. But still not being able to survive as themselves. And I wanted very much to capture that as well. In our country, a lot of people fantasize about heading up North, like heading to the United States.

 

TFR:
And you did that!

 

Dennis-Benn:
Yeah exactly! It’s like, what we see on the other side… The other side looks greener. And for a lot of us, it’s freedom, freedom to be ourselves. For me, it was freedom to be a lesbian. And I am sure if Margot had that freedom to come here too, she would probably would have said yes. If it weren’t for Thandi keeping her back, for example. But I had no such links, besides parents, saying, “Coming here, I could be also beautiful.” Because in my own country, it’s kind of interesting because yes, there is classism, there is complexionism. Here, there’s racism. But it’s more hurtful to be discriminated against by your own people, who are looking down on you because in their minds there’s a hierarchy of blackness. But here I’m like, “Oh, well… Okay, you expect it, so what?” It’s kind of interesting psychologically to…

 

TFR:
It’s not that it doesn’t exist here. It’s not that it’s the mythic perfect place.

 

Dennis-Benn:
Exactly, yeah. But it’s better than still working in a house of all people of color and being looked down upon by your own people who you’ve expected them to embrace you.

 

TFR:
That’s interesting. What do you think the pros and cons have been for you, of moving from Jamaica to New York? And I think again of this situation that we’re in in this country right now, where people keep saying, “I’m gonna move to Canada.” And I have the option. My husband’s a Canadian citizen, so… And he’s lived there before. He grew up there, lived most of his life there. He knows it’s not a mythic perfect place, but sometimes for me it kind of looms that way, other than the weather. So what do you think about this… I guess there are two conflicting urges that we have and one is to find a better place, and one is to stand and fight.

 

Dennis-Benn:
I think what’s going on with this country is that Americans are now experiencing what it’s like to be an immigrant because it’s not the easiest decision to move away from your home land. And so when that decision is made it’s definitely because you’re fleeing something and hoping for the better, but still not wanting to cut ties with your country. Period. And so it’s like that ambivalence that we feel and it’s gonna definitely… It’s a lifetime of feelings. Home-sickness is definitely not the easiest and I think I wouldn’t mock anybody leaving the United States, but at the same time I think it’s worth it to still fight, to still stay here.

 

Especially for those people who are voiceless. And I got emotional when I was at BEA in Boston because, while I’m here I’m free technically, I’m that immigrant living the “dream” whatever that looks like. For me it’s that published book that ended up here in the New York Times, and I felt like, “Wow!” But a lot of my friends, the Margots of society, they are back in Jamaica and I’m gonna get emotional… They can’t come here, they can’t escape. And so what do they do with their situation? Some of them wither, some of them just give up. I have a friend in Jamaica, she’s now a security guard and… She should be in this chair because she’s a writer, and yeah… But I made it… I’m getting teary-eyed…

 

TFR:
Clearly I think there is a way in which this is a social protest novel… Do you have a sense about what you think writer’s responsibility is in terms of writing for social justice and change, and how do you balance that with other concerns in your writing?

 

Dennis-Benn:
I use fiction as my best method of activism. Because it’s not didactic. People don’t know that they’re being fed certain things, ’cause it’s entertaining. So I try my best to balance that.

 

TFR:
Page turner. [chuckle]

 

Dennis-Benn:
I do it through characterization. Humanizing characters, or documenting the human experience. So, yes, a book could be set in Jamaica, or it could be set in Brooklyn, or Canada, or wherever. But people can still come to the table knowing that, “Well, this is what I’ve felt before in terms of relationships, or love and loss, or displacement.” Doing it that way, and then individuals can see how certain things affect people.

 

TFR:
And maybe relate to it in a way that they might not otherwise.

 

You mentioned just very briefly when we first sat down to talk that you haven’t written nonfiction yet. So is that something you’ve been thinking about?

 

Dennis-Benn:
I’ve been thinking about it, because I’ve been writing a series of essays and people have been saying, “Oh, this looks like a collection you’re starting here.” Or even I’ve gotten inquires about memoirs, for example. I think at some point I will, but I think for now I speak through my fiction. But I’m not knocking the idea of doing a nonfiction down the road.

 

TFR:
There are different thoughts about it in terms of, what you say, in terms of people sometimes, I think, have an easier time entering into the fictional world and absorbing that fictional world. And on the other hand there’s the urge to testify which you can do, really, a nonfiction as yourself, as, “This is my experience and it’s real.”

 

Dennis-Benn:
Exactly. Yeah…

 

TFR:
Okay, cool. Well, I’ll look forward to that. [chuckle]

 

Dennis-Benn: The thing with non-fiction, I think it’s also more brave… With fiction we hide behind our characters, while with non-fiction you say… You’re right, it’s you.

 

TFR:
Another question I wanted to ask you about has to do with secrets. Could you talk a little bit more about why… I kept thinking about secrets in this book and how harmful they are and how strange it kind of is that there’s such a wonderful plot device, and yet… I would just pretty much say most of the time in life they’re just awful. Do you think you could comment about that relationship between the fictional world and the living world where secrets drive fiction forward? Secrets are this thing that can be uncovered and can land surprises for people that change them. As opposed to in life where mostly they’re just a destructive element. I mean, in some ways they are in fiction too I guess.

 

Dennis-Benn:
I feel like we’re constantly evolving as human beings, and there are usually epiphanies that happen. It doesn’t have to be the deepest darkest secrets but something that we didn’t know before, that we just discovered, and we’re like, “Oh. Wow,” and the world suddenly looks different.

 

And using that device in fiction I feel like, for Thandi of course being a teenager, discovering that her mother is not perfect. And that discovery for a lot of us happens when we’re a little older, when we were like, “Oh, our parents are human beings as well. They’re not God.” And so, for her saying, “Oh, wow. Delores did this? Really?” And then Margot keeping that secret that would actually save her life, because if she ever discloses that, that could be the end of it for her. So that was important for her to keep. And then with Thandi, that secret of wanting to be an artist, and wanting desperately to… She wants more, but also what’s really ailing her is feeling invisible and knowing that she’ll still keep that as a secret and pretend to be that color.

 

TFR:
I wanted to ask which was about your use of dialect in the book. Dialect is so often criticized and you obviously made a choice to say “No. This is a part of the culture and I want to reflect that accurately.” So what… Could you talk a little bit more about your decision to write the dialogue in dialect so frequently?

 

Dennis-Benn:
My book is about working class Jamaican women. And they would not be speaking standard English unobserved. Language is a huge part of identity so I wanted to preserve that because forcing the reader to slow down because to see, to hear them speak and even… It’s to really see them as well. Live on the page with them just for a moment. And I find that that’s really important for me. Not only to preserve my language but also the authenticity of the characters.

 

TFR:
Any other last things that you would like to tell us about Here Comes The Sun or what you’re up to next?

 

Dennis-Benn:
So first of all I enjoyed writing this book. It was definitely a great purging in writing this book. There are still themes from Here Comes The Sun that will be in the second book, but it will be even more layered… I’m really excited now about that second project.

 

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A Love Supreme

after John Coltrane

 

The paraffin vapor trails from the heater,

and at the window, lilies and corn plants

 

slack like morphine-softened tongues.

Again, from downstairs the muffled sighs

 

rise from the neighbor watching porn,

and across the street the blue porch light

 

comes on, and the youth, like shadows,

slip in and out the cracked screen door.

 

The greasy sheen of the wartime-grey road

reflects the moon—a damp cigarette butt

 

orbiting the city slowly as if held by someone

tired from the day, someone who yet again

 

fades into his own, perhaps darker night.

The little blue urn with your mother’s ashes

 

sits by the spinning vinyl of Coltrane.

We stroke each other’s silence. You give. I take.

 

What we keep unsaid we taste on our tongues,

and we call that fate. You say, I’m crazy

 

about you, and in your blood-hot eyes I see

phone wires suspended over deserted miles,

 

a man sipping on one more glass of scotch,

the fluency of his tight lips, sleepless eyes,

 

keeping his and my shelved love

from crushing it by oxygen and sunlight,

 

the poverty of words, and I hold onto

what’s in my memory, and what’s in my hands.

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Why

Because you were loved and resented

and read to and fed. Because someone

bought you books when you were good.

Because you were used by grown-ass

men. Because you never told and then

you did. Because your mother let you wear

her perfume. Because you didn’t fall

from the water tower in that speck

of a town and you didn’t die later

in the reservoir drunk on sloe gin.

You never had to learn to walk again,

there’s no cancer yet and your family

didn’t take vacations. Because you rode

in the bed of pickup trucks fast enough

to feel the sting of your sister’s hair

on your face. Because your father

was a drunk. Because you were poor.

Because your mother said so. Because

she said no. Because you snuck out.

Because you left. Because you fell in love

with a man and again with your children.

Because your dog died in your arms.
The fires are close. There are mud slides,
boulders losing purchase—a million
brutal ways for loved ones to leave you.

There’s a debt you’ll never pay down,

and it’s not that you know there’s honor

in trying, only that you were taught

by kind people who did their best,

to be grateful for what you have

and what you don’t and sometimes,

to ask for more.

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Visual Haiku

The photographs in these “visual poems” were taken with a Holga toy camera in the Far East; they represent research undertaken into Chinese and Japanese aesthetic principles and traditions of representation. The elements and principles of art have been used to translate the characteristics of Japanese short poetry – such as economy and the linking of dissimilar things – into the syntax of visual language. As wordless artworks, however. the poems consist entirely of the associations and allusions suggested by the images; the viewer / reader decides the meanings as the poems are open-ended and meditative, having floated free of words.

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For the City of Lincoln

I turn onto O Street

From 14th in the middle of the night

I see a streetlight bending beyond the shadow

Of its pole to kiss the asphalt

In the stomach.

 

This thing is going to happen again.

 

My muscles squeeze to a stop

My teeth rattle hallelujah in front of the African store

My heart halts at the red light

Pulling the season with him to a freeze:

 

This thing is happening again.

I reach for Vine all covered with fallen leaves now

Brown brown and dry dry

This lively fountain behind me shall die, soon

And that glee stream too,

Taking with him his running joy into the grave of ice

 

But I shall be here, still

Coiled in the folds of her sanctuary

Whiffing this rusting heart

Waiting

Warming

Counting

 

And kissing the sunshine in the cold of this Winter.

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Daily Monsters: Three Poems

Where the Wild Things Are, Too

I want to tell my daughter the monsters
moving in the night are her parents.
I am a bare-chested wildebeest—
a minotaur with broken horns—
mom is something more subtle
and serpentine. She will turn
intruders into stone.

 

We throw our voices against the cave wall.
We aim to confuse. We snuff out the flames.
We hope you sleep through oblivion,
the packed bags and misplaced phones,
the dental floss leading out of the labyrinth.
We hope you wait years before slaying us
and ripping our arms out of their sockets
just for the hell of it,

 

at least

 until morning’s light

 

bashes our heads in.

 

 

Kudzu Roots

Recent reports read that kudzu
roots are not so prevalent. That
the South’s monsters have been
exaggerated. And yet, in all
these black-and-white family photos,
our eyes shine green as Catholic Ireland.

 

The vines could not be harvested
and withered under blazing hoof-
beats and instead were planted
as a means for battling the wind—

 

In what forms were they ever really rooted?

 

Like anything foreign in one land
or the next, they grew from gardens
near the home, creeping in private
memories, around dinner plates
and bedposts, in the pastel soap
dish tucked beside the kitchen sink.
Like a latch key, a fleck of blood
no one knew existed turned some-
where in the night and gathered up
its seed, as a means for hiding some-
thing too sinister to be dissolved
in sweet tea and idle chatter.

 

These murmurs bleached their own
mythologies. The door standing ajar
permitted shadows to experiment
in either botany or prayer, and
the green monsters swallowing
alabaster moons dwindled
in rearview mirrors, until size
and shape were no larger than pup-
pets, with thumbs for ears—

 

Can I hitch a ride tonight?

 

The truck does not slow down for the man
standing on the shoulder, his arm
extended from the dark eaves
in an unanswerable optimism.

 

The vines choked the red brick
steeple, purple blossoms swinging
like bells in the morning light.
Kudzu roots tangled with our
heartstrings. The past has a name
flowing in the veins of the earth,
and the future hides in the shade
feasting on rows of broken church
pews and forlorn hymnal pages.

 

Do the words or the organ sound first?

 

The transient past bleeds into
the groundwater. They used to
spray herbicide on those vines
by the highway. Daddy laughed
at the wasted effort. When you plant
a seed, when the seed breaks open
to the will of the roots, then that wall
between was and is no longer stands
for anything. Perhaps the mighty vine
only swallowed a thumbnail “one-sixth
the size of Atlanta.” Well, anybody could still
hide a secret in a body that size, and any
body would still have a story to tell—

 

After picking suckers off tobacco stalks,
we would drink from an unwashed cup.
I could mine the metal in the cool drops;
the flavor of gold fillings in my grandpa’s mouth—
the sustenance of his words on my tongue,
his pronunciation of the word bum: as if
it could be pronounced bomb and
leave its meaning unchanged in the eyes
and ears of his captive children. The dogs
sniffed out the tiny bones near the lattice
wrapped in grapevines, but they found no
name for its toothless jaws.

 

Could you touch the nature of it if you rolled down the window—

 

or would you be left holding the sound of cicadas in bloom?

Speaking with Mammoths

We shiver in the Arctic
of the ICU.  These bodies
on beds like polar bears
with urine-colored fur.
They are noble, and they
are dying. Doctors
at a distance jot down notes.

 

His head is a weak vulture
on white sheets. His teeth
are yellow with cannibalism.
I watch him now with his
absence of speed and purpose.
He floats on his iceberg bed.

 

“Tell me about the mammoth!”
I almost scream, but his posture
is unnatural as he recedes
into the pillow. His life retreats,
but I can still feel the mass
of his piercing tusk—
that act of fire and blood.

 

Underneath the glacier’s thrust
are scars cutting the stone.
He is cold now, but he was colder
then—even as he blanketed my
body and devoured its shape
with child and marriage and
now this unnamed state.

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Composite

 

My passion for music, archaeology, and branding often shows up in my artwork. Much of my work features remnants of pop culture, with themes infused of spiritual, chronological, and ontological motifs. My work is created with a variety of media — typically ink, watercolor, and acrylic — as well as digital tools like Illustrator and Photoshop. Tinkering with a synthesis of hand-drawn sketches and digital manipulation, I continue to explore the rewarding, often meandering, paths to visual narrative.

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Language as Remembrance, Witness, Companion

In June the Labyrinth, by Cynthia Hogue
Red Hen Press, 2017
76 pages, paper, $17.95

 

 

Cynthia Hogue’s latest collection from Red Hen Press unfolds around a journey to the labyrinth at Chartres Cathedral undertaken as an elegiac pilgrimage. On this journey, Hogue maps a poetic space connecting grief and immortality, presence and immanence, love and loss. These connections demonstrate the power of language as remembrance, witness, and, ultimately, companion.

 

In June the Labyrinth begins following the death of Hogue’s mother and is dedicated to four of the poet’s friends who died in the subsequent two years of the book’s writing. As the poet begins the journey through the cathedral labyrinth, she transports the reader to an inner labyrinth of voices:

 

The difference between finding a way

and finding the way

 

is like that between not knowing

and having forgotten.

 

The spiraling movement of the labyrinth walk is layered with voices, primarily those of the I-speaker and the figure of the dying Elle, a strong female presence determinedly writing her “book of wisdom” until “she cannot hold her pen.” When Elle calls and a demon answers, Elle knows she is on her own:

 

This is the crux of her belief:

No one here to fall

back on but herself, she the wild,

and true blue, the only starry night.

 

Elle walks the labyrinth “meekly above ground / (there is a clearing in her heart).   A crunching sound / like wheels on gravel, a whirring / as of flight. A lifetime’s surrender.” The I-speaker, on the other hand, walks the labyrinth casting intuitive petals in the four cardinal directions as if to ward off the inevitability of Elle’s death. In the face of this loss, the speaker’s ritual creates poetically an opening of time into a space layered and timeless where self and other arrive as companions already loved, a place of healing.

 

With a generosity of spirit, an imaginative embodying of others within a self, and an inclusive carrying of lost beloveds within the human heart, Hogue’s poems demonstrate how language may transmute the experience of grief as habitation; they evidence the way a poem may become a form of visitation, embodiment, and possession which C. D. Wright called being “one with others.”

 

Hogue’s honed and spare language embraces innovative play with words misread, crossed out, called out, and sounded, giving the collection a vibrant texture. The poem “(“dehors et dedans”),” for example, begins with a fruitful misreading and then carves words out of themselves, a creative strategy that suggests, in this context, how “real” life remains “sliced from unreal” even as “life’s excluding” Elle and the speaker “cannot harbor / her.”

 

Outside is inside,

I misread Bachelard’s French

imagining Elle belonging when

 

life’s excluding her.

She will message me,

I think. But I cannot harbor

 

her. She is inside herself,

sliced from unreal, real,

as no from not.

 

A hope in the face of devastating loss is that Elle will “message me, I think.” The message is not a sure thing, yet if the speaker puts her mind to it, if she can imagine it, she may hear it. The power of memory and imagination connects the living and the dead. Embodied through Hogue’s language, it becomes a witness to the emotional and spiritual complexity of the grieving process:

 

being close enough to touch

differed from her distant love,

safely abstracted from presence.

Elle’s goodness found in her forgiveness.

 

Hogue achieves the flow and syncopation of the book’s startling music through her finesse with line, space, punctuation, and variations of form from tercets, quatrains, sestets and septets, to a hyphenated list, field composition, and prose. A subtle chiming rings through the book’s outer and inner worlds, which connect through sound and Hogue’s own aliveness as a poet.

 

One feels her urgency in seeking to understand and to reckon with the power of loss and death, particularly a daughter’s loss of her mother. Elle becomes the speaker’s familiar, an inner witness on the journey through a life learning to accept death through forgiveness:

 

Forgiveness is a labyrinth, a way,

 

going in this direction and not that,

 

the ethical route and heart’s root,

 

the core, of course, riddle of how

 

to cure the poison of the demon,

 

that bitterness which

 

bent her like a bell

 

until at last she sounded

 

sound.

 

Cynthia Hogue’s In June the Labyrinth is a stunning and unforgettable book. It is a letting in of grief rather than a letting go. Hogue’s poems demonstrate how one does not recover but rather uncovers and discovers truths about the other’s being in relation to oneself. Ultimately, these truths come to rest in language itself, in the poem embodied as a form of conscious companion.

 

 

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Postscript, Nighthawks

In the Spring 2017 issue of The Florida Review, we featured our 2016 Editors’ Awards winners and finalists,
including Robert Stothart’s near-fantastical yet thoroughly realistic essay “Nighthawks.”
For the beginning of 2018, we give you this postscript, which highlights the fragility of life,
yet the perseverance of friendship, fascination, and the healthy ability to look both
back and forward, and to keep our sanity through all kinds of soul-challenges.

 

My essay “Nighthawks” isn’t really about the bird itself; rather, it’s about what came to mind after seeing an extraordinary descent of nearly a hundred of those birds out of the sky and into our yard to catch tiny drops of water from our lawn sprinkler as smoke from wildfires all across the West reddened the sky at sunset. After The Florida Review published the essay, a box of extra copies arrived. I sent some out to friends across the country and delivered a few to neighbors along Owl Creek Road in Wyoming, where we now live.

 

Just a couple of days later, while walking east down our road, I found a nighthawk on the edge of the blacktop. This was shortly after sunrise, the low sun blinding, so I wasn’t sure what I was seeing at first. A road kill of some sort. A bird. But it looked alive, sitting in front of me, its wings crossed motionless across its back.

 

When I picked it up, I found the body flexible, unbroken, and unblemished. No blood, not even a bent feather. But dead. Its tiny claws, a delicate blue gray, intricately articulated for grasping, reached out motionless and empty. When I turned the bird over, tan and white chest stripes suggested some kind of little owl. Our road is aptly named, and there are some very tiny owls. But the head seemed much too small, and the beak tinier still, not at all owl-like. When I unfolded the long and pointy wings, I saw at once the bold white stripe across each. I knew then, without question: Nighthawk.

 

I wanted to take it home and preserve it, but not as a trophy. There are enough of those lifted out of the Wyoming landscape. I wanted to keep it so that I could look at it and think more about it. I wanted to study it in stillness after first seeing it in that great rush, down out of the sky. A totem perhaps, an animal that Claude Lévi-Strauss says is chosen not because they are “good to eat” but because they are “good to think.”

 

I studied the bird as I walked the last mile home, carrying it in a small nest that I made with my hands. I turned it over. The underside was geometrical with those parallel chest stripes, but over the dark wing edge onto the back, the geometry gave way to drab colors in wilderness chaos. The back and head blended in masterful dense, dark camouflage.

 

I walked through the door and briefly lifted the nighthawk to show my wife, but went immediately online to look up preserving dead birds, like looking up how to cook a turkey for one’s first Thanksgiving away from home. I worried that I’d have to cut it open and remove the internal organs, though I think I would have done that.

 

At first, I found information on preserving body parts—claws, heads, and wings. Then finally how to preserve a whole bird. A quick survey of instructions online made it look simple: spread a bed of borax in a tight box and pack the body of the bird under a thick mound of borax, then close the box for six weeks. The borax would apparently draw out and absorb all the body fluids. I stopped, however, when I noticed several websites warned that I might need a permit. Fines for possession of certain species are steep, even threatening significant jail time.

 

I called Game and Fish for Hot Springs County. They gave me the number to the office in Cheyenne, our state capital. The state capital said to call Denver and the Feds for our district in the Rocky Mountains:

 

Nighthawks are a protected species. Yes, you will need a permit even before picking up the bird.

 

I already picked it up. It’s right here on my desk.

 

You’re in violation.

 

Can I get a permit?

 

You already picked it up. You’re already in violation. Are you Native American?

 

No, but I worked for a tribe in Washington State for ten years.

 

Doesn’t count. Are you associated with a museum?

 

No, but I’ve been a member of the Buffalo Bill Center of the West since 2000.

 

Doesn’t matter. Would you be using this bird for educational purposes?

 

I just wrote an essay on nighthawks.

 

That’s a stretch. We have a backlog of permits right now. A permit will take at least two months. Will you be using the preserved bird for at least twelve presentations a year, each of which would require a written follow-up?

 

No. So what should I do?

 

You’re already in violation.

 

Should I put it back on the road? (I was kidding.)

 

If someone were to see you and report you, the fine would be substantial.

 

I live thirty miles out of town. I’m not going to put it back on the road. What should I do?

 

You should burn or bury the carcass.

 

Thanks for your help. 

 

I emailed my friend Rob Koelling. I’d sent him a copy of my essay. He loves birds with a passion and is skilled in observing them. He is a master at catching a distinctive image plucked from their flight or from their rest. He goes out taking their pictures whenever he can, in all lights and weathers. Recently, however, he has been at home caring for his wife, who is seriously ill. We haven’t seen each other for nearly three years. When I email him, he frequently replies with pictures of birds, some from his archives or some of birds he’s recently spotted off his back porch. He emails when he can, sometimes after long silences.

 

Within a few hours this time, however, I received this email:

 

Coincidence? I got out for the first time in a while to take some photos. I stopped by a dead cottonwood near the road to look at a western kingbird’s nest.  Then I noticed the nighthawk. It has been years since I’ve seen one of these guys sitting still.

 

He attached his picture:

 

 

Totem, from the Ojibwe, indoodem: my clan.

 

I took the nighthawk to a cottonwood that leans out over a dry wash, far back on our place. It’s near our south fence that borders grazing land of the Shoshone and Arapaho. I placed the small bird up in a sort of nest of twigs, shadowed with overhanging leaves. A Coast Salish man up near the Canadian border told me a long time ago that when you want something that you’ve found, something that seems left behind or abandoned, you need to put it in a tree overnight. I’d asked for a baby blanket that belonged to his two-year-old nephew for whom I’d just served as pallbearer. If it’s there the next morning, he said, you are supposed to keep and care for it. If it’s gone, you weren’t supposed to have it.

 

My granddaughter’s one-eyed dog followed me out to the cottonwood. I can see the tree from my back porch. The dog and I are the only ones who know where the nighthawk is.

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Driving East at Christmastime

My father is outside the car, hugging the guardrail on the I-35 bridge. Cars are honking. He’s under a lot of stress, Mom says, like we haven’t noticed this festering since Thanksgiving. We’re driving home from Fargo. The sun blinks through pregnant clouds, melting snow on the shoulder. Stay here, Mom says, like there’s someplace we can go. The car idles.

 

Hey, fag. My older brother, Kyle, punches my shoulder. I twist to return his blows, and he spits a Skittle that strikes the bridge of my nose. I swing at his face, but he ducks and pounds my thigh and yells, Charlie horse! My brother, Kyle, only fifteen, already a hyper-masculine caricature of his younger self, the Kyle who only a year ago planned D&D campaigns with me, whom I once believed would protect me from anything.

 

I can see Dad’s shoulders heave. Mom crouches next to him, rubs his back. Whispers into his hair.  Kyle unbuckles his seatbelt and climbs over me and into the driver’s seat, kicking at my face.

 

I ask him what he’s doing.

 

Getting away from you, he says.

 

I catch Mom’s eye, and she winks. It’s going to be okay, she’s saying, to all of us, to everyone on the freeway. My mother, the steadfast. Unfazed, as always. It’s going to be okay. I climb into the front passenger seat.

 

Dad is yelling at the clouds. Under stress. This all began when Grandpa—Mom’s dad—died. We were packing for the annual trip to visit Dad’s family in Wautoma when Mom’s phone rang. A stroke. Seventy but healthy. So of course, plans change. We head west instead of east. In Fargo, Dad called the office and said he wouldn’t be in on Monday. On Monday, they said come in or don’t come back. And, of course, he couldn’t. And he said as much, but they wouldn’t back down. So then there’s the stress of holidays plus death plus, now, what we can and can’t afford. He said we’ll need to cancel our summer vacation. That Christmas might be leaner this year. And Mom doesn’t even blink. A rock, always.

 

And then there was the flat tire on his motorcycle. The car broken into, the driver-side window smashed (still covered with fluttering plastic and duct tape). All this in the last month. So of course, after he received pity money from his widowed mother-in-law; and traffic has been stop-and-go for four hours; and at last there’s a respite, a sigh of collective relief: finally, let’s floor it; and then brake lights re-emerge like angry fireflies—of course he was going to snap.

 

It began with yelling, with cussing. And Mom whispering sternly: Jeffrey. And then he started smacking the roof, the dashboard. Alternating open palm and closed fist. And Kyle and me in the back seat, silent for once. And then he stormed onto 35 and left the door hanging open; 35, packed with its slow and stopped cars and Minnesota plates and Minnesota Nice yelling and honking, and he’s on the guardrail letting God know.

 

Cars begin veering around us, the gap between their fenders and our bumper shrinking with each pass. Kyle engages the emergency lights like he knows what he’s doing. He’s quieted, and the space in the car seems endless. I’m startled to feel lonely, to feel nostalgic for the times these trips weren’t so miserable, when we would lean our heads together and he’d read from The Two Towers or Dune.

 

I crack the window and press my face against the cool glass. Dad hasn’t moved. A cop pulls behind us on the shoulder, lights flashing.

 

Good afternoon, sir, Mom says. He’s just stressed is all, just stressed. You can understand. The cop’s stride is measured, and he hasn’t said a word. He tips his cap. My brother is holding his breath. There’s tension in the car I can’t grasp. It’s all above me, like I’m submerged beneath the Mississippi. But I’m buoying toward the surface, about to break through: Kyle’s hands are on the wheel. Everything registers at once like oxygen flooding my lungs. My parents on the shoulder. The cop, mid-stride. The car casting its long shadow across all lanes of stagnant traffic. The smell of a warm winter, of exhaust fumes and evergreens.

 

This is what will happen: Kyle will put the car in gear. We’ll jolt forward, the pedals unfamiliar beneath his adolescent foot. He’ll swerve, smash the taillight ahead of us. And we will be rear-ended by the impatience behind us. And the cop will ticket everyone, and traffic will crawl and crawl and crawl, and my father on the bridge will call a tow truck.

 

But first, the cop approaches my window. He instructs Kyle to turn off the vehicle, to please remove the keys from the ignition. But first, the sky sears open and heavy raindrops spill down. And my father, this large, aching man screaming at the sky, feels he has rent the heavens. He releases the railing and sits on the shoulder. He begins to laugh. It will be okay.

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Winter Solstice

Disruptive storms gather from and to
Even at the bottoms of eternal sequoias;
Hungry-lunging waters, numb-thumbed, virtues
Strongly up-lifting,
Strong spiritual boosts
Upon a time. The discerning solstice empties
The full tank of Morning without fading beam
Of overcast mauve, when the sky brightens to
Its generous gift. —Halt! Ever more chatter reveals
The only solstice of the renewable milky way.

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Interview: Ana Castillo

        
        

 

Ana Castillo is a much-celebrated voice in Chicana literature and feminism, or, as she puts it, “xicanisma,” a term she coined to describe a non-binary approach to the issues of gender, class, and race. Her publications include eight novels, one collection of short stories, five collections of poetry, a two-play volume, and a children’s book, and, as well as two books of nonfiction, the latest of which, Black Dove: Mamá, Mi’jo, and Me (Feminist Press, 2016), was recently out when this interview was conducted in November of 2016. She has also edited three collections of Latina/o literature and translated a Spanish-language adaptation of Cherrie Moraga’s The Bridge Called My Back: Writings by Radical Women of Color, one of the touchstones of efforts to challenge the lack of women of color in the feminist movement. Her novel Sapogonia was named a New York Times Notable Book, and she has received numerous awards, including National Endowment for the Arts fellowships, a Before Columbus Foundation American Book Award, a Carl Sandburg Award, a Sor Juana Achievement Award, and the American Studies Association’s Gloria Anzaldúa Prize. She holds a B.A. in art from Northwestern Illinois University, an M.A. from the University of Chicago, and a Ph.D. from the University of Bremen, Germany, and was appointed the first Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz Endowed Chair at DePaul University, as well has having taught at numerous other colleges and universities.

 

An excerpt from Black Dove appears in 41.2 of the print Florida Review, and the book is reviewed here in Aquifer.

 

Lisa Roney for The Florida Review:

I’ve admired your work for a long time, and the first thing I wanted to say was what a gripping read Black Dove is. Tell me about this book and about how it evolved for you.

 

Ana Castillo:

It’s a compilation of personal essays and memoir, and I distinguish the two things—the essays were written for a more general audience and with a theme in mind, and the memoir comes from a very much more personal place. The earliest one, which is also the leading one, is called “My Mother’s México,” and I wrote and published it in the early nineties—’94, I think it first came out. I always thought that I would do a collection of essays eventually called “My Mother’s México,” and it would be along the lines of being a daughter and having been my mother’s daughter and so forth, but as time went on my role in life became more as mother than as daughter. My mother passed on over twenty years ago, and I raised my son almost all his life as a single mother.

 

That’s a really important part of this book—being a single mother, being a brown woman in this country with a brown young man that was growing up. Whether or not a single mother can successfully raise a man is always in question. I think I did a good job as long as he was on my watch. He did well in school, he went straight through university, got his degree, he became a dad and was supporting his family during the recession, but then became very depressed and began to spiral. I didn’t really know what was going on—he’s already an adult at this point, in his mid-twenties, and has his own little family to take care of, so as a mother I’m a little bit more on the outside—and when he hit bottom he committed a senseless robbery—of an institution, unarmed. It felt like he was ejecting himself from the world of society, and that was really the catalyst eventually for much of what I wrote.

 

His voice is also included in the book from some of the letters we exchanged. We decided to share the story. We are in a country that that supports a multibillion-dollar prison industry. We find all kinds of people becoming felons at the time that my son was arrested—in Chicago, two governors of Illinois were in federal prison at the time!—but whereas those guys will come out and have their friends and their connections and they will have work and will have homes and places to go, many of our incarcerated, when they’re felons, they come out and then they have to face the challenge of not being given jobs that they’re qualified for. They have children, families to support and to house. They are not rented to, they can’t get a home, they can’t get loans. So, we are perpetuating a society in which we continue to castigate individuals, but sort of encourage them some in some cases to continue that cycle.

 

My story turns out to be a good one. My son came out, he was well, he was ready to take on his life, and he’s an awesome dad with a growing little girl, but he has had those challenges. It was because we wanted to share that story that that I decided to put this collection together.

 

TFR:

And there are ways in which that content and theme is supported even from the first word. I found the structure of the of the book quite moving because you set it up as it is a family saga, so right away you acknowledge it goes beyond you individually. There was this sense of family and people and community and the way they all work together.

 

I want to ask about to what extent that trauma of having your son incarcerated turned you toward the book-length memoir. You’ve been writing these pieces for some time about your mother and so on, but do you think that there was a way that this was a point where you felt, I have to speak as myself, not as a fictional character, about this kind of situation? Was it related to a different type of activism for you than fiction or poetry?

 

Castillo:

Yes, indeed. I think that it was. A big, big part of my life is having been a mother. It was something I chose to do. When I chose to become a mother, it was just before the precipice of when we begin to get U.S. Latinas recognized in this country as writers, as part of a generation of writers. So, I had to have a vision of myself being a mother—What does that mean? How does that change my life?—but, also, I’m not going to give up this vision of being a writer and being published in a country that has no history of that. Those things have been really important for me—being vocal and being part of this large community of Latinos and people of color in this country. My writing has been my form of activism. But my heart was so broken with my son being broken that ironically initially I couldn’t even write in my journal. I was that broken-hearted. I knew that the gods had given him and given me a second chance because he at least had not been killed and had not killed himself—and there were many opportunities in the society that I’m talking about in which that could happen to a young man of color, not only during his senseless criminal act, but he also as a teenager had been involved in graffiti and lost a lot of friends on the streets of Chicago. There’s “stop and search,” and my son had been beaten up by the police for no reason except getting off at the train station with a couple of guys, and maybe, maybe, if you acted up or responded, that’s what happened. So, this was building up, but I thought by the time he was a young family man in his late twenties, Well, we’re home free, and yet he had become this very angry man, as many males of color have a right to be.

 

This is where I was losing my voice, so to speak, as far as writing so that initially I couldn’t write at all about it. We came together—and we have some of that in this book—my son and I came together, interestingly enough, through our love of books and writing. There’s an exchange of excerpts of our letters in the book, how I began to reach out to him and bring him back. There was a lot of cognitive dissonance beforehand, no connection. He played cello in high school, but he didn’t talk about music and he didn’t know how or want to play music anymore—just gone. So, how do we begin to have conversations and discussions? We did that through books. He would ask for books, and I sent them to him, and I would read them.

 

In the process of this we shared Charles Bukowski—he wanted to read Bukowski’s poetry, and I read his prose. It kind of inspired me, and, in the process of this moment, I actually whipped out a novel called Give It to Me, which was published by the Feminist Press, and it was so far away from what I was experiencing—this sort of (I hope) funny, really quirky story where she [the main character] was having a lot of sex in the midst of this crazy, old politics. It was just like, Let me escape. So, I did that. I got the writing going again, the fiction.

 

Eventually, we decided to share our story because we do have a lot of communities across the board—racially, because of gender or religion, or otherwise demographically—that are made ashamed and are being punished by this culture.

 

TFR:

Even often there is that sense of Well, if you’re a well-behaved person of color, this isn’t gonna happen to you. I was very glad and moved that you went out on the limb and said, No, I did everything right, and it didn’t matter. My son was still subject to these forces, and he did everything right—he went to college, he was taking care of his family, and yet there was still this justifiable anger that had to come out somehow.

 

Castillo:

And at no time does he or do I excuse his behavior. He went out and he committed a senseless robbery, though he did not threaten anybody. It was the accumulation of anger that he had felt toward the system and what was going on—this was during the fallout with the banks and everything else that was happening. It’s not to excuse breaking the law.

 

By the same token, I talk about the fact that I know that he smoked weed, which I don’t have a moral objection to or anything, and some of this was self-medicating. Again, I’m not making excuses, I’m not saying it’s okay. I had taken him to Amsterdam when he was in college—I did a reading in Germany, and we went off to Amsterdam—so, it’s okay if you’re in Colorado, it’s okay now in California, but if it’s not okay don’t get caught with it. Once again, it’s no excuse if you get caught with it, and that was part of what was going on with him at that time, a resentment over the hypocrisy.

 

Nevertheless, [as a society] we’re not looking at the constant harassment of people of color. In this case, as a mother of a son, I’m looking at men being harassed and what happens. Again, it’s not to justify some reaction that’s illegal, but this is who you’re forming. I grew up as a brown girl in Chicago, and I had a lot of anger throughout my twenties. I actually went to graduate school at the University of Chicago, so I was a bright, self-motivated woman, but was always getting stopped, even then, by police, with your standard excuse about the taillight to ask you about your papers. It builds up in people.

 

TFR:

It does, absolutely. I’ll come back to the social commentary aspects, but I wanted to ask about how, even though there is anger and tragedy woven through this book, and also a kind and also a mystical tone that is quite beautiful and poetic, there’s also the sassy in it as well and little moments of humor. Could you comment about the role of humor in the book and how you see that? Was it something that you worked on or was it just something that came out of you naturally as a sort of antidote or complement to the other emotions that this book so strongly brings?

 

Castillo:

You know, writing funny is very hard. Writing humor is difficult, and when I when I knocked out Give It to Me, I really needed some levity my life. It was tragic—I was comparing my son in my head to, like, Odysseus, though he’s not a king and not a hero, but the mother ends up in Hell. I often come up with these connections in my head, and so I twist that and find irony—more than funny, I look for irony. That’s important, when you’re telling a story, whether it’s a quote-unquote true story, nonfiction, or you’re making up a story, and you’re giving it to the reader, you’ve got to have some moments of levity to give the reader a respite, a little island, an oasis. I’m happy that the book has some of that, not necessarily always together in the same essay but in other places.

 

My aunt, my mother’s sister, was always and remains a very colorful character, and certainly because of her joie de vivre, which she was born with, I was able to get a little levity to balance my mother’s somber personality. In the book, I talk about the influence of my aunt in my life and the things that I saw with her—the flirtation, her love of cooking, her flair for dressing, and so on—and all despite her very humble lifestyle. I think that there’s part of that in my personality, and this is how I can get through life—by thinking of the irony of certain situations.

 

At the same time, as a writer, even as a poet, you have to give your reader a break. If it’s pretty relentless but it has to be told, you have to have a host a little way-station for people so that they can catch their breath and then go on

 

TFR:

And maybe for yourself as a writer, too.

 

Castillo:

Absolutely.

 

TFR:

Speaking of your Tía Flora’s personality, there is a video of you online, in which you talk about how important Germaine Greer was to you in bringing up for you that challenge of being happy as a woman in our society, and I thought that the portraits of your somber grandmothers and mother contrasted really with the indomitable, lively portrait of Flora. What do you think about the balance of those different influences on you?

 

Castillo:

Just let me say that my Tía Flora is eighty-six. She’s outliving everybody. This just made me think about it. Maybe there’s something to that ability to laugh through all kinds of hardships. She had by no means an easy childhood in México City. She was orphaned, she married young, her husband was killed, she had two children at that time. She came to Chicago, became a seamstress in a little kind of quasi-sweatshop factory in the Mexican neighborhood there, her second husband became an alcoholic, and by then she had five children. All this time, this lovely person has a flair, as I said, for carrying herself like Queen Nefertiti down the street.

 

How she influenced me—since I knew her from when I was very small when she came from México City—was having that contrast in her personality. I like clothes and I like fashion, but it wasn’t necessarily encouraged anywhere around me. Dance music. Having a nice margarita. I learned about a margarita from my aunt. [Laughs.] Back in her in her kitchen, she used to make them in martini glasses when I was a kid. While she’s cooking for everybody, she’s happy with the radio on.

 

I think it’s really important for all of us, but particularly, I would say, for girls to have that balance and to be able know that they are not just lovable but they can embrace all of who they are. That means it’s great to have a brain, which I am happy that I celebrate, and I work at that, but it’s okay to be lovely and enjoy all the other things that I am as a woman.

 

TFR:

You mentioned Clarice Lispector, a writer whose works Near to the Wild Heart and Apple in the Dark I’m fond of. My writing teacher Paul West introduced me to her work.

 

Castillo:

Hour of the Star is my favorite. They made a wonderful movie of it, too, some years ago. It’s really beautiful.

 

TFR:

Paul was a great teacher, and he was insistent that we needed to read beyond the borders of the traditional U.S. territory. He inspired us to read widely and internationally. You’ve often spoken about a lack of Chicana role models in your education. I was wondering to what extent you see your work connected to the Latin American literary tradition—the strong tradition of Gabriel García Márquez, Jorge Amado, Borges, Cortázar, Vargas Llosa—or has it been more about building a new tradition here in the U.S.?

 

Castillo:

I can only speak for myself—I was a self-taught writer. I didn’t go through an English department program or Spanish department program or literature or MFA program. At the University of Chicago for graduate school, I got into their very new, at that time, Latin American Studies program, but it was seen as political science, so I saw myself doing something else other than writing, even though I was writing. Aside from the political interests that I had, I also did visual art, so I thought, if anything in the arts, I was going to be a painter. I started looking at poetry and literature sort of visually.

 

The [Spanish-language] literature that was being translated and brought to this country at that time was from the Latin American boom. Before I really saw myself as ever becoming a fiction writer—although on the side I liked to write little stories and wrote my poems—I was reading Jorge Amado, I was reading Cortázar. My first novel is dedicated to Julio Cortázar, so people think that he was my big influence, when actually I was reading everybody, all these guys, and I had this idea to do something like Julio Cortázar had already done [laughs]—because they’re very innovative. They were doing all kinds of things, not just what was later called magical realism, but playing with structure and so on. So, yes, indeed, we, by all means, have that connection—I think of Carlos Fuentes, too. I looked to them also because of the Catholicism, with the history of our families and legacies, there were a lot of connections along those lines.

 

I do believe, also, that, in time, as U.S.-Latino/a literature start to rise up—and certainly by now it’s made its claim in the world—there was also a reciprocation. By the mid-nineteen-eighties, Chicana feminists were having conversations with Mexican feminists, and so there was initially a very strong, deliberate contact and communication and encouragement going both ways, even though we wrote in English and even though we were considered privileged Yankees. [Laughs.] The irony was that most of us came from working-class backgrounds. We were dark-skinned, dark-haired girls, and these women writers [in México] had European last names, privileged backgrounds and education, and were multi-lingual. They wrote in French and in English [as well as Spanish], and we were just writing our English that we knew from our Chicago Public School System. But there was that connection that we have a history of colonialism, through the history of the conquest of México and South America, so, yes, I do see that. I’m very happy that to some degree at least, even though very few of my books are available in Latin America, that I am seen as having that connection with Latin America and the Caribbean, too.

 

TFR:

You’ve also spoken in the past a bit about living life “on the hyphen,” a term, I believe that was coined to describe Cuban-American experience, but that has been used in a variety of ways since then to describe positions that combine nationalities, but also being multi-lingual, bi-sexual, and so on. My sense is that in the literary world this has come, more and more, to be seen as a positive quality that also has influenced our literature with the mixing of boundaries of genre and form and so on, as in the inclusion of the letters you exchanged with your son in Black Dove. Have you experienced any change in attitude, an acknowledgement of the positive nature of hybrid spaces and forms?

 

Castillo:

It’s a reality. But it depends on who you’re talking to. I’m feeling today [November 20, 2016] a little less optimistic about those views. Particularly with the idea that if there is going to be a tone in this country about people who have quote-unquote immigrated here—whether or not they actually have immigrated—and we begin to do racial profiling, then, no, it will definitely not be seen as a positive. If we’re going to start questioning women’s rights, some of the progress that’s been made for women and our roles as women, and if we’re going to start questioning same-sex rights, then, no, it’s not going to be seen as a positive. Indeed, I think a lot of that negativity is as being brought forth, and if it’s viewed as validated and affirmed by our leaders, then, of course, those people who are in disagreement with our rights are going to feel happy—they are feeling happy—to come to the forefront.

 

Prior to that feeling, to some degree, yes, I did feel that we have made enormous amount of strides, thankfully, and not just in this country, but in the world, especially when we’re talking about women’s rights and the rights of transgendered, queer-identified individuals, moving away from the binary view, after so long of a very skewed view of what it was to be American. I think that I look as American as anybody can look, since I look very indigenous, and yet, of course, I’m always asked, Where you from? Where you from? Where? I was just asked

here by a writer in the authors’ lounge who came up and introduced himself, and the first or second thing he said to me was, “What country are you from?” I told him, “Chicago.” [Laughs.] He had a Bernie T-shirt on, so I was really surprised.

 

TFR:

You are a writer who’s had a long-term activist consciousness, so what can you tell me about our current moment and the role of writers in it? Not that I want to burden you with having all the answers, but I’ve been asking everyone this—what does this time imply for writers? Has the current climate affected your writing?

 

Castillo:

I’ve been writing and publishing for four decades, and I remember the night that Reagan was elected—I wanted to leave the country then, but I didn’t. Someone brought this up recently and said, “Well, you went through Reagan,” and I said, “Yes but this has been a progression with the Republican party, and Reagan wasn’t an overt misogynist. We all know he adored Nancy, and his son was gay. He was an old-school gentleman, although he was a major imperialist. That speaks for itself, but this is moving in an unprecedented direction.

 

I feel devastated emotionally, morally. I know that Trump did not win the popular vote. But, it’s all very unbelievable. Some of the Republicans are also in shock that that’s their new leader, so there’s a dream that some people have that this term cannot last. Let’s see how much damage he’ll do before that might happen. With all of that in mind, I’m trying my very best personally to, as Obama said, get over my moodiness, to stop feeling sorry for myself, to get up and do something.

 

This moment is shocking. It’s shocking when you’re a woman walking around, catching a bus, or your children are in school being harassed. If you’re being protected by the Secret Service or leading a very protected life, maybe you’re not realizing what happens to people in their everyday experience. So, I’m in these past ten days trying to move from that shock, that sucker-punch that the electoral vote gave us and telling myself that I have to remember who I’ve been, why I’ve been writing all these years, and that I cannot be afraid to speak out. If that’s all I do—if I just speak out, if I respond to some of the invitations I get to write for people’s blogs or their zines—I have a zine myself—La Tolteca: Promoting the Advancement of a World without Borders & Censorship—I’ve been doing it for about six, seven years now. I feel like I have to do that. I can’t be afraid, and that’s all I can do. I can do other things—you donate money to organizations you believe in, if you can go march you can go do that, anything at all, including lighting candles and incense and praying to whomever you pray to. Whatever it takes for you to lift yourself up to do it—that’s what I think each of us has to do. And be there for each other.

 

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Meditation on the Purpose of Art Making

In my works, I attempt to capture some of the narratives that I heard from first-hand accounts while volunteering on Lesvos Island in Greece in December of 2016. What I’ve discovered thus far, is that the refugees are from all around the world, rather than only being from Syria as depicted in the media. I have also come to discover that the news coverage on the topic is often sensationalized, and even sometimes re-enacted for the sake of reporting. The stories of the local villagers and the volunteers seem often forgotten or ignored, and the refugees are used in narratives that sometimes are simply not true. More importantly, I wish to capture the humanitarian tale amongst this crisis, hoping that in turn, my viewers can be inspired to assist refugees or anyone who has suffered a great loss due to manmade or natural disasters.

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Beta Males

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A Woman’s Journey

Black Dove: Mamá, Mi’jo, and Me, by Ana Castillo
The Feminist Press at CUNY, 2016
350 pages, paper, $16.95

 

 

For years, Joseph Campbell’s monomyth has served as the definitive narrative archetype. The seventeen-step adventure from the known to the unknown and back again describes the challenges a character faces on the path to become a hero. From “The Call to Adventure” through trials like “Belly of the Whale” and “Woman as Temptress,” the character comes out on the other side forever changed into a more mature, more capable man. Toward the end of Ana Castillo’s memoir Black Dove: Mamá, Mi’jo, and Me, she draws attention to Campbell’s monomyth of the journey of a male hero. As an aside when discussing how she spent the two years her beloved son was incarcerated for robbery, Castillo tells the story of when she taught the monomyth in a feminist course at a university and had to adjust Campbell’s linear narrative for a woman’s journey. Castillo writes, “… female archetypes had three life stages: lovely maiden, fertile mother, and (sterile, hunchbacked, saggy, wild-haired, banished from-the-village-to-a-hut-where-she-concocted-poisons-to-harm-men-unworthy-of-love-although-wise-and-yet-despised-for-her-wisdom) crone. Me, in other words.”

 

Although the various chapters are not broken into separate sections, this three-stage female monomyth forms the base structure of Castillo’s memoir, placing Castillo on her own hero’s journey from daughter of a Mexican Indian immigrant family to well-established Chicana novelist and poet. Through this journey of becoming, Castillo reflects on multiple generations of her family (her parents’, her own, and her son’s and grandchild’s), weaving together these generations and the trials they faced once the family became citizens of the United States.

 

The backbone of Black Dove may be the female monomyth, but Castillo mostly avoids an obviously structured approach and instead strips down on the fictive elements often found in memoir, such as detailed scenes and dialogue, and opens up for an intimate chat with the reader. For the most part, chapters cover large periods of time, placing her own journey beside those of family members. She jumps from story to story, transitioning back and forth in time, moving as though a new story has just popped into her head. For example, at one point, Castillo relates a story about her aunt dropping a busted television out a second-story window and it narrowly missing her aunt’s husband. After this story, Castillo writes, “That wasn’t the story I wanted to share about my livewire tía Flora, although that one was a good one, too.”

 

This stream-of-consciousness approach allows the reader to get closer to Castillo, to feel as though there are no fictive elements masking the author. She exemplifies the need to share everything about her “becoming,” with no topic off limits (childhood, love, sex, immigration, gun violence, motherhood, writing, marriage, feminism), but she also backs away from naming other individuals, thereby protecting identities and showing her compassion and understanding.

 

Throughout Black Dove, Castillo seems uninterested in offering readers answers, suspense, or even new revelations on the immigrant experience. This sounds like a weakness, and it may be in other books, but Castillo’s honest and affable voice easily carries the memoir through to the end. Castillo remains so likable, the reader wants to continue reading only so as to not leave her presence. Sharing her experience, trying to connect to the reader, person to person, seems to motivate Castillo’s narrative. It is difficult, if perhaps impossible, to read Castillo’s memoir without thinking of the xenophobia, especially regarding Mexicans, that has intensified in the United States during Donald Trump’s presidential race and into his presidency. Castillo recognizes this and begins her introduction with:

Perhaps some of you may come away from this book feeling that my stories have nothing to do with your lives. You may find the interest I’ve had in my ancestors as they were shaped by the politics of their times, irrelevant to your own history. My story, as a brown, bisexual, strapped writer and mother, constantly scrambling to take care of my work and my child, might be similarly inconsequential. However, I beg your indulgence and a bit of faith to believe that maybe on the big Scrabble board of life we will eventually cross ways and make sense to each other.

Castillo, then, discusses the importance of knowledge and how, growing up, she never saw people like her in history books. She does not mention the current political landscape (where recent inclusion of Native and other minorities’ histories are once again being stripped out of schoolbooks), but the connections are clear. She wrote her memoir to show readers a life they may not have lived, to show how similar that life is to each reader’s own or at least to increase understanding of the forces that have shaped her own.

 

The memoir, however, mostly avoids political comments, with the exception of a digression here or there. Most of these exceptions come during chapters focused on her son, Mi’jo, as though in her role as a mother, Castillo recognizes how little control she has in protecting her child, how she must turn to larger forces for explanations and understanding. For example, while discussing her son’s incarceration, she writes, “in a country proud of its wealth and resources, healthcare and public education are not guaranteed to all citizens.” Castillo’s dialogue with the reader draws connections between political, cultural, and, most of all, personal history to show how multifaceted a person is and how linked together so many aspects of our lives are. She goes deeper than her own experience by including so much from other generations of her family. One whole chapter is given over to an essay co-written with her son Mi’jo, allowing his voice, for a moment, to be just as important as Castillo’s. In Black Dove, Castillo shows the hardships faced by immigrants, hardships that last generations, well beyond those who immigrated, and most importantly, she shows that one vital way to combat prejudice is try to connect person to person. In this, she succeeds with brilliance.

 

Please also see our interview with Ana Castillo here in Aquifer and an excerpt from Black Dove in 41.2 of the print Florida Review.

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After the Poetry Reading, a Condom

 

 

 

 

 

 

We publish an extra poem this week in celebration of the arrest of a suspect

in the murder of four people in the Seminole Heights neighborhood of Tampa, Florida.

Gianna Russo wrote this loving picture of her neighborhood, and we accepted it,

before these murders began. We hoped that the perpetrator would be found

so that the casual vivacity of the area could be restored before we published

the poem. Today we hope this nightmare has ended for our friends in Tampa,

and we celebrate the joie de vivre of that area with Russo’s work.

 

I stepped away from the bar at Ella’s where the din is handcrafted and foams up to a roar,
 as the famed poet served us his lines succulent and Southern.
With his Rhett Butler accent, the poet summoned Old Uncle Walt.
So Whitman came among us with his taste for bacony bodies and sweat-odorous men,
draped his arm over the poet and reached for the jalapeno poppers.

 

I stepped away from the cherry martini that had me teetering
on those heels I hardly ever wear anymore since they kick up my bursitis,
 but I’d put in my contacts, too, so what the hell.
I stepped away from the wine-rinsed laughter and the joke I told
if a place could have its pants down, this one does—
this mugshot of a neighborhood where I live
 with its one long avenue stretched like a nekked leg.

 

And what about that woman in the towel once, right there across the street,
three a.m., outfoxed by the absence of a bathtub and her mislaid name?
Of course the cops were called and they folded her like a burrito into the back seat:
 just another Tuesday night in Seminole Heights.

 

The night was just three beers along when I left the julep-voiced poet
 singing of Lincoln Continentals cruising the side streets, their flopping mufflers.
I walked into the after-rain on Shadowlawn Street.
Twilight sorted its lingerie in the leaves, rosy and white,
and I tottered down the block toward my car, while in all the yards,
confederate jasmine mounted the fences, bouquets on the bridal veil bushes shuddered
 and the magnolia tree came inside each mammoth blossom.

 

Then just as I leaned to unlock the door, I looked down at the old brick street
and saw it lying flat in the dirt, the deflated jellyfish of lust:
 used, tossed over, open-mouthed, smiling,
it was the remains of someone’s poem, or at least the start of one.

 

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Witness to a chain of bursting

balloons filled with chirping finches.

I liked to make things up in the dark, bright

 

yarn spider webs, name your electric

mood disease a super-power. Instead,

 

the nightmare of your mania:

constant smell of burning feathers,

 

last year’s untouched dinners. A ghost

now buried in moss, now gone for days

 

in the snow, coked up and knocked up,

your exquisite moth chocolate eyes,

 

mimesis of a child who was a little prone

to trouble. I could hardly remember you.

 

I learned to sow the medicine, delicate,

and learned how someone doesn’t die

 

but fragments into hydra,

rakshasa or Ophelia,

 

minister of mystic meth-trips

down the silver-tunnels of the soul.

 

Sister, the day you walked out of

the labyrinth and into the kitchen

 

was not a day, but years of impossible

breakfasts. We used to joke about

 

you breaking dishes. What marvel

made apocalypse stormed through

 

you, what storm always in you,

what storm you

held.

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Bootleg

Just for laughs, me and my cousins grab one of Violet’s wigs and we dress baby Matty up like Elvis Presley. We’re on the back porch—smoking Violet’s dope, drinking beer we bought with Charles’s fake ID—when the B-52’s come on the radio. Everybody gets caught up in Private Idaho. We forget all about tiny Elvis. He takes a nosedive out of the porch swing and starts to wail like a wounded bobcat. Charles and his younger brother, Clay, head for the woods at the first sign of trouble.

 

Matty reaches out and hollers, “Budger, Budger!” It’s Matty’s word for brother, which is what he calls me even though I’m really his uncle. I pick him up. His lip is busted; there’s blood on his face and his Elvis-do is sideways.

 

Behind us, the screen door opens and slams shut. My big sister, Violet. She’s skin and bones. A red bandanna covers her bald head, and her eyebrows are painted on with a pencil.

 

“Give him here,” she says.

 

“I got him,” I say. “Go back in and lie down.”

 

“Let me have my boy.”

 

I hand him over but he’s too heavy for her so I help her sit on the steps.

 

“Run and get a bottle of Mercurochrome and some cotton balls.”

 

I don’t move. I stare at the tree trunk we use for a table and the ashtray on top. It’s overflowing with butts and roaches. Beside it sits Violet’s medicine bottle. It should be filled with weed, but it’s every bit as empty as the Old Milwaukee cans scattered around the porch.

 

“Go on. Run.”

 

I go, but for a time I stand on the other side of the screen door watching Violet rock Matty and sing to him. She doesn’t really sing so much as she just hums along with Have You Ever Seen The Rain, but it works and Matty stops crying.

 

I’m rummaging through the medicine cabinet when I hear mini-explosions coming from the woods. Charles and Clay are setting off cherry bombs. They sound like little cannons. I close my eyes and imagine one of those Civil War battles we’re always hearing about in school. Everybody likes to say it was brother against brother. I see Charles and Clay dressed in matching uniforms. Even though they’re on the same side, they still fire their baby cannons at one another because they’re such assholes.

 

Charles always has a pocket full of fireworks. Black Cats, Silver Foxes, Smoke Grenades and M-80s. Every night when we’re walking out of the woods, he drums up one last bottle rocket—like it’s a big surprise—and hands it to Clay. He hands Clay his lighter, too, and lets him fire off the final one of the night. It’s always the best.

 

I spot the Mercurochrome. It’s buried in the medicine cabinet. Stuck on a shelf in the middle of Violet’s painkillers. I pull it out and put it in my pocket, then I study Violet’s medicine, picking up one bottle after another, reading the labels and staring at the pills inside. They’re shaped and colored like freaky planets from an alternate universe, and they’ve got outer space names to match: Percocet, Darvon, Elavil. Useless against Violet’s pain. It’s weed she needs.

 

Charles knows a guy. He sells bootleg and fireworks. Other shit, too. Like weed. His name is Commodore and sometimes this Commodore will make a trade with you if you’re in a bad way. Last year in eighth grade, Tommy Larkin got a box of Roman Candles for a busted-up Zebco rod and reel. I calculate the value of a day spent on Planet Percocet, or an afternoon rolling around in the purple haze of a distant galaxy called Darvon. I come up with one million dollars. I convert that number to an earthly sum fitting an ex-con named Commodore who lives with his one-legged mom in a rusty trailer at the dead end of a dirt road on the other side of Lively Creek. I figure a dime bag, two at the most.

 

But I need Charles to get to Commodore, and King Charles doesn’t need anything from me. What stands between us now is a bicycle, beat up something awful with most of the green paint flaked off and a chain that won’t stay on. But it might as well be a brand new Cadillac for all the weight it carries between me and Charles.

 

“You two will be just like brothers.”

 

That’s what Violet said the day she told me Charles and Clay were moving in.

 

I said, “He’s already got a brother, thank you very much. And so do you.”

 

“Now, don’t be that way, honey. You’ll see, you two will be just like Dad and Uncle Willis.”

 

We keep a picture over the mantel, of Dad and Uncle Willis with their arms around each other. They’re both wearing mirrored aviators, t-shirts and dog tags. It’s the day they shipped out. A Pall Mall hangs from Uncle Willis’s lips. Dad is smiling.

 

Uncle Willis did all right. He made it out. He came home. Dad didn’t. After Uncle Willis got back he started drinking and running around with married women. He finally got himself shot and killed by Tanya Clark’s husband, Hoyt. Charles and Clay shuffled around a lot after that. They went up north and lived with our old lady aunt who was rumored to be a Catholic. Then down to Mississippi to a foster family who raised baby goats. Last year they came back to Georgia and moved in with me and Violet.

 

Charles showed up wearing Uncle Willis’s aviators and his dog tags. “You’re every bit the spitting image,” Violet said. Then she said it again, “Every bit.”

 

I decided I didn’t much care for the looks of him. What right did he have? Showing up looking like that and talking like that? Telling his stories about that fishing trip on Nickajack Lake when Uncle Willis let him drive the boat, or that one time when they went to Atlanta to see the Braves play and spent the night in a Howard Johnson’s with a swimming pool. And Violet hanging on every word. I never said anything about it, but that’s what I thought. What right did he have?

 

I cram Violet’s pills in my pocket and head back to the porch. Matty grins and reaches out. Violet’s taken off his wig and fixed his hair so he looks like Matty again. She hands him over. I doctor his lip and he starts to wail. But I walk him around the yard, and we count the lightning bugs that are starting to shine.

 

In the woods, Charles fires off the first bottle rocket of the night. It barely makes it above the treetops, and it’s nothing more than a flicker against a sky that’s just beginning to fade. But when I point it out to Matty, he laughs and he claps, then he reaches for the empty sky and hollers for more.

 

 

The next morning we’re sitting there in our underwear eating Pop-Tarts when Clay starts in. “How come I can’t go?” he wants to know. “I’ll mind you. I won’t talk back.”

 

Charles ignores him. He licks his saucer clean, then walks over to the sink and tosses it in. I get up and follow him.

 

Clay won’t let it go. “Is it because I sassed you yesterday? Is it because I sassed you in front of Hub Grant and all them?”

 

Charles still doesn’t answer. He turns on the water and goes to town on last night’s supper dishes. I cooked—Beanee Weenees and Tater Tots—so Charles is supposed to clean. That’s our deal. But he barely finishes his own saucer before he shuts the water off and turns to look at me.

 

Wearing those aviators, and with that smirk on his face, he’s every bit the spitting image. All that’s missing is the Pall Mall.

 

“Explain your brilliant plan to me one more time, Einstein.”

 

I say, “I reckon we could trade the pills to that guy you know. We could get a couple of dime bags for Violet. We could trade our goods to Commodore. We could do it for Violet.”

 

“Our goods? You’ve been watching too much Starsky & Hutch.”

 

He’s leaning against the sink with his arms folded and his legs crossed. The pills are on the table.

 

Clay picks up a bottle and gives it a shake, but Charles snaps his fingers and points to the table so Clay puts the pills back. Then Charles tosses him the dishtowel and Clay heads to the sink. He lays into the supper dishes while Charles crosses to the table and sits down. He opens up each bottle, dumps out the pills and runs his hand over them like they’re a pile of rock candy.

 

I take a seat across from him.

 

“You don’t know the first thing about it,” he says. “Commodore sells fireworks and bootleg. What makes you think he’d be interested in this big load of bullshit?” He picks up a hand full of pills and lets one or two spill through his fingers. He looks at me, but all I see is my own twisted face reflected in his aviators.

 

Then I think about that bicycle. Lately, I’ve been thinking about that bicycle a lot. Every time I look at Charles, that’s what I see.

 

The fight was over a year ago, soon after Charles and Clay moved in. At the time, I walked away from it feeling good about things. After a while, it hardly ever crossed my mind anymore, and when it did, I was convinced that I got the best of Charles. Then Violet got sick, and I found myself recollecting on a regular basis. Me and Charles rolling down the stone steps on the back porch, the pain in my wrist when I fell on it and broke it. The feeling of satisfaction, even joy you might say, when I jumped up and swung my other arm and made contact with Charles’s lip. His aviators flew off and in the middle of it all I stood there trying to remember if I’d actually ever seen his eyes before. I was sure I had but I just couldn’t recall. That pause gave Charles the upper hand and he was on me again, then we were both on the ground once more. I was on my back, and Charles, the same age as me but a lot bigger, was on top of me with his fist pulled back ready to do some damage. But he didn’t slug me. Instead he started to cry. He put both fists against my chest, and I couldn’t move. He held me there, dripping tears and blood all over my face.

 

I push my chair back and get up from the table. I walk over to the sink where Clay is almost finished with the dishes. Then I walk back to the table and sit down.

 

“What makes you think Commodore wouldn’t be interested?” I say, “You don’t know. Bootleg’s no better than pills. Especially to some loser shacked up with his mom in a rusty doublewide. You don’t have to be an Einstein to figure that one out, Einstein.”

 

“What about me,” Clay hollers from the sink. “I’m part of it. Don’t forget about me.”

 

We ignore him.

 

Charles says, “And tell me this, what do you plan on saying to Commodore? Howdy Commodore, pleased to meet you, would you like to buy some dope off me and my cousin?”

 

We sit there cussing and trading Einsteins while Clay finishes the dishes.

 

Soon as he turns off the water, we hear it. It sounds like the dishwater leaving the sink, but it’s not. It’s Violet breathing in the other room, low and gurgly. It keeps going long after the dirty dishwater has gone down the drain, and Clay is standing by the table with the dishtowel in his hand, waiting for a word or a look or anything from Charles.

 

Nobody says anything.

 

Violet sucks in a fast and deep breath like she’s been under water, then she coughs.

 

“Yuck,” Clay says.

 

“Don’t be a dick,” Charles tells him. Then he says to me, “Well, put your shoes on, asshole, unless you plan on going to see Commodore in your bare feet.”

 

I go to my room and throw on yesterday’s smelly t-shirt and a pair of tennis shoes, then I sit on the bed.

 

I guess you could say the fight was my fault. Like I said, Charles and Clay had just moved in. It was summer. We were on the back porch. Clay was playing Superman. Or maybe it was Batman. I just remember he was wearing a towel like it was a cape, and he would jump off the side of the porch, again and again, with his ratty-ass cape flapping behind him.

 

I was shelling corn for the chickens. Charles had wandered off someplace. He was supposed to help with the corn. That was the deal. The last thing Violet told us when she left for the flower shop that morning was to shell all the corn in the crib. “All of it,” she said. “I mean it, boys. Don’t burn down the house. Don’t kill each other. And finish shelling the corn. Besides that, I don’t really care. Is that too much to ask?”

 

But soon as Violet left so did Charles, and I sat there shelling corn by myself. The kernels were hard and dried. Perfect for shelling. By noon I’d half way filled the oil drum at the end of the porch. I got up to walk to the corncrib for another bushel, that’s when I saw Charles. He carried a greasy chain in one hand; with the other he was pushing a piece-of-shit bike up the drive. It used to be green, now it was mostly rust. I figured that’s why whoever owned it had tossed it, or why they wouldn’t much care that Charles had come in and stole it right out from under their noses. He wheeled it up to the porch and stopped, held out his arms in a big, showy gesture, with a shitty grin on his face that said, Now I’ve got a bike and you don’t.

 

I went to the barn, filled up my basket and hauled it back to the porch. Charles occupied himself with the bike chain, Clay kept jumping, and I shelled my way through the rest of the corn.

 

By dark, the oil drum was finally full. I got up to go to the kitchen for a glass of tea when Charles said, “Hey man, while you’re up, how about bringing me a Coke?”

 

I stood there watching Clay jump and watching Charles mess with the bike chain. I bent down and picked a kernel up off the floor. It was shriveled to the size of a BB. “Hey man,” I said, “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?”

 

It wasn’t planned. I’d never thought of it or practiced it. The words just came out in a perfect imitation of Charles’s voice.

 

He stood. He didn’t come at me. Not at first. It wasn’t exactly a smile that played around his lips. It wasn’t a smirk either. He wasn’t the spitting image anymore.

 

He shrugged and started to turn away.

 

It came as natural to me as baiting a hook or wringing a chicken’s neck. The kernel flew from my fingertips like it had been fired from a slingshot. It hit Uncle Willis’s aviators on the upper right side by Charles’s nose, and it barely made a sound. One small speck of mirror is all. Damage the size of a fruit fly. It was nothing. But to Charles it was something.

 

A few days after it happened, Hub Grant came by to pick up the oil drum full of corn. He works at the Co-Op. He grinds the corn into chicken feed for us.

 

Violet was at the flower shop. It was hot, so Clay was trying to work up a breeze in the porch swing, fanning himself with a Frisbee. Charles had wandered off again. I helped Hub load the drum into the back of his truck as best I could with my messed up wrist. He asked me what happened to it. I told him I fell. He didn’t ask me anything else about it. He got in his truck to leave and stuck his head out the window.

 

“Hey buddy, I meant to ask you, how’d you like that bicycle?”

 

I was standing on the steps; the truck was parked a couple of feet away.

 

“You know … the one your cousin fixed up for you. It used to belong to one of my boys. Charles found it in the shed behind the Co-Op. Said he wanted you to have something nice. We made a trade. I’m gonna raise some hogs on that piece of land I own behind the post office. I need a fence. Charles is over there right now, creosoting the fence posts and laying them in the ground. Lordy, can you imagine? In this heat? You ask me, I sure got the better end of that deal.”

 

I still didn’t say anything.

 

“Well, you boys stay out of jail now.”

 

“We’ll try,” Clay said from the porch swing. “Come back and see us.”

 

“I surely will.”

 

He drove off.

 

It wasn’t in the tool shed, or in the corncrib, or anywhere else in the barn. I walked across the pasture and down to the little holler where everybody dumps their broken shit. It wasn’t there either. I stopped at Tommy Larkin’s house. They weren’t home but I looked in their carport anyway. Tommy’s older brother Hank steals stuff. Even from people he likes. Tommy calls it a friendly five-finger discount. The bike wasn’t there. It wasn’t anywhere. I looked until dark. Charles never brought it up again. Neither did I. I kept waiting for him to tell Violet what an asshole I’d been. I figured I see him riding the bike one day, popping wheelies and showing off.  None of that happened. Then Violet got sick.

 

Now I worry over Violet’s life and that fight with Charles like they’re the same. When I’m not thinking about one, I’m thinking about the other.

 

I get up off the bed and go out to the living room. I pull a chair up to the couch and hold Violet’s hand. She’s sleeping, and Matty is sitting on the floor with Clay. They’re pretending to play checkers, but mostly Matty just likes to stick the checkers in his mouth because he’s teething.

 

I tell Clay, “Don’t let him swallow one of those, do you hear?”

 

He doesn’t answer.

 

“Do you hear?”

 

“I hear you, I’m sittin’ right here. I’m not retarded.”

 

Charles comes out and says, “Don’t be such a dick, Clay.” Then he grabs the pills off the table and goes out and waits for me on the porch.

 

I hold Violet’s hand as long as I can. It’s as light as air, like a quail feather or a June bug. Something that could float away as soon as I let it go.

 

Charles hops off the porch and heads down the drive towards the main road. When he crosses the highway and steps into the woods—woods that are as thick and overgrown as any jungle anywhere—when I lose sight and sound of him completely, I finally let go of Violet’s hand, and get up to run after him.

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Under Florida

When we think about light, it is generally in the context of it projecting through the medium of air. Light reaches onto objects and by its reflection on the surface renders them visible. However, when light projects through the medium of water, it behaves differently. Water acts more like a lens that distorts in a number of ways, bubbles, amplification in size, murkiness, etc. When photography attempts to capture light in the liquid medium it relies on conventions established by the medium of light. The liquidity of light would be a state in which the immaterial of light projecting through water gives it materiality. They both become something else, light becomes a property of the liquid and vice versa: the liquidity of light.

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Rendered Complete Equals

 

Through mixed media painting and drawing, I experiment with the pictorial function of words by deconstructing textual elements alongside organic forms. The integration of collage media provides a way to establish a visual dialogue between both natural and manmade symbols. The resulting imagery is gradually developed through the layering of paint with castoff bits gathered from unexpected sources. Paper scraps, eroded bits of plastic, vinyl lettering, discarded signage, fabric remnants, and old drawings ultimately find links to one another, fitting together much like a puzzle.

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Tesseract

We admitted we were powerless

FORECASTING THE DEVELOPMENT OF A FEW STRONG
TO VIOLENT LONG-TRACK TORNADOES

this is called visitation.

 

I made a family of the towers. The one with a heart in her center and the pointed tips of a hat, the mother. In the summer weeks that were his we rode in the car for an hour, backpacks with coloring books and dinosaurs, quarters for vending machines.

 

We followed the power lines out to the river, past signs for evacuation routes. Gas stations with tanning beds, boiled nuts in greasy bags, bathrooms we weren’t allowed to go in. We pretended to work, typing newsletters on typewriters, wearing headsets not connected to the phone.

 

I want to be involved in raising the child/ren.

*

We came to believe

THEY WILL RAPIDLY BECOME SEVERE WITH THE POTENTIAL

 

Only her mother could talk about him in a natural way

 

*

 

Restore us to sanity

THIS IS A PARTICULARLY DANGEROUS SITUATION

A straight line is not the shortest distance between two points

 

I believe visitation is in the child/ren’s best interest.

*

 

We made a fearless moral inventory of ourselves

STORMS WILL SHIFT

 

“Just what was your father’s line of business?”
“Some kind of scientist, wasn’t he?”

 

*

 

Another human being

THE POTENTIAL TO PRODUCE

 

“When would you go, if you could time travel?”
“I’d go back and see my parents when they were younger.”

 

*

 

We’re entirely ready

THE MOST INTENSE STORMS ARE EXPECTED

 

I woke up when a man in a black cowboy hat got into the car parked next to ours. The familiar. A slamming door. My sister, asleep in her car seat, a slow drip of apple juice, crushed crackers against her legs. The sign from the building made a pink blur on the back window. Hours later, my mother returned. She smelled like someone else.

 

I have a safe place for the child/ren to stay during visitation.

 

*

 

To remove

A HIGH RISK

 

My mother asked about my dog. A name of some vague relative.

 

She would be happier in the countryside, without fences, away from the apartment with two bedrooms and twin beds.

Years later I learned she was bred, litter after litter. When I was sixteen, my mother pointed out the house as we drove by—a fence and a chain, the grass worn away.

 

*

 

We made a list

PORTIONS OF
MUCH OF
ALABAMA NORTHWEST GEORGIA SOUTHEAST MISSISSIPPI SOUTHERN MIDDLE TENNESSEE

 

*

 

To do so would injure them or others

STRONG LOW LEVEL AND DEEP
LAYER VERTICAL SHEAR

You and the child/ren will know when you can spend time together.

 

She knew that if her father could not get her through
the wall
he would stay

 

*

 

We continued to take

MODERATELY UNSTABLE

 

I will support the child/ren as ordered by the court to the best of my ability.

*

 

To carry that out

LISTEN FOR LATER STATEMENTS

The court will send you a letter

 

“Do you think things always have an explanation?”

 

 

*

 

To carry this message

FUTURE FORECASTS MAY EXPAND

 

This is not a fairy tale.

 

I swear that I am able

to take care of the child/ren
listed above.

I am

a fit and proper
person.

 

Works Cited
Alcoholics Anonymous: Big Book. 4th Edition. A.A. Grapevine, Inc. 2001. Print.

 

“Figure 1. Single circuit (a) and double circuit (b) transmission line towers for 154kV.” ResearchGate.www.researchgate.net/figure/269101284_fig1_Figure-1-

Single-circuit-a-and-double-circuit-b-transmission-line-towers-for-154-kV

 

“Form PS-06: How to Ask for a Visitation.” Rev. 8/08. Alabama Administrative Office of Courts. eforms.alacourt.gov/Do%20It%20Yourself%20Forms/ Petition%20for%20Visitation.pdf

 

L’Engle, Madeline. A Wrinkle in Time. New York : Square Fish, 2007. Print.

 

NOAA. “Public Severe Weather Outlook.” NWS Storm Prediction Center. Norman, OK.

0423 AM CDT Wed Apr 27 2011. www.spc.noaa.gov/products/outlook/ archive/2011/pwo_201104271035.html

 

NOAA. “Particularly Dangerous Situation (PDS): Tornado Watch 235.” NWS Storm Prediction Center. Norman, OK. 145 PM CDT Apr 27 2011. www.spc.noaa.gov/products/watch/2011/ww0235.html

 

Hartley, P. “HVDC Transmission: Part of the Energy Solution?,” James A. Baker III Institute for Public Policy, Rice University, May 2003.

 

Siemens. “Typical Transmission Line Structures for approx.. 2000 MW.” www.energy.siemens.com/br/pool/hq/power- transmission/HVDC/applications-benefits/benefits-hvdc-4-b_463.jpg

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Interview: Robert Pinsky

Photo by Eric Antoniou.

 

 

Robert Pinsky’s works of poetry include Sadness and Happiness (Princeton University Press, 1975), The Want Bone, (Ecco Press, 1990), The Figured Wheel: New and Collected Poems, 1966-1996 (Farrar, Straus, 1996), and Gulf Music: Poems (Farrar, Straus 2007). He has also published prose, including the books Poetry and the World (Ecco Press, 1988), The Sounds of Poetry: A Brief Guide (Farrar, Straus ,1998), Democracy, Culture and the Voice of Poetry (Princeton University Press, 2002) and The Life of David (Schoken, 2005). He has edited many anthologies, among them Americans’ Favorite Poems: The Favorite Poem Project Anthology (Norton, 2000), co-edited with Maggie Dietz, which grew out of the project he directed as US Poet Laureate from 1997 to 2000. This project invited Americans from all walks of life to name their favorite poems and to both record those poems for the audio archives of the Library of Congress and to capture their own reflections on why a particular poem called to them. Few contemporary poets have had as visible a presence as Robert Pinsky—he has appeared on both The Colbert Report and on an episode of The Simpsons. Yet, though his work and presence in popular culture have often had exalted status, his most recent book of poetry, At the Foundling Hospital, manages to delicately balance the universal and the personal, taking the reader from civilization’s battles to the side of a friend’s hospital bed. The poems reach out and take in both humanity’s sweep and what it means to be, simply, an individual human. Please also see our review of At the Foundling Hospital.

 

          

 

Danielle Kessinger for The Florida Review:
One of the things that struck me on reading At the Foundling Hospital is how often you took elements that didn’t have obvious links and connected them. For example, in your poem “Cunning and Greed,” you have David Copperfield and the collapse of bee colonies. Do you find these combinations come to you organically or do you find yourself gathering them together before you put pen to paper?

 

Robert Pinsky:
One of the nicest compliments I ever received from my wife was about something I made with my hands. She said, “I love your patshke imagination.”  Patshke is a Yiddish word that sort of means patting something together. I’ve never been good at learning everything about anything. I don’t have a scholarly mind, but I do have a kind of oddball mind. I enjoy finding similarities in things that aren’t similar. For me poetry, compared to a long, naturalistic novel, is very good at making lightning moves. I sometimes say prose is like wading. You move through the medium slowly. You see things down at your toes. Poetry is like ice skating. So, you can move through a lot of territory very quickly. I get bored very, very easily, much more easily than most people, which is why I like poetry.

 

TFR:
You’ve also presented your poetry in non-traditional ways beyond simply on the page or read aloud. You often perform with musicians.

 

Pinsky:
I love working with jazz musicians, yes.

 

TFR:
When you’ve worked with jazz musicians, were you usually choosing the poem you wanted to read based on the piece of music or was the piece of music pared with the poem as the starting point?

 

Pinsky:
None of the above. We improvise, and it’s based on sound. I hope it’s not me reciting to music. I try to make my voice like a horn. The pianist I’ve done a couple CDs with, Laurence Hobgood keeps the poem text on the desk of the piano and looks at it like you’d look at a musical score, and I try hard to listen to him, and he listens to me. Sometimes we might have a rough plan, a set of chord changes. I started out as a musician. I don’t speak musician fluently, but I know enough of it to be able to discuss with Lawrence what we’re doing. It isn’t basing music on the words. It’s not songwriting. It isn’t basing songs on words, or words on music. It’s making music together.

 

TFR:
How do you find the audience reacts to that collaboration?

 

Pinsky:
It works so much in our favor because people are assuming they’re going to be embarrassed or bored. They are thinking, This guy is going to say poetry with music, and you can almost see the nervous panic in their faces. [Laughs.]

 

TFR:
As US Poet Laurette when you were working on the Favorite Poem Project [see web links below]—which invited Americans to name and record their favorite poem—you found readers that represented a diverse group of Americans. What did you find that was common among the readers, even if what they picked was unexpected?

 

Pinsky:
It was really the readers that were unexpected. It is very important to go to favoritepoem.org and to see that there are no poets, no literary critics, and no professors of poetry. You see a construction worker read lines of Walt Whitman and then talk about those lines very cogently. You see a Cambodian-American high school student in San Jose read a Langston Hughes poem, and she doesn’t mention that Langston Hughes was a black man. She relates the Langston Hughes poem to the Khmer Rouge and Pol Pot’s regime. A US Marine with a Hispanic surname recites [William Butler] Yeats’ “Politics.”

 

It’s the only website I know that is actually about poetry in the sense that it’s not about poets, or smart things people say about poems. It’s about poetry in people’s lives.

 

TFR:
How do you think poetry is important to people’s lives, not just the act of writing it, but the act of reading and reciting it?

 

Pinsky:
It’s like answering the same question about cuisine as distinct from nutrition or lovemaking as distinct from procreation. I don’t know what the importance is. I don’t know why people like these things, but we seem to be an art-consuming animal. We don’t just walk around, we also dance. We don’t just talk, we also like to recite. If you have a tiny child, when you cradle it, it likes to be sung to. I’ve discovered an infant curls up in exactly the same way when you recite poetry as when you sing. It’s fundamental. It’s there. It’s a very basic part of human nature.

 

TFR:
Having published your first book of poetry in 1975 and your most recent book of poetry in 2016, do you think that your approach to assembling your pieces into a larger work has changed over time?

 

Pinsky:
Each book demands waiting for the physical materials to tell you what each poem is about and what the book is about. In the course of writing that book, At the Foundling Hospital, I had two or three friends die. That affected the subject of the foundling and culture. The foundling is taken into a culture it doesn’t particularly choose. It’s told you’re going to be a woman, you’re going to be Korean, you’re going to speak English, you’re going to be gay, you’re going to be subject to these diseases and have these immunities. The little child is just a squirmy little thing. It doesn’t know all that.

 

One of my friends was in a coma before he died. People sing to you when you are in a coma, they read, tell stories, tell jokes, and I found myself in the poem “In a Coma” trying to assemble the music, the news stories, the sports teams that he and I experienced when we were young. The sort of funerary or memorial aspect of the poem changed and was changed by the book’s project of talking about the foundling hospital and the infant foundlings and their growing up.

 

Identity is not the kind of fixed category that political discourse sometimes tries to make out of it. Culture is always mixed and fluid.

 

Favorite Poem Project Links:

http://www.favoritepoem.org/poem_FromSongofMyself.html

http://www.favoritepoem.org/poem_MinstrelMan.html

http://www.favoritepoem.org/poem_Politics.html

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Dirty Old Man’s Ode to Secondhand Smoke

Secondhand smoke does for him
what madeleines did for Proust.
At the carwash he lingers near
a woman puffing on a cigarette

waiting for the conveyor to disgorge
her SUV. He’s back at his house
with his chain-cigar-smoking father
and chain-cigarette-smoking mother

and all the windows closed because
the air conditioning is always running.
He goes over to the woman and asks
her, politely, to blow smoke in his face,

the way Bette Davis does in the movies.
She looks at him, mutters something
and walks away, taking his house
and his mother and father with her.

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Salvio: A Short Story

Mary Margaret Makepeace Bonifacio, age 82, passed from this earth December 13, 1974. Mary-Maggie was know for her rapt affections for crewelwork, Perry Como, houseplants, and public television; and for her marinated five-bean salad. She leaves behind her only child, Salvio Bonifacio. No services will be held. Please do not visit Salvio, or call him on the phone. Please.

 

Salvio had wrestled with the wording of the thing, composing it in his mind even as the ambulance, red swirling lights turning the early morning frost hibiscus pink, carried his mother away. He had held her hand while he dialed the emergency number, feeling its coolness and knowing she was gone, wondering when it would turn wooden and stiff, wondering why he was calling at all for help, why it was necessary to involve the authorities, wondering if any droplet of her being remained inside the failed body, evaporating, condensing. Knowing he owed her this rightness.

 

He typed the obituary onto lined mint green paper that he found in the drawer of her vanity, wrote the required two-dollar check, and put both in an envelope, addressed to the newspaper, care of Deaths and Notices. Please. He did not want to shake hands with weepy, old strangers, did not need flowers brought to the house, did not want visitors perched at the edge of the yellow sofa, offering to do anything at all that might help him through this difficult time, laying out cold cuts (slices of dead bird rolled tight like fingers), sweating cheese, and knuckles of raw cauliflower on the sideboard.  Please, he had typed.  Please. Don’t.

 

One stamp in the desk drawer, one crack beneath the front door, just enough daylight for sending his message to the moon.

 

 

Three months gone, Mary-Maggie, one quarter of a year like a wedge of pie left malingering on the countertop. On the living room rug mail accrued, vomited through the tiny brass mouth, an ever-expanding peninsula of bills and notices and Chinese food menus, beneath those a reef of condolence cards.

 

Milk bottles festered on the porch, small, foamy stalagmites. For a time, neighbors had brought lasagna dinners and foil-shrouded banana loaves, setting them on the welcome mat when he declined to answer the door. Gleeful raccoons gorged, then mice upon the leavings, and roaches upon the final, microscopic remains.

 

Then: there was no more light, no electricity for the television, the can opener, the toaster. Cans of frozen orange juice loosed long, sticky tongues down the front of the Frigidaire. Fish sticks grew green fur. A group came, church folk, with rakes and garbage bags and pruners. One of them turned on a car radio, Merle Haggard, Loretta Lynn, whistled along, and hosed rot from the porch.

 

Another rang the doorbell, dark suit, bolo tie. Salvio, wrapped in the living room curtain, watched the man’s mustache, how it did not move while he talked, more than ninety days, your mother’s remains, not claimed, next of kin, Mr. Bonifacio you must answer this door, the mustache a bumper on a car, the guardrail on a terrifying curve. You have abandoned her, sir. Salvio stayed there, swaddled, until the dark suit went away.

 

And then Salvio took to his mother’s bed. He bid sweet sleep, as ever, to her jar of Pond’s cold cream, the green glass bottles of pills, the arrested clockwork of her oxygen tank, the porcelain shepherdess lamp (dim, but smiling).

 

He slept the kind of sleep that felt like falling into warm gravy, like a journey to the farthest place he could fathom, Saudi Arabia, or Tibet, like swimming all the way there and all the way back. Dreams grabbed at his ankles, slowing his strokes: faraway sounds of telephones, doorbells, bewildering questions from men in plaid suits and paisley ties, in striped suits and bowties the doorbell again, fists thumping against wood, Salvio, are you there, open the door, Salvio, I never promised you a rose garden, a droning near the front of his skull—then the sensation of being touched, of his mother’s thumb melting a blessing around and around into the skin of his forehead, Salvio, honey, wake up, a hovering that brought him to the surface, opened his eyes, lifted his hand to his brow.

 

She had touched him, he felt it.  Then he remembered.

 

The ambulance, the neighbors peering out through their bedroom curtains, my good golly it’s Salvio, he actually came outside, it’s been years—decades, maybe, that poor man, I’d forgotten he lived there, how old would he be, fifty-five, sixty years old, the paramedic shaking his head, I’m very sorry, sir, the unhurried departure to—where? What had the ambulance driver said, where did she go? Morgue, mortuary? Mars? If not his mother’s hand, what, then, had he felt?  Salvio sat up, fingering crust from his eyelids, wiping drool with the sheet’s embroidered edge. The only other being in the room, save Melinda Lee, his mother’s prized philodendron, sat atop a half-eaten cough drop, flexing its wings with some distress.

 

A bee, a honeybee (Apis, he recalled, mellifera, tatters of school Latin). Lucky he wasn’t stung, he thought, looking around the bed for a magazine to crush the pest. Finding nothing, he put his feet to the floor. Then he looked more closely, leaning over the bedside table. Pulsing its hind end, the poor thing labored to release its feet from the gummy Sucrets lozenge, each outsized effort producing a minute kazoo sound. Salvio had to respect the creature for trying so hard, for its frazzled industry. He admired the tidy subdivisions of its wings, the mustardy gold tucked into its leg sacs. Its banded abdomen reminded him of his mother’s hair, dyed dark molasses brown with bright, brassy stripes.

 

Free it, he decided. I will free this bee.

 

He found his mother’s magnifying glass, the one she used for crosswords back when she could still sit upright, and studied the problem. Force would sever its legs. He wanted to avoid that throbbing stinger, and not damage the wings. Submersion seemed unwise, as did melting the lozenge over flame. Dissolution, he theorized—yes, that might work.

 

Salvio mixed soapy water in the saucepan and borrowed a dropper from his mother’s ancient tincture of Merthiolate. He drizzled a gentle wash over the bee’s feet until, one delicate limb at a time, the little beast found liberty. The bee traced an astonished spiral above his head, finding a perch, eventually, upon one of Melinda Lee’s hoary leaves.

 

Tingles of comprehension passed through Salvio—the blessing on his forehead, the brown-and-yellow hairdo, the affinity for exotic foliage and throat remedies—his mother had not in death delivered to him a herald, a solemn, comforting seraph, but a smaller, less conventional envoy. She had sent a bee.

 

I understand, Mama, he said to the ceiling.  I understand.

 

Bees lived in groups, in colonies. It would need to find its family, could not survive alone in this house, this he knew. None of the old Queen Anne’s windows opened, except the tiny attic porthole at which Salvio knelt as a child, spying as the neighbors around them drank, and gardened, and mated, so confident of their privacy. He could prop open the window and calmly herd the bee, using one of his mother’s head scarves to guide it from behind, upstairs and into the pre-dawn sky.

 

This was the time of day he’d always liked best, no furious lawnmowers, no bawling toddlers, no boys on skateboards riding past, laughing at the Bonifacios’ pigweed lawn, their balding roof. Earlier, even, than the milkman in his belching truck. He climbed the attic stairs, reaching into the dark for the handrail, swatting at cobwebs. Several days’ rain had swelled the wood, so Salvio kicked, hard, again, and yet again, throwing his right knee and shoulder into the place where knob met jamb. He felt bruises, small raisins of pain, germinate along his joints—proud evidence. He was saving his mother’s messenger.

 

When the door gave way, Salvio fell backward halfway down the steps, not from impact, not from relief. It was the aroma (unexpected, pleasant, like opening drawers full of cathedral candles, warm wax and a sweet musk) that pushed him, the novelty of it in a space that usually smelled of mice. Then, balanced once more, Salvio heard the sound: to call it a hum used too few letters—three insufficient to capture the carbonated rise and fall, otherworldly, circular, an incantation made of a million fractal notes. He shone a flashlight. The bee, his bee, his mother’s bee, joined her song to the one in progress, her wings to the turbulence of bodies in motion, thousands of them, fused by some alternate form of gravity around the crystal chandelier his mother had installed in the unused attic years ago. A ballroom, my darling Salvio, is what we shall have. They crawled over each other, obscuring the bauble completely, seeking purchase and contact, some flying free of the scrum to measure its sum total.

 

Their sound swelled and throbbed as he entered the space: let us out let us out let us out let us let us out out out. The huddle seemed to still itself as he tiptoed to the round window. A coterie of bees followed him, one of them colliding with his ear, the nape of his neck, prodding him on, hustle up, move it along, time is ticking (hadn’t his father once cuffed his head so, move it, son, have a purpose in this life for God’s sake). He dared not swat in response. Salvio wiped away brittle webs with his sleeve, swept to the floor a pepper of dead gnats. As his hands met the oak mullions, four glass panes tumbled to the bare dirt below, and the frame yelped wide into the cool morning vapors.

 

Behind him: acceleration, a stirring madness. As the bees took flight, Salvio flattened himself to the attic floor, breathing their collective zephyr. No air traffic controller could have choreographed such maneuvers, he thought, watching them spin lace from atmosphere while following some sort of ancient wiring. The exodus took many minutes and made a vibration he felt in the puzzle of his spine. A few stragglers clung to the chandelier, disoriented, or perhaps too spent to travel. Salvio found a stack of discarded old Reader’s Digests, and using January 1973 as a chariot, shuttled tired bees, one at a time, to the porthole. He tipped the magazine gently to the sill, depositing them in the dust.

 

Where had the hale among them gone? And which was his mother’s ghost? Salvio ran back down the steps to the second-story bay window. There, hanging from the old elm’s least frail branch, assembled in the shape of Africa, teeming and tangling about eight feet above the sidewalk, he saw them. A mammoth snarl turned rosy by a klieg of early sun—the bees looked like grapes, almost edible. He stomach railed. Salvio opened a can of pork’n’beans (fifty-seven left, plus the sauerkraut, the chutney, and twenty-eight jars of okra) with a hammer and screwdriver, grabbed a spoon, and returned to his observation point.

 

A lone bicyclist tossed newspaper capsules onto driveway tongues. Jacob Dilwell, to whom his mother once wrote monthly checks for two dollars and fifty-seven cents (plus a one-dollar tip and a thank-you note for feeding their paper through the mail slot), paused beneath the bees, set one meaty tennis shoe on either side of his green Schwinn, put his hands on his hips, and stared upward, jaw slacked. He took a rolled paper from his bag, lobbing a forehand at a few low-flyers. The mass shifted in shape (like a slumbering, tossing bear, Salvio thought, or an inflating airship). Jacob tried again, jumping, connecting with the swarm’s underside, and knocked a handful of bees a few feet toward the street. A hue and cry, a warning from the dark, changeling blur—less of a peninsula now, more a coiled, taut motherland—every set of antennae pointed upward, every poison dart deployed towards earth, toward the boy, the stupid, stupid boy.

 

Hey, he tried to shout at Jacob, palms flat against the glass hey, don’t, don’t do that, you will hurt them, stop that, stop it now, but all he produced was orange spittle. Hey. Hey, stop! Jacob swung his bike in a wide bend and circled twice before wiping some sweat from his fat neck and pedaling away.

 

Salvio made binoculars of his hands and scanned for casualties. A few bodies languished on the flagstone walk—stunned, dead? Magpies, a pair of them, arrived at the scene and pecked at the fallen. He smacked at the window with his hands and flailed, wheeling his arms to scare them away, a frenzied scarecrow, don’t eat them, don’t eat them, and startled Mrs. Montieth, who had just stepped outside to retrieve her paper. She reciprocated with a confused wave, and adjusted her housecoat’s closure.

 

It was the four of them—Salvio, the birds, and shower-capped Mrs. Montieth—who witnessed, seconds later, the specter of Jacob Dilwell standing atop the pocked chrome of his handlebars, tennis racket held to the heavens, being powered toward the swarm at impressive speed by a skinny-legged accomplice.

 

Just before the racket made contact with the bees, Jacob unthroated a bellow—the deep-belly bray of a Viking at pillage—and leapt from the bike into the elm’s crisp arms.

 

Detonation followed: within seconds a buzzing thickness obscured the houses across Alcott street and darkened an otherwise vivid May morning. Jacob Dilwell, armpit impaled upon the remains of a diseased branch, wore a fuzzy armor of furious honeybees.

 

The screaming, oh, the screaming.  Had Jacob not flailed and thrashed, unleashing one shoe and a sprinkle of blood upon the shoulders of his minion, he might have remained in the tree for quite some time. Mrs. Montieth, who had raised five boys without the aid of their merchant marine father, positioned herself beneath Jacob and called out orders: Kick, boy, kick like hell, you hear?

 

Jacob did. He kicked the heel of his shoeless right foot against the willow’s trunk until, his supply of swear words exhausted, dropped to the asphalt and fainted.

 

Mrs. Montieth removed her shower cap and began wiping the insects from Jacob’s body, from her own arms, from the hills of his cheeks and forehead, batting as they dove and whined, as blood spread around them. Another neighbor (new, a car salesman, rumored to cultivate cannabis) arrived with his garden hose in tow and unleashed its pressure upon Jacob’s form. Mr. Toomey brought clean rags to press against the wounds; his basement tenant, an army reservist, took Jacob’s pulse. Someone dispatched the bicyclist to fetch Mrs. Dilwell, a school cafeteria cook. They, together, huddled over the calamity, hands in frantic concert, calling the boy’s name over and over again, shaking the lumps of his shoulders.

 

One bee, a solitary, wandering velvet diplomat, had visited Salvio, had come in peaceable confusion—and now this doom, this fracas. From the north arrived a keening ambulance, from the south, Jacob Dilwell’s plump mother and a quartet of younger siblings. Paramedics shoved aside the throng and scissored Jacob’s t-shirt away from his distended trunk. One medic hammered at the rising dough of his chest, the other breathed into his tumid mouth. Mrs. Dilwell, hands clasped over her own heart, nodded in time to the rescuers’ rhythm.  On the curb, head slumped to his knees, sat the skinny boy.

 

From the window, Salvio counted thirteen people in his front yard, seven in the street, and four, that he could see, standing on the nearby corner. The number swelled by two when a local news reporter, cameraman in tow, exited a Channel 8 van. Mrs. Montieth courted local fame by recounting, directly into a satellite-shaped microphone, the velocity and amplitude with which Jacob Dilwell approached the tree, the force with which he pummeled the bees. She described his plunge from above, the sound (like a half-dozen stuffed turkeys hitting linoleum) he made upon impact. When asked to describe his current state she said:  Oh, he’s bit half to death, you know, just plain bit to heck.

 

The number of vehicles expanded by one when Mr. Dilwell, a stonemason, settled his Dodge truck atop Mrs. Montieth’s juniper hedge and charged across the street. He bypassed his helpless wife, his son’s beleaguered body, the paramedics preparing for Jacob’s transport, and the reporter with her vanilla-custard hair. He clumped past Jacob’s friend, who (infectious, incurable idiocy, what was wrong with kids these days?) busied himself setting wounded bees aflame. Mr. Dilwell found his way to the Bonifacio’s front porch and threw his football fists against the screen, bellowing for Salvio’s audience: Goddammit, Bonifacio, come out here, come and see what your Wild Kingdom of a dump has done to my boy. Get out here and handle it like a man. I’ll have this property condemned. This has gone on long enough, by God. I know people, Bonifacio.

 

The mob’s energy attached itself to Mr. Dilwell and his demands. Salvio could not see his caller from the upstairs window, but felt in his metatarsals the man’s ire, his broad-backed vim. He did see the faces of at least two dozen bystanders (how the vicarious multiply themselves around tragedy) lift themselves to where he, framed by drawn-back lace curtains, peered right back down at them. Index fingers rose like missiles—the most scrutiny Salvio had endured since boyhood, since his father’s departure.

 

There he is, there’s Salvio, that’s him, his mother, she died around the holidays, I saw the ambulance, was it cancer, helluva thing, who knows, maybe she’d been gone for weeks, bad ticker, could be, ramshackle, destroying home values, strange lot they are, what a family, the father in prison all those years, died there in fact, you remember, the treasury scandal, embezzlement, never quite recovered, heart trouble, bedridden for ages, never let anyone help them out, crazy as billy goats, never mow the lawn, probably riddled with vermin.

 

Salvio backed away from the glass, from the speculations and truths.  He heard the reporter at his front door: Mr. Bonifacio, could we have a word? Salvio, are you a beekeeper? How do you know Jacob Dilwell? Mr. Bonifacio? He feared faces at the parlor windows, at the kitchen door, hands rumbling the doorknobs, picking at the locks. He’d done nothing wrong, nothing at all, he was just a man in a house. Alone. How long before those doors gave way?

 

Sit, he needed to sit, to think calmly, to keep himself safe. He found the arm of his mother’s favorite chair, found the needlepoint seat, the upright comfort of its gilded back, and found those surfaces alive with bees. While he had watched neighborhood theater, a tragedy in three acts, his home had become a hive, a habitat. Across walls, around the phonograph’s mahogany cabinet, traversing a fern, flocking a plaster bust of the Blessed Virgin. Everywhere he could see, or touch, or step. How could so many materialize from one? In the kitchen, they’d found the overflow from a bloated can of corn, an apple core, the dregs of orange juice at the bottom of a glass. In his bathroom, they dabbed dainty feet to the backed-up drains and drank.

 

Salvio walked with care. Bees danced on the parquet floors, bees probed every window, bees sampled toothpaste, the ficus tree, the potpourri. Thousands and thousands of them, each a tiny soul.

 

More children gathered outside to hear the fresh legend called Boys Become Fools, and to bid Jacob’s ambulance swift passage. More parents came to lead them away from trouble, from the possibility of another monstrous swarm. The crowd moved to Mrs. Montieth’s lawn and quieted. Mr. and Mrs. Dilwell followed the ambulance in their flatbed Dodge.

 

Local news writers took photos, climbing through shrubs and over piles of bricks and rubble to photograph the Bonifacio’s home and the sickly elm. Onlookers described the scene to newer arrivals, pointing to the broken, bloodied branch, clusters of bees, the place where Jacob fell, explaining his fondness for dumb ideas and broken bones. The boy finds trouble. Always has, remember when he took a chainsaw to the fire hydrant?

 

By noon, there were no more stories to tell about Jacob Dilwell. Mrs. Montieth promised everyone she would be the point of contact for word of Jacob’s condition. The Channel 8 van departed for more emergent affairs.

 

Salvio watched a bee crawl in and out of his pajama sleeve. The sensation—feathery, benign—reminded him of a kitten he once held. He would not be alone as long as the bees lived here in the house with him. They would surround him with their chatter, their stirred air and primordial rituals. A beekeeper, him: a purpose for Salvio Robert Bonifacio.

 

The bees would need freedom, a fail-safe way in and out of the house. He returned to the attic with a hammer and a bread knife. Where daylight peeked through, Salvio chiseled at plaster, sawed at lathe. He worked a rusty golf club into cracks, and brought decayed shingles down upon his head. Then he stood back, satisfied. Roof and sky shared a generous maw.

 

Bees explored their new convenience and Salvio’s perspiring scalp. He unintentionally squashed one while swabbing himself, earning a stinging rebuke and a blazing, guilty headache. He would need protection to move easily among them. Duct tape strapped a lampshade to his head, and a lace tablecloth, draped over the shade and knotted between his legs, covered his most sensitive regions. He found work boots and tough leather gloves in the furnace room (should it smell faintly of egg in there?), and calamine lotion in the downstairs bath. When he stretched his arms wide, he felt moth-like, made of something holy.

 

As he moved from room to room, lord and keeper of this manor, bees took refuge on his veil. He found himself enjoying the weight of them—one felt like nothing, like the molecular zero of a single hair, but hundreds, together, became a chain mail that both endangered and guarded him. In the attic, beneath his mother’s chandelier, he tested a stiff foxtrot while the bees clung fast. In the parlor, he spun to what Chopin he could hum. He set out saucers of jam, and misted the houseplants with droplets of water for them to drink.

 

At five-thirty, he ate some pickles from a cracked jar, offering tastes to any interested bee. He read to them: excerpts from A Tale of Two Cities, and his mother’s favorite recipes (meatloaf au vin, almost everything au vin). At sunset, Salvio eased himself to the attic floor for sleep. Bees blanketed him with gold.

 

Superficial, childlike dreams followed, a slideshow of sensations and memories. Salvio dreamed of his mother making popcorn at the stove, the percussion of it, then the time he sat, as a toddler, for portraits at Sears (smile, darling, you are my sunshine) and cried at the flashbulb’s rude sparks. Arrows, when he was cupid in a play at school, then hailstones, the tingle of them on his arms, the orange fizz thrown by a campfire, the sparkle of ginger ale upon his chin. He dreamed of shouts that fell like stones, of jeering, of watching from the porthole window as other boys drove cars to girlfriends’ houses. Of his father’s cigars, of Independence Days.

 

He awoke to stars, to war.

 

Bits of brightness, all around—bottle rockets, their burning-candy smell, their small tongues of flame. He heard one scream, watched it duck into the attic through the hole he had made.  Then another, and still more. One landed on his shroud, feeding itself on cotton and starch. Salvio smothered it with his gloved hands. Below, boys (Jacob Dilwell’s faithful) called out dark and vengeful oaths. Salvio stood, and stomped on a dozen eager fires.

 

Restive bees smelled smoke and anger, took to the air, made a sound Salvio had not heard before, like far-off bagpipes, wide and bottomless. He ran downstairs to the bay window, apologizing as he cut through clouds of them. He felt a sting at the back of his neck, another on his thigh. Panic made him enemy, foe.

 

In the street, a mob. Mr. Dilwell, braying, the boys trading playground epithets, feasting upon odium. Light another one, kids, keep them coming. We’ll make him come out face us, won’t we boys? That’s right, it’s about time. Think of Jacob, boys. Think of Jacob.

 

Salvio filled a bucket in the kitchen sink and ran to the attic. Much of it sloshed over the sides and onto the stairs, causing him to slip and blunt his knees. Staggering, squinting, he arrived at a conflagration gorging on boxes of old books and papers, nibbling at his mother’s chandelier. He doused himself with the remains of the water.

 

Fire was loud, he decided, the greedy roar of it larger than Mr. Dilwell’s noise. It was also beautiful, painterly, much more colorful at close range than expected—pale lemon when encountering new fodder, deepening to tangerine, then russet, and finally a violet blue as temperatures crested, as surfaces succumbed. He pressed one gloved hand over nose and mouth, awed. With the other, he drew circles in the smoke.

 

Below: the caw of fire engines arriving, the thin wheedle of squad cars. A megaphoned order to the crowd, desist, disband, though Salvio could not say if the words were meant for Mr. Dilwell’s militia, or for his own nation state.

 

Salvio took to the floor once more. He felt washed pure, thawed to his core. Goodness fell on him from above, amber, and thick. The rotted attic walls released themselves, nectar rained down.  He licked his lips; the taste was sweet.

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Cut and Paste

 

In my collages, I mine popular visual culture to explore experiences of mood and an altered sense of reality. These collages reflect, through juxtaposition, an experiencing of a reality different from those experiencing consensus-reality, yet simultaneously they remain relatable in a way that forms a new sensibility. Given their small-scale, they function much like snapshots and spontaneous occurrences.

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Not a Museum to Nostalgia

Appearances, by Michael Collins
Saddle Road Press, 2017
84 pages, paper, $16.00

 

 

“No one wants to hear / impressions of the natural world,” Louise Glück warned twenty-five years ago, tongue-in-cheek, in The Wild Iris. “It is / not modern enough.”

 

Writing about the natural world in 2017 is an even trickier business. In Appearances, Michael Collins’ second full-length collection, however, the natural world becomes the imperfectly perfect site of one man’s struggle to hold onto the fraying pieces of himself within the whirlwind of a numbing, urban, twenty-first century life. This doesn’t, however, turn into a sentimental journey marked by luminous insights or an elegy to environmental ruin. What we get, instead, is a disarmingly genuine and intimate collection of all the thoughts a person walking every day around an ordinary harbor thinks, and all he’s seen, in poems that build convincingly on plain, deliberately understated images: ducks, clamshells, old people sunbathing, gulls, fish, oil spills, and water, lots of water.

 

That Collins himself realizes the potential perils of his quasi-Romantic undertaking comes through loud and clear in several poems, and adds to the charm and complexity of his speaker. Take the opening section of “Eclogues,” one of the stand-out poems of the collection, placed near the end of the book:

 

I came to this harbor unconsciously.

 

Seeking a mother made of breezes and waves.

 

One of those sublime lies the soul will tell

to trick a depressed man up out of bed.

 

Even after I reasoned this was silly,

I still liked it here, so I wrote poems

 

to honor the landscape for its own sake,

lending my voice to the slumbering fiddler

 

crabs and their marshland and ducks and swans and clams,

feeling rather magnanimous, thank you.

 

What’s notable here, apart from the skillfully timed humor, is how subtly—and unexpectedly—the speaker glides from state to state, and from tone to tone. From the high mythical arch of “Seeking a mother made of breezes and waves,” the opening couplet drops to a hard stop, a hard silence, before making a complete about-face. This is just a lie I tell myself, the speaker admits, because I’m depressed. In the third stanza we get another shift: I knew this wasn’t true all along, but I still like being at the harbor and trying to write. The poem goes on by acknowledging that nature isn’t “some museum to nostalgia,” before reaching the realization that “there’s nothing to fear or worship here.” In closing, Collins offers an effectively understated image of the speaker holding onto a fence as a storm approaches. Hairpin turns, psychological acuity, and self-effacing humor—we get these, fortunately, throughout Appearances.

 

This passage from “Eclogues” illustrates another pleasure of this book and a hallmark of Collins’ style: ingeniously compact philosophical statements. What is a “sublime lie,” exactly? That could be the thesis of its own essay. And on death, in “Katabasis,” the speaker observes: “It is not / an event; it is / a perspective, growing / slowly in each unique / separate sight.” On death and nature, in a passage about gulls shattering clamshells, “Seawall” gives us this to chew on:

 

. . . no words

to name an act murder. Nature, pure

transformation. Instantly

 

the world is only this cycling;

there is nothing

I must render.

 

Cleanly sculpted, with line breaks that let us savor the full meaning of this poem’s simple but resonant words, we get a weird chill from realizing that killing holds no moral content in Nature and that our seeing, as poets or otherwise, has zero bearing on any of it. And finally, on what it means to try to turn experience into words, “Myth” plunges us headlong into a fast-moving philosophical and personal meditation. Set in short lines that zigzag down the page as quickly as the concepts metamorphose from one to the next, the third-person speaker “walk[s] until / the jagged harbor is / a circle, walking until / he is himself, until / he is also the self / he is not.”

 

But perhaps what’s most compelling, most likable, about Collins’ work in Appearances is the raw persistence of his struggle—rendered fully and quietly visible to the reader—to commune with the soul that’s ‘out there’ in the natural world and also in us. “[A]ngel i know you here in flesh / i will not release you / until you bless me,” demands the speaker in “Genesis.” And like Jacob wrestling all night with the mysterious angel that could be God himself, that struggle in Appearances is often bittersweet. Moments of restoration and solace come as we watch leaves swirling in the water (“Fall”), a grown man hugging his dog (“Poem for a Predator”), enormous snowflakes falling down as in a winter globe (“Creation”). Keen disappointment, even outrage, crop up, too, in poems like “Dead Fish,” where a whole species dies helplessly in polluted water. But for every blissful pair of retirees whooping over a newly caught fish (“Communion”), Collins seems to tell us, there’s a plastic “Shop&Stop bag / that hangs from the chain link fence thrashing.”

 

That there is no final resolution at the end shouldn’t come as a surprise. A mandala has no starting or ending point, as the circular shape of “Harbor Mandala,” a late poem in the book, reminds us. We find in this poem that, despite the speaker’s private agonies and raptures, “ducks nap silently / in the oak shade.” There’s something comforting in that. And something true, if not comforting, in the act of walking by those ducks while carrying our own, completely other, merely human, emotions. The joy of Appearances—its gift—is placing us in these moments again and again, through winter and summer, high and low tide, elation and despair, so we can experience that open, shifting, mandala’s shape of apprehending the world as silly humans.

 

Michael Collins’ poem “Nightmare of Intercourse with Lightning” was a finalist in our 2015 Editors’ Awards and appeared in The Florida Review 39.1&2 in 2015.

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Balance

Mud

 

 

The strange thing isn’t the mud—it’s the formal pose, her neutral, detached expression in this obviously abnormal situation. Her composure is the anomaly, and I have to admit I admire her strength, her ability to transcend the situation, her power over physical discomfort. If I ponder the idea of her long enough I can almost forget about the mud, until I look at the image again and then the central conflict of the photograph pulls me back in, makes me uncomfortable—the tension between my expectations of what a portrait should look like and the messy reality of this photo at odds with each other, as stark as the dark mud, her damp hair and white hoody. Her eyes open wide, unflinching.

 

And yet flinching is what this woman did most of the time: flinched at her boyfriend’s moods, flinched at the judgment of a community that expected everything and nothing from its members. They were trying to live well at a hot- springs resort in a small valley, where it rained almost every day in the winter. The dampness seeped into everything. So, one day, when the rains became Biblical, the river crested the walls of the bathhouse; when the waters receded, a foot of mud covered the walkway, filled the claw foot tubs.

 

She pitched in, like everyone else—wielding a shovel, grunting at the weight of the mud. Her boyfriend took out his camera.  To show her team spirit, her upbeat attitude, she smeared the muck across her face, though they found out later it contained poison ivy. She dared not smile or the mask would crack. It’s the only photo where she looks the photographer straight in the face without grinning a self-conscious, lopsided smile. The earth highlighted her eyes, made of her a figure that simply exists in the world without apology.

 

Balance

 

 

Did you ever really see her in person? The woman in her sequined leotard leading the bedazzled horse into the ring? Did you hear the muffled roar of spectators, smell popcorn and dirt and elephants, feel the dusty light spear in through gaps in the tent flaps?

 

Probably not, but you feel as though you perched ringside as this woman stepped toe-first along the perimeter, one arm unfurled in a gesture that said, look here, prepare to be amazed! At first she simply vaulted in one smooth motion onto the horse’s bare back, rode the creature into a loping gallop, then, quick as a blink, stood up and balanced on the horse’s spine. Smiling, always smiling, the ta da! of her arms and the crowd roaring in approval. She cartwheeled into a handstand and then dismounted, running alongside the horse, both of them barely breaking a sweat.

At home you balanced on anything you could find: the sidewalk curb, tiptoeing one foot in front of the other, swaying first to one side then another, or the retaining wall of the eucalyptus bed, or even the back of the couch. You pretended to defy the laws of gravity. You reflected the light of many suns. Your skirt billowed in the wind of your flight.

 

Did you ever think to be afraid? The time you climbed over the crib railing and down the hall to your parents, dragging your leg braces behind you. Scrambling up the bookcase or the oxidized poles of that second-hand swing set just because you could. Your tricycle became a vehicle for daring—perched on your bare feet or careening around the corner on one wheel.

 

Years later, when your life tilted off-balance, you climbed the chalky limestone cliffs high above Lake Travis and gripped the edges with your toes before plunging into the lake far below—only to climb up and jump again, no crowd roaring in approval, no horses, or popcorn, or elephants. But the water did sparkle like sequins, like flint.

 

Schoolhouse

 

 

We loved school. We loved being with each other. We loved the chalkboard, the eraser, the scent of dust rising from old books. When we were young, we loved our pencil cases: the way everything aligned there, each sharpened point facing in the same direction. It zipped closed easily, opened easily, was clear enough to see what was what. Everything a person could need fit inside that pouch. We loved naptime. We loved the sound of other bodies near ours, breathing, all of us pointing in the same direction.

 

We loved snack. And lunch. And modeling clay. We watched the older kids on the playground: kids who pretended disdain, who called us babies and flounced away. We were babies, but felt so big, every day something new within our grasp: letters, numbers, maps, history. All of it lay waiting in cupboards, innate within the chalkboard, waiting to be revealed.

 

The most important lessons weren’t from maps or books or parent-teacher conferences, or even from every kid’s favorite subjects: lunch and recess. We learned our limits, how to push ourselves, how to find interests, then articulate them, then stick to them, and ourselves, when you find out they aren’t “cool.” How to bounce back—like when I started a new school in sixth grade and sat alone for two whole weeks with no one even coming over to say hi because everyone thought I was a student teacher. Or when I chose to hang out in Mrs. Collier’s room during lunch, the two of us eating in silence while reading together. It never bothered me because I grew up knowing the importance of an education, my family story one of escape from poverty and subsistence farming only because of school, my Grandma Ruth’s first job as a teacher in a one-room, sod schoolhouse her ticket out, the world within her grasp.

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Interview: Brenda Miller

         

 

Brenda Miller is the author of five collections of essays: An Earlier Life (Ovenbird Books, 2016), Who You Will Become (Shebooks Press, 2015), Listening Against the Stone: Selected Essays (Skinner House Books, 2011), and Blessing of the Animals (Eastern Washington University Press, 2009), and Season of the Body (Sarabande Books, 2002). She has also co-authored two craft books—The Pen and the Bell: Mindful Writing in a Busy World (Skinner House Books, 2012), with Holly J. Hughes, and the wildly popular Tell It Slant: Creating, Refining, and Publishing Creative Nonfiction (2nd ed., McGraw-Hill, 2012), with Suzanne Paola.

 

An Earlier Life received the 2017 Washington State Book Award in Memoir, and Miller has received numerous other awards for her writing, including six Pushcart Prizes. Her short work has been published in numerous journals and literary magazines. She is on the faculty of Western Washington University.

 

Please see “Balance,” new collaborative work by Brenda Miller and Lee Gulyas, as well as our review of An Earlier Life, also in Aquifer.

 

Lisa Roney for The Florida Review:
One of the things that was so much fun about reading An Earlier Life was re-seeing some of the pieces that had been published before in literary magazines and how now they hold together so tightly as a book.

 

Brenda Miller:
I’ve worked so hard on that part.

 

TFR:
How did you make that happen?

 

Miller:
As with many of my books of essays I’m never really writing my individual pieces with a book in mind. Every time I have tried to do that I get very inhibited and I start censoring myself and I go blank, so I’ve learned over the years to just write my stuff, and then when I’ve reached a critical mass I start putting it together and seeing what organically is arising that holds these essays together. This is something I tell my students all the time—you have what I call your perennial questions, perennial issues that will come up naturally on their own, so you don’t need to deliberately be trying to write a particular story. So in this one I had a lot of shorter pieces—especially the middle section of the book is about a particular time as a young adult that was very difficult for me (I have tried to write an entire memoir about it, but it didn’t work)—so then I had all these little snatches that to me seemed to be making a story, but I wasn’t sure, so I started putting those together and just playing with that, and they ended up being the exact center of the book and creating their own little narrative in there.

 

The first part of the book had what I call more of a spiral chronology where it’s pretty much going even from pre-birth, with the prologue, which is called “An Earlier Life” and is kind of a fantasy imagining of what an earlier life for me might have been. And then going through childhood, but always referencing the future and what’s going to happen in the future. Then we have that second section about the time in my early twenties when I was living in the desert. Then the third section is more about being an adult and aging and watching my parents age. Then—I really didn’t do this deliberately—but the last real piece of the book is about the afterlife. It really came together.

 

TFR:
It’s amazing. Not that many collections of essays work so strongly as a whole.

 

Miller:
Even though I was doing a lot of hard work trying to put it together, a lot of these things were very fluid as I was doing it. It was only after I had that last draft I thought, Okay now this works.

But I still have that epilogue. [Laughs.]

 

The epilogue is that piece called “We Regret to Inform You,” which is in the form of rejection notes, and I love the piece, and many people love the piece, and I kept trying to put it in different places in the book and it just didn’t work because it’s such an odd voice. I finally just stuck it on the end just to see, and it actually works, I think, because it kind of goes from the beginning to the end in one piece. It’s almost like a review of all we have gone through, but in a very different voice. It’s kind of fun, but it’s also very serious and it ends on a positive note so I was pretty pleased with it. You never really know until the book’s in production and you see it as a book-book. Then you say, Is this really going to work? I’m very pleased that it does.

 

TFR:
It really does. In your recent Rumpus interview with Julie Marie Wade, you commented that you thought at some point your early life would run dry as a subject matter, but you have approached it this time with a sense of forgiveness for yourself, something you said was new for you. How do you think that writing about the same events or subjects changes over time and what’s the relationship between revisiting our histories and writing and deepening our understanding of them?

 

Miller:
That’s a great question because we do kind of tell our same stories. The beauty of it for both the writer and the reader is this coming at it from different perspectives, different angles. I think it was Virginia Woolf who wrote about how the present is a platform for viewing the past [“I can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realizes an emotion at the time. It expands later, and thus we don’t have complete emotions about the present, only about the past.” 18 March 1925 entry, The Diary of Virginia Woolf, v. 3, ed. Anne Olivier Bell. Harcourt, Brace, Jovanovich, 1980.] That present moment keeps shifting every minute as you get older and have different perspectives on things. Even just content-wise or point-of-view-wise as you get older—I hope—you do see those early selves with a bit more compassion or understanding of what went on. You have a bit more distance in order to explore it.

 

I really didn’t think I would go back to that early young adulthood life in my writing again because a lot of my first book was about that. It comes up occasionally, but this time what’s been going on for me is that as a writer as I progress or evolve—and I hope I keep evolving for the rest of my life—otherwise I’m gonna get pretty bored—I’ve been trying new forms. That form of the rejection note, for instance, is what I call a hermit crab essay, which is a term I use in Tell It Slant, where you appropriate a whole different form or voice to tell your story. In this case, rejection notes. When you’re using a form like that you’re starting with the form to suggest the content rather than the other way around, different from how we traditionally approach it—I have an idea, what form am I going to put it in? When you do it the other way, it opens up the door for unexpected writing. I’d say [I can find new ideas in the same material because of] trying new forms, trying different things. When you do that the essay itself, the writing itself will show you a different perspective.

 

Another example in this book is the one called “Pantoum for 1979,” and that’s the most recent essay. It got put in at the very last minute because when I wrote it, I thought, This one has to go in! It was part of a project I’ve been doing for years now, which is appropriating the poetic forms like a sonnet or a villanelle in order to explore how tell a story in prose without it being just a poem without line breaks. It’s been fun, and anytime you can engage that more technical part of your mind for writing that gives your brain something to do and then your subconscious comes forward. In the case of the “Pantoum for 1979,” it gets at that time frame using the very specific repetitive pattern of a pantoum. The pantoum tends to be perfect for topics that are rather obsessive, and I’m like Okay this is good. I’m always thinking about this time [of my life], but never quite get at it. I realized too that in that section comprised of the shorter works, there was never a real explanation about who this person was, how I got to know him, what was going on. The pantoum, even though it’s such a restrictive form, allowed for all this narrative. Every one of my [pre-publication] readers said, “Yes, this is what we were missing.” I’d say really experimenting with form and having fun is the way to keep your writing evolving.

 

TFR:
It must be great that you demonstrate that so clearly in your own work for your students. You know, students sometimes are very resistant—”I just want to write what I want to write.” But if you show them the excellence that can come out of that, it must be very inspirational for them.

 

Miller:
It is interesting that one of the biggest challenges of writing is getting students (or anyone) to loosen up and have some fun. This year, I’m teaching an 8:00 a.m. class, and I think because they’re so tired their guard is down, so they’ve been willing to try a lot of things. At least up until this moment actually—as soon as it’s final projects time then suddenly it’s very serious and they don’t want to use anything that they’ve tried. With graduate students, they’re understandably so focused on their thesis projects, and everything they write has to go in their thesis. It was only when I brought in a collage artist, and we cut up magazines and created this huge mess in the classroom—magazines torn up and glue sticks out and coloring pens—and they were having so much fun. We created these things, and they weren’t for the purpose of doing anything with them. I ignited that little playful spirit, and ever since then they’ve been very game to just try stuff and see what’s gonna happen.

 

TFR:
In last couple years in a graduate literature course I’ve taught, we read a book every week and wrote pastiches of some kind or another, and they were the greatest thing. We had so much fun, writing satires and a whole variety of stuff. Some of their best work came out of it. One student said she’d always wanted to write about her experiences going to music festivals but she never felt like the stakes were low enough to try it out, and she ended up changing her entire thesis and wrote an entirely new thesis in about six months that was just terrific.

 

Miller:
Nice. I find that kind of thing happens all the time with thesis students that if I get them onto a new form, then all of a sudden they just switch gears and the writing’s fresh and original.

 

TFR:
One of the other things that’s striking about An Earlier Life is your use of not just the first person but the collective “we.” You do that quite frequently, and I just wanted to ask why you’re drawn to that unusual point of view in your work. Do you think it’s related to the collaborative writing projects that I know you’re also participating in, or is it something different?

 

Miller:
I had never thought of it that way, but it could be. Right now, I do a lot of my work in writing groups, either with my students or with my own writing group, where it’s generative writing. We have certain timed writing exercises and rules and all that stuff, and so sometimes it just comes out in the “we” voice. I think when I’m writing in that mode it comes naturally. I never set out to say, Okay, now I’m going to write a piece in the “we” voice. I think that happens when I feel like I’m not just talking about my experience but the experience of my cohort growing up in Southern California. I’m trying to think of exactly which pieces use the “we”—I know there’s the one about the lifeguard [“Dark Angel”].

 

TFR:
There’s “Dark Angel,” but also “L’Chaim,” “Change,” “Sweat Lodge,” and maybe a couple of others where the “we” is your family [“In Orbit”].

 

Miller:
I just love it when people see stuff in my work that I had no idea about. [Laughs.]

 

With those pieces, I’m not talking about a particular experience of mine, but about a particular experience of a generation of people. “Dark Angel” is this piece about the lifeguard and just going to the beach in Santa Monica and just us girls and how we were in those awkward teenage bodies and connecting to our bodies. That particular piece was supposed to be three separate essays, but they weren’t really saying anything on their own, so I put them together and saw this theme of distress and that kind of growing-up angst and undiagnosed depression—all things that a lot of girls go through. That piece uses three different points of view—the first section is in the “I,” the second in the “you,” and the third in the “we.” They show different phases or aspects of growing up.

 

TFR:
It’s a strategy that can work to make readers feel included, and I certainly felt very much that way, but I think writing with the “we” is tricky because sometimes people can say, Oh why are you speaking for me? I felt like you handled it in a very gentle way, so it never got overwhelming or bossy. It never became a royal “we.”

 

Miller:
You find it in fiction, too, and it is tricky because, for one thing, it doesn’t have a gendered pronoun, and sometimes it just doesn’t work. Yet when it works, it works. Oftentimes, I’m organically writing in a particular form like a “you” or “we” point of view and it’s actually not working, but it is getting the material out. So I always look at that in revision and often change the point of view. I really want to encourage people, like I encourage my students, to just try it. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to keep it in that form, but you probably will get to some lines and material that you wouldn’t get to any other way.

 

TFR:
Would you speak about the ways in which genre boundaries seem to be in flux these days?

 

Miller:
They are totally in flux. I love it. I love it so much.

 

TFR:
We used to get that advice—there was that sort of classic advice—that you should choose one genre and stick to that. Obviously, we make something else of that advice now. [Laughs.]

 

Miller:
People are doing such amazing work out there. This particular book is probably the book of mine that does that more than my other books. I’m using poetic forms. I’m using a lot of
hermit crab–type things. Even the use of the “we” voice is a fictionalization of experience. I feel like this book is really in flux between poetry and nonfiction and fiction and other
things, too. [Laughs.]

 

I think it’s very exciting not to be couched in these very distinctive genre boxes. When I was editor of Bellingham Review, I kept seeing more and more that people are really trying to break those boundaries. I’m all for it.

 

The collaborative work really does that because, like, What is this? There’s no one speaker, a lot of them are in short sections, and some of them were responding to art, some were responding to a particular topic. It’s a very exciting back and forth that doesn’t really fit anywhere, which makes it hard to find a place for them. We get rejected a lot because people just don’t know what to do with them.

 

TFR:
Send one to me. One thing about The Florida Review is that there’s a history of engaging with new forms or forms being newly accepted as of artistic merit. The previous two editors did this over the years with creative nonfiction and then graphic narrative, and I’m looking to stay in that tradition. We’re starting to accept some digital storytelling, to recognize that as an art form, and we’re open to all kinds of things.

 

One more major question—your writing is characterized by an intense interiority and often somberness, but you also sometimes exhibit what I might characterize as insouciance. “Swerve,” in particular. And you’ve already talked about “We Regret to Inform You.” It’s not a light humor, but it’s funny. How does humor work for you and your writing, and how do you decide when it’s right to be funny?

 

Miller:
I never set out to be humorous because once you do then you’re not. [Laughs.] I mean, some writers are. Some writers are very good at that, but I find if I’m not having a good time then I might get bored with it. It comes out of playing with form. Often the hermit crab pieces have what I’d call an inadvertent humor to them because you’re usually taking a very objective form like the rejection note—in this book I also have a dress code piece, and that kind of thing is usually pretty authoritarian and rigid—then combining that with really intense personal stories and confessions. The humor arises naturally [from the contrast] and then the key is whether it gets gimmicky. In the revision process, I have to find out what this piece is really about.

 

In the case of the rejection notes, I had probably twice as many as ended up in the final piece because once you start writing about rejection you have so much material on your hands. I was having a grand old time just writing them. I gave a first draft to some readers, and they said, “Yeah, it’s good but it gets a little repetitive and gimmicky,” so I had to think about what this piece was really about. I heard in several of the letters this idea of finding the role that suits you, so I cut out all the letters that didn’t have that and highlighted that theme in the others. Then it started to take on more of a cohesiveness and a sense of being a complete piece. Then it takes that turn in the middle—it’s kind of humorous at the very beginning with being rejected in my art class—not having my drawing displayed—or being rejected as a tenth-grader—not going to the dance. You know, normal things that people can relate to. Once you start working in that way, people let their guards down. They’re laughing and saying, “I can relate to that,” and then it gets more intensely personal as it goes along until I get a letter about my miscarriage as a young woman, and it’s actually from the miscarried baby, which is not something I was expecting to happen, but again it was like the form demanded it. I was just going along chronologically and I’m like,  Okay what happened next in college?Oh yeah, and I said, Do I skip that? Well, no. So, I wrote it and then just went on. I didn’t spend a lot of time with it, but in the revision process I found, Oh there’s that real turning point in the essay. Whenever I read that piece aloud—and I love to read it because it’s an audience-pleaser—they’re laughing and laughing, then I get to that turn. There’s like the “Ohhhh,” and then people get subdued. Then there’s laughter again, but with a different feeling.

 

Though it happens a lot in more traditional essay forms, it’s more difficult. By using these other forms you automatically create what I call a shared space between the reader and the writer using a form people relate to—especially, in this case, if you’re reading to writers who are all familiar with the standard rejection note, so they’re already with you. That’s one way I go about thinking about humor.

 

TFR:
What else would you like readers to know about An Earlier Life? And where you going next?

 

Miller:
I’d like them to know that these essays were written over a period of time—probably five or six years—and that I did spend a lot of time getting them into the order that they are. Sometimes
readers of essays will pick it up and just read at random, and I’m thinking, I spent so much time putting it in this order, so read it in order! [Laughs.]

 

I’d say that the collaborative work is really intriguing to me. I also have been doing some writing challenges over the summer. I wrote from a prompt a day with a writing group—me and two other writers—and we did the prompts in different ways. The first month was from a literary magazine that had it as a part of their way of getting people to their website, but they put out a prompt a day, and my two friends and I wrote to that. We’d send each other work and we liked it so much we continued in July and made our own prompts and just rotated who gave the prompt. Then in August there was a photography blog doing a prompt a day so we would take a photograph a day and then write to that. By the end of the summer I had probably more than 220 pages of new work.

 

This was also while my father was dying, and I thought there’s no way I can write, but it’s the summer and I need to write. By having the community and by having the external prompts, I was able to record everything that was happening that summer as well as memories that were coming in. I have not looked at work yet, but I plan to next month and to see what’s there. That
might turn into its own little book, but would never have been written without community. The type of community we need changes as we develop as writers, and I don’t need a feedback community so much as I need a generative writing community now. But I still need community. I guess that would be the last word—I think we all need our communities.

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The Boy

Two down. Two Greyhound days down, and Texas by morning, so Billy figured. Dallas by noon, and then, who could say? Across the bus’s wide aisle from him, Sam slept, her boy tucked into the crook of her back, the both of them curled against the upholstered plastic of two cruddy seats. Sam cropped her hair high and tight, like a boy’s, like her boy’s, but it had grown out of late, pressing up from her scalp in ragged shoots. Messy. Ugly. Billy sprawled himself over two seats of his own, one sneakered leg thrown sideways from his hip into the empty aisle seat, a single sentence writ across his face: “I dare you to sit with me, motherfucker.” Dallas by noon, and then, a new life to last him for good. Girl and girl’s bastard in tow, but a life of unknown newness nonetheless.

 

Boy and mother turned in dream. The boy woke for a moment and scrambled to his mother’s lap. Lodged against her breasts, the boy folded his feet into the seam of Sam’s legs. Thomas. Small for four, already blessed by thick glasses with brown, gawky frames, the only ones available to the state Medicaid patients. The boy wore a button-up shirt beneath a natty pullover vest, though the temperature had topped eighty the long way across Indiana. Thomas’s wrists were thin. Thin wrists meant a boy would always be small, even when he grew. Like with feet on a kitten, the forever smallness of things betrayed by wrists and feet.

 

Billy held up his own hands. His wrists were solid, comfortingly so.

 

Outside, the last, drab Hoosier fields passed by, Michigan long gone. Corn melded on the pane with the boy’s mirrored, blond head.

 

Billy knew that Thomas would grow up to be an outcast, too weak for sports, too gangly for girls. He pitied the boy, saw how much a problem the boy already was and, from the look of his bones, would always be. High school, where Billy had shined, would be awful for the boy, and there was Billy in that satin-framed future, around to see the whole damn pageant. Unless Thomas someday found the thin-wrested gumption to run away in the steep of night.

 

Billy bent to Sam, to kiss her, but the smell of her made him stop. She’d not had a good wash, anything more than a splashdown from a tepid faucet in a truck stop restroom outside LaPorte in more than a day. He hated Sam’s smell when she hadn’t washed. She didn’t smell like a woman, so he thought, but more like old milk left out on a counter. And he’d done that once, in a Southfield apartment, gone and left a gallon of milk out behind a pile of dirty dishes after he was done eating a bowl of Corn Flakes. Days passed before he remembered, tracked down the faint hissing sound which had plagued his space for days, the sussurations of the sour milk’s vapors in escape from around the cap. The bottle, swollen fat and pregnant, he’d thrown carefully away.

 

Billy fancied himself an expert on scent. Scent was the hook, not looks or money, that really attracted one of a pair to another, nothing but scent. Pheromones, the odors a body produced by the natural order of being a body and which really did it for some other poor sack of blind and groping meat. A part of Billy supposed, maybe, that he should love Sam even when dirty, when awake or asleep, but he could only smell what he smelled, only the scents brought to his waiting nose, what came.

 

Billy also knew that the boy, Thomas, was the real problem between them. Not bad scent. Without Thomas, he and Sam could’ve left D-Town years ago, escaped to warmer nights and better jobs, because Sam wouldn’t have needed her mother for day care and diaper cash. If he’d met Sam before whoever-was-Dad had done, they’d already be gone, years hence, a few short but happy lifetimes ago.

 

Billy thought of Mary Saunders from his twelfth-grade homeroom. Near on five years had passed since he’d sat next to that crazy Mary. Mary Carrie they’d called her, after the movie. While he waited for the first-period bell, she’d make eyes on the pages of her notebook, scores of them, like laden plates of fish-egg bait. He’d never been close enough to smell her to tell if she had good pheromones, but he’d bet not. Sour for certain, full of salt and old cold cream.

 

Sam stirred, pushing against the child on her lap.

 

“My leg’s asleep,” she said, before turning her head to the window.

 

She revolved her body as far away from Billy as she could, and Thomas’s right leg slipped off her knee. The high-top sneaker hit the underside of the seat in front of them with a metallic ping, bounced off a heater grate, and so many miles rolled by, Billy’s head flushed awash in visions. He became lost among visionaries. He was lost already.

Dallas was hot that June. The temperature reads they passed in the taxi, going from the bus station to the motel, blared 104, 105 in gaudy florescence, like advertisements for the pleasanter coast of Hell. People outside walked briskly with their shoulders squared and their backs erect, moving as though proud that they were here, swarming in the heat and taking it well.

 

“This is awful,” Sam said. “A hundred and five? Give me a fucking break.”

 

“Dry heat,” Billy said. “You can feel the difference. Ninety’ll break a back in Michigan because of the humidity. Humidity’s what makes heat rough.”

 

“We shouldn’t have done this,” she said.

 

“My great-grandfather,” he said. “You know what he wanted? He wanted to marry a Dutch girl before he came to America. He tried to find the right woman for weeks. Couldn’t do it, but he looked, right up until they loaded his bags on the boat. Still, he wanted a girl from home, so you know what he did?”

 

“Gave up?” she asked. “Got on the boat by himself like a grown-up?”

 

“He went to a brothel, right there in Amsterdam, asked if any of the girls would marry him. ‘Somebody wanna marry me?’ he asked. ‘Get up right now and I’ll pay your way to America.’ So my great-gramma, she stood up and said she’d do it. She came with him.”

 

“Great,” Sam said. “I’m thrilled. It’s still too hot.”

 

“They were married fifty-seven years,” Billy said, nodding. “We could be like that, you and me, if you got a better attitude.”

 

“So if I get a better attitude,” Sam said, “I can be a whore. Bought and borne for your stupid ass.”

 

Though Billy searched her for intent—jest or wrath—he saw only the long lines of her face gaping back at him. Her eyes were closed, her mouth thin-lipped, her arms held close to her chest. Her body braced, all of her an oracle of nothing, a fount of excommunication.

They bought a room for the night, one with a single bed, wood paneling, and no AC. Sam cracked the lone window as far as it would go, three or four inches, before the painted-clogged jamb stopped its slide dead. She craned her neck askance and put her face into the crevice. She grimaced, scrunching her features shut and strained. Billy could swear her face pinched and shrunk, as though trying to slide out between the frames.

 

Thomas sat on the corner of the bed, rummaging through his tiny, hard plastic suitcase. The contents were limited, only a shirt or two and a pair of swimming trunks. Sam had wanted him to have something to carry, to train him a little with some responsibility, but he had nothing that couldn’t be replaced if he left the bag behind in a gas station bathroom. From somewhere deep within the case, a pocket that Billy couldn’t even see, the boy pulled out a stuffed animal he’d ferreted away on his own, a toy ghost come all the way from Detroit.

 

Billy frowned. “What the hell is that?”

 

“Super Banana,” Thomas answered.

 

“Oh, leave him alone, will you,” Sam said from her window. She lay flat on the sill, fanning her face with a Mexican take-out menu someone had left on the peeling Formica countertop in the ‘kitchen,’ just a nook on the far side of the room that couched a sink and a battered, broken stove.

 

“He is a boy, isn’t he?” Billy asked.

 

“He’s four.”

 

“So he can still be a four-year-old with some balls.”

 

Thomas ignored them, flying his stuffed, man-shaped banana around the room. The toy had arms and legs made of rainbow shoestrings. Machined, white leather hands and sneakers. As he dragged the toy across the end table beside the bed, which held nothing but a single lamp and an ashtray, one of the toy’s legs caught in the ashtray’s cigarette rest, and, as he flew it by, the boy pulled the ashtray off the table and across the bed, still attached to the banana. Leftover, metal-gray ashes spilled out onto the ivory sheet. Billy stared at the pile, on his side of the bed. He let out a long sigh and stood immobile.

 

Thomas stopped playing and tried to tug the toy loose, but the leg was wedged in good. A minute and the boy whimpered, then softly cried.

 

Vacating the window, Sam came to him. She cradled his shoulders and removed the toy from his hands. Gently, she pulled the leg free of the ashtray.

 

“Maybe I should cry, too,” Billy said. “Until somebody helps me. It’s my money for this palace. My job quit. My ass in the ashpile.”

 

“Don’t,” Sam said, hugging her boy.

 

“A place like this won’t change the sheets twice. You know that as good as me.”

 

“Please,” she said.

 

“Lucky they were clean in the first place.”

 

Billy could feel the ashes already. They pasted themselves, cold and slippery, against his back. His night would be a sleep on shoreline dirt, the absent tide gone and not coming back.

 

He slumped into a tattered armchair in the corner and tried to rub himself free of the slick mess he swore was on him, but he couldn’t.

 

This was a mistake. His life was a mistake, everything that had followed the doctor’s slap and his first heaving breath.

 

Even if he brushed the ashes away, they’d have worked their shitty fingers into the cloth, buried themselves in the fibers. They were waiting for him, and him alone, and once they hopped aboard his skin, he would never be rid of them, not of a single mote, and he’d wake up in the morning as dirty as a mule, every morning, ever after.

By Wednesday night, when the travel money was gone, Sam started in on a nonstop cry, one lugged up from a bottomless well in a broken pail, one that slaked the room’s thirst with nothing wetter than a woman’s constant regret. Her eyes were inflamed, the lids pinkeye swollen, the whites tarnished with windshield cracks of red.

 

Billy pulled off his shirt and tossed it on top of the pile they’d grown in the corner beside the chair, because they hadn’t yet found a laundromat close enough for walking.

 

Sam gripped the Mexican menu in one hand, fanning herself. Eight in the evening, the temp ninety, more than ninety. She was pallid; she looked boiled. In her other hand, she held a rolled-up Vogue, stained by irregular shapes on its back cover, an ad for a fancy perfume.

 

“Cockroaches, now, too” she sniffled. “I’ve been after them all day.”

 

Billy looked closer. Carcasses speckled the wall behind her.

 

“I would’ve cleaned,” she said. “But, you know. If you turn your back.”

 

Her skin looked blue with dirt, her hair like a helmet of grease. Billy wondered if she’d been in the shower since they’d arrived.

 

Thomas dangled off the edge of the bed, at practice in the tying of his shoes, pulling one loop around the other with repeated circles of motion. Billy sat down beside the boy and showed him the right way, once again. Billy’s fingers moved quick and sure, and maybe just a little too angry, so when he pulled too hard as he unknotted the left shoe, Thomas looked ready to tear up again himself.

 

Billy refused to comfort him. The world was hard. The boy was so different, different like someone else’s child.

 

“There’s a kitty outside,” Thomas said, watching Billy’s hands as he started on the right shoe. “He eats everything, even pretzels.” The boy giggled, indelibly amused.

 

Billy nodded, remembering the animal from when he’d gone job hunting that morning, a scrawny stray with orange tiger coloring and two torn, Tom’s ears. The cat looked mangy, and had an unnatural lump on its back the size of a golf ball.

 

Billy double-knotted the sneaker. “You can’t have pets here,” he said.

 

“Someone should report us to management, then,” Sam said. “Got us a number of violations racked up.”

 

She whacked the wall, loud enough to make the neighbor next door pound back and yell in his familiar, throaty Spanish. When she pulled the magazine back, a new squash appeared beneath it on the wall, gleaming brownly in the light of the table lamp.

 

No comprendo,” she yelled. “No comprendo, la cucaracha.”

 

“Fine, then,” Billy said. “Five damn days before you gave up.”

 

He rose from the bed, leaving Thomas with one shoe still untied, and threw open the screen door. A horde of moths flew up towards the square-domed light above the room number—14, with the four hanging upside down.

 

Billy stood in the doorway, feeling the heat on his chest like the press of stones beneath an unmade plea. The fight was already long over, the field long deserted, the battle lost. Nothing left out here but the maimed and the dead.

 

He came back in, but left the door open. He fell backwards onto the bed, let himself go limp as he fell so that his weight bounced Thomas off onto the floor. The boy landed somewhere out of sight in a tangle of elbows and knees. Billy could feel the old, flattened ashes beneath him, cool and oily against his skin. He ground hard against them.

 

Sam unrolled the magazine and pretended to read, sniffling again. They all ignored the open door as though a cloud of mosquitoes wasn’t drifting in, and a crush of heat, and after a minute, the scraggly cat, which appeared in the jamb. It stepped across the threshold. Thomas ran to it and pulled it into his arms. The animal allowed him the expression of love without reservation.

 

Thomas took the cat to the chintzy corner chair and sat with it crushed against his lap. He petted the cat with a furious hand, petted as a man might sand a board. The lump on its back was a different color than the rest of its back, pinkish and lighter, where soft fur from underneath showed through. A tumor, then, of some sort, but Thomas didn’t care, rubbing the cat’s back and shoulders, squeezing its angry and tolerant face.

 

Billy got off the bed and brushed at his back. He made the motion a second time, rubbing and scratching and trying so desperately to remove the ashes, but they simply wouldn’t let go. He could feel them, tarnishing the skein of his innermost wants. He walked across to Thomas and swatted the cat out of his arms, stamped his foot once to frighten it, and the animal bounded, jangling claws on the linoleum by the door, absenting itself off into the nightdark.

 

Billy slung his arm behind his back, felt the sharp blade of his protruding shoulder, and scratched, dug, churned. He could feel the ashes, surely. Surely. He marveled as his arm came back out into the vacuum of space before his eyes. He watched the slow-motion arc of the arm of another man, another man with less patience, another man with less hope left alive inside, with less weight in his pants and his heart. This other man’s arm came flying off from his own dirty back, and the hand, that bad, that bad, that so bad hand, it slapped the boy, once, just a single time, backhanded him across the face.

 

No one moved in all the room, or spoke, or took in a needed breath, and the all of them remained frozen for minutes that were really hours, hours that presented time enough for thought, and reflection, and the sheer thrill of wonderment.

In the morning, the door still hung open, Sam and Thomas long gone into its sunborne frame.

 

Billy, woken alone upon the bed, regretted his loss with a vagueness more appropriate to a missing set of keys, and in truth, he couldn’t properly identify the source of all his grief, wasn’t sure, was it the slap, or the dirt, or Dallas itself which had burned away all his possibilities, all those supposedly first-class and everlasting years which his mother had once told him lay ahead of all good boys.

 

Across the room, the cat slept on the floor beneath the armchair. Beside the cat, a pile of old potato chip crumbs drained oil into the shag carpet at the chair’s foot. Bites, from fleas or mosquitoes he couldn’t say, dotted Billy’s arms and chest. They itched, and he tried not to touch them because he knew that if he let go on them, then the wounds would really want.

 

The bites stared up at him like myriad eyes, and he thought of Mary Carrie Saunders for the second time in a week, creating an audience in homeroom. Sometimes, she began the eyes with a series of dots, pinpricks of her ballpoint, and she’d come back later and circle them. She always drew them quick, was resolute in moving on, as if she knew that completing an eye gave it the power of true sight. Other times, the circles first, and then the dots, slammed home with vaccination stabs.

 

Sam had left him the magazine, para las cucarachas.

 

Billy got up, then sat in the chair where he’d hit the boy. Three cockroaches scurried across the far wall, bold now, running sprints. The cat woke, found Billy, and crawled into his lap. So, then. He was forgiven.

 

Billy looked down at the cat, a precarious bird perched on his legs, each of its scraggly paws made into a pinpoint of balance. The cat lapped at his arm hair with a long, coarse tongue, a pink fire, living and alive. After finishing with his arms, the cat stayed in his lap, settled and kneading, and then spreading out flat across his thighs. A chorus of fleas squirmed in its fur. The animal cleaned its face, tonguing a front paw and passing the wet limb over the lids of its eyes. He could picture Sam in Southfield, leaning back on a green plaid sofa and telling her mother what a bastard he was, how awful a summer in Texas could be. But that was okay. He knew better. If it weren’t for her boy, she would be with him still, be here, be contented, pulling down a beer from the 7-11. Laughing. If it weren’t for her boy.

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