{"id":481,"date":"2016-02-22T17:22:00","date_gmt":"2016-02-22T17:22:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/tandt-blog.cah.ucf.edu\/?p=481"},"modified":"2017-10-09T13:12:53","modified_gmt":"2017-10-09T13:12:53","slug":"surviving-the-fear-monster-getting-a-phd","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/textstech\/2016\/02\/22\/surviving-the-fear-monster-getting-a-phd\/","title":{"rendered":"Surviving the Fear Monster: Getting a PhD"},"content":{"rendered":"

To determine how my first post to our blog could have the most impact, I had to figure out what I could add of value to this discussion, while simultaneously thinking about all the plans I currently have in motion – conferences, papers, publications, if the job market will hold after graduation. \u00a0Like many people in this program, I wear a lot of hats. \u00a0I\u2019m a teacher, a student, and a scholar. \u00a0I have a lot of choices when it comes to describing myself. \u00a0However, lately, the way\u00a0I have been describing myself to others is exhausted and worried. \u00a0When I say those two things though, I mean them interchangeably as emblems for the way that I feel on most days: afraid. \u00a0I\u2019m afraid that I do not have anything original to say, that I won\u2019t be as clever as my peers, that I\u2019ll never know as much as my professors. \u00a0At the core of all this, I am afraid that I\u2019m not going to make it through my PhD.<\/p>\n

A friend once told me that fear is just weakness leaving the body (a misquote of a Marine Corp adage about pain). \u00a0Still, that image stuck with me. \u00a0I imagined bringing in a young priest and an old priest to cast out my fear while pea soup got just everywhere. \u00a0I imagined running away to a cottage in the forest where nothing bad ever happens except for wild animal attacks and showdowns with those Second Amendment Militia folk (both felt easier than academia at the time).<\/p>\n

In spite of this, I have managed not to run off yet. \u00a0I don\u2019t think it is because I am special or because I unlocked an achievement that grants me fear immunity. \u00a0The thing that has kept me from collapsing into a heap of abject terror is knowing I am not alone. \u00a0I have been fortunate in my friends and peers in the Texts and Technology program. \u00a0On the occasions when I have shared with them my fear, I was not shut down for my weakness. \u00a0This is especially comforting because the academic system in which we operate has no room or patience for our fear. \u00a0We have been subtly conditioned to think that to be afraid of all this is to be in the minority.<\/p>\n

Think about the culture of academia. \u00a0For some reason the big brass in this country have a hard time understanding why knowledge making is a net good for advancing our species, so those in the business of making knowledge make sure people know what we\u2019ve accomplished. \u00a0Our Curriculum Vitae describe all of the things we have done right. \u00a0They are monuments to our success. \u00a0Looking at other people\u2019s CVs is a great way to feed the fear monster that lives on our shoulders. \u00a0I know this is certainly true for me. \u00a0Every time I take a class with a professor, I try to hunt down their Vita. \u00a0I pour over it and am impressed with all they have done and, for a moment, am convinced I will not be able to accomplish what that person has.<\/p>\n

Research has been done on this very subject. \u00a0Graduate students and new professionals feel it: imposter syndrome – the feeling that you don\u2019t belong here. \u00a0Imposter syndrome is the fear that everyone will discover you are a fraud, expose you, and cast you out of the kingdom and into the badlands. \u00a0Every move I make is one to somehow protect me against this. \u00a0Not because I have overcome this feeling that I don\u2019t belong, but because I am afraid that I really do not.<\/p>\n

We have to make our CVs shiny and impressive while we take courses, work, and try to keep our lives outside of school from falling apart, and it is terrifying. \u00a0We have to find ways to always be selling ourselves as people who add value because there is only so much treasure to give out. \u00a0I understand all of this. \u00a0I know that succeeding in academia requires us occasionally to appear fearless even when it is all we can do not to flee for our lives. \u00a0On the other hand, to deny this fear, to pretend like you don\u2019t have it at all, feels like a disservice to yourself and to those around you. \u00a0I for one want everyone who is reading this to know that I am afraid pretty often, and it is exhausting. \u00a0But I get out of bed every day, and I keep going because I genuinely believe in the work that I\u2019m doing. \u00a0If anyone reading this is feeling that same fear, you are not alone. \u00a0You probably aren\u2019t even in the minority. \u00a0I know the expectation for a post like this is that it will wrap up with something hopeful, but I don\u2019t think that the hope for surviving this fear lies in my words. \u00a0Instead, it lies in our friends and families and peers, especially in our peers (they\u2019re in a very similar boat). \u00a0So take a few minutes every now and again to trade war stories about how crazy everything is. \u00a0There is a lot of comfort in the simple recognition that there is a community of people who know exactly what you\u2019re going through.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***A note from the editor:<\/p>\n

UCF provides great resources for students facing similar fears and stressors. Be sure to explore the great campus resources below for tactics to maintain mental and physical health as a student. For additional support, speak with an advisor, trusted colleague, or program director.<\/p>\n

Health and Wellness Promotion Services<\/a><\/p>\n

Counseling and Psychological Services<\/a><\/p>\n

College of Graduate Studies Pathways Series Workshops<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"To determine how my first post to our blog could have the most impact, I had to figure out what I could add of value to this discussion, while simultaneously thinking about all the plans I currently have in motion – conferences, papers, publications, if the job market will hold after graduation. \u00a0Like many people […]","protected":false},"author":113,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-481","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nSurviving the Fear Monster: Getting a PhD - Texts and Technology Ph.D.<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/textstech\/2016\/02\/22\/surviving-the-fear-monster-getting-a-phd\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Surviving the Fear Monster: Getting a PhD - 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