{"id":5685,"date":"2022-08-18T11:55:08","date_gmt":"2022-08-18T15:55:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/imprint\/?p=5685"},"modified":"2022-08-18T11:55:08","modified_gmt":"2022-08-18T15:55:08","slug":"hope-in-the-dark","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/imprint\/hope-in-the-dark\/","title":{"rendered":"Hope in the Dark"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Sabrina Miller<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0In the aftermath of the first COVID wave, a question arose; \u201cWhere were you when it began?<\/em><\/span>\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0In 2020, I was in the top ten percent of my high school class, a varsity athlete, the president of the choir program, and a dual-enrolled sophomore at Valencia Community College in the \u201cDirect Connect\u201d program sponsored by UCF. Despite all this, three months before my graduation, I had a seizure while driving home from school.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\"\"

\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I had never had a seizure before, and it was completely unprompted. There was nothing that could have been done to prevent it. When I felt the aura of the seizure coming on, I had no idea what was happening, but I knew that something was very, very wrong. I had a friend in my passenger seat that day and my only thoughts were of their safety. I used my very last moments of consciousness to somehow merge through three lanes of traffic off the street and into a parking lot. That\u2019s where I seized and subsequently crashed my car a minute away from my home. Thankfully, my friend walked away with only whiplash. I however, broke four vertebrae in my spine. I didn\u2019t regain full consciousness for a day and a half. I left the hospital eight days later after an invasive surgery, re-learning how to walk, and with a new diagnosis of epilepsy.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0While everyone else had already been hearing about COVID-19, watching the news nervously, and waiting for updates, I was secluded and slowly healing. The first I ever heard of COVID was the message my high school sent the student body saying that classes were indefinitely canceled until the pandemic was under control.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0That message was the final straw. My whole world had been shattered into pieces and looking around I could see no way to ever put them back together. I had lost my identity. <\/span><\/p>\n

\n

No longer was I a healthy honor student looking forward to graduation, I was now a disabled eighteen-year-old recovering from surgery and stuck in limbo along with the rest of the world.<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Afraid to step outside, afraid to stand too close to a loved one for fear of sickness, fear truly consumed us all.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Then, a few days before Christmas of 2020, I collapsed in my living room after a family dinner. I was unresponsive and in the worst pain of my life. My family called 911. The paramedics delivered an unthinkable ultimatum. They said they couldn\u2019t guarantee my safety if I didn\u2019t come to the hospital, but because the emergency room was overrun with COVID patients, they couldn\u2019t guarantee the safety of my family if I contracted the virus that was shutting down the world. They put the decision on me. Deliriously, I looked up into the faces of my mom, dad, and older brother, and couldn\u2019t imagine a world in which I exposed them to danger. I rejected the ride to the emergency room and hoped I could make it through the night.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0I am not the only person who had been subjected to these soul-crushing decisions. For the chronically ill and disabled, COVID-19 had become a death sentence. There were no hopeful statistics of recovery for someone with underlying illness and predisposed conditions. There was only the desperation of trying to remain healthy, and the terror of infecting your loved ones. Cloth masks were no longer enough and even double masking with normal medical masks left room for fear. For someone in my position, at an elevated risk of infection and death, I had to layer on N-95 masks, gloves, and keep hand sanitizer on me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

The choice not to go to the emergency room that night was dangerous. By refusing, I had put my life at stake, and yet for my family\u2019s safety, I was willing to sacrifice anything.<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \"\"

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Then came a new diagnosis. I had a severe case of a chronic illness called C.Diff. The only place I could have contracted it was from my first stay in the hospital so many months ago. It had been slowly eating away at me all this time, and now at the height of the pandemic, it had destroyed me and left me wasting away in the hospital, yet again. COVID restrictions dictated that only one family member was allowed to visit me, so for the next eight days it was just myself and my mom in my tiny room. On Christmas eve I was alone. On Christmas morning she brought a stocking to the hospital, but I couldn\u2019t bear to open it. I was afraid I was dying and felt that I had stolen my family\u2019s Christmas. I could see my mom\u2019s thinly concealed fear as she silently put the stocking away and held my hand instead.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0The new waves and variants of COVID continued to roll in and consequently my support system was split down the middle. My international family, my Nonna<\/em> and Zia, <\/em>were stuck behind Italy\u2019s closed borders as the virus surged through the country and across Europe. The New York Times<\/a> reported that by Christmas of 2020, \u201cItaly now had the highest number of COVID-19 deaths on the continent.\u201d They would not make it home to celebrate the traditional Italian Christmas, Epiphany<\/em>, with us.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Things weren\u2019t much better at home in the United States.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Despite the risks my family and I were enduring, some of my closest friends were still putting off or refusing vaccinations. <\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Even with easy access to vaccines through the ability to make online appointments with CVS and Walgreens, many chose not to. As the new year came so did a new variant of the Coronavirus, the Delta Variant. According to Yale Medicine<\/a> by the start of 2021 Delta was, \u201caccounting for more than 99%\u00a0of COVID-19 cases (at the time)\u00a0and leading to an overwhelming increase in hospitalizations in some states.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0The polarization this created in some of my most cherished friendships and family relationships was unbelievable. I could no longer allow unvaccinated people into my home for fear of my own life and those that lived with me that were also immunocompromised. <\/span><\/p>\n

\n

The lack of trust in science and compassion for the well-being of others in our communities was astounding. <\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Those that were previously healthy and went on to contract COVID and recover, deemed it \u2018not so bad\u2019 as the CDC and World Health Organizations were warning. They left no consideration for those that did not have the privilege of strong immune systems and bodily health to \u2018bounce back\u2019 from COVID. <\/span><\/p>\n

\n

In a way, the disabled, chronically ill, and elderly became a forgotten demographic, willing to be overlooked in order to reduce fear of the virus\u2019s severity.<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 When I was finally released from the hospital the isolation was suffocating. For many in my situation, there was a feeling of confinement to our homes and endless quarantine. Many people were refusing to wear masks and even to this day many have gone on to decide for themselves that the pandemic is over and take no precautions. The world became like a battle ground for someone like me, navigating new chronic illness and disability. I was surprised by the lack of empathy. Before 2020 I had been in perfect health all my life. I would never have foreseen a future like this for me and yet anyone can develop or sustain a disability at any time. It is the only minority you can suddenly join, and I am not the only person whom this has happened to. Anyone could be affected and yet it seemed as though very few people cared. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0The fear was consuming and lonely. Yet as I sat together with my family, my dad said to me what he often does. Family is forever<\/span><\/em><\/strong>. In the dark, in the uncertainty and pain, when the fear closes in and nothing is for sure, family remains. I realized that although I was isolated by the pandemic, diagnoses, and illnesses that afflicted me, I was not truly alone.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"

 <\/p>\n

\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Because I was so unwell, I had been forced to resign from my job as a part time teacher and tutor. Despite this, I continued my community college classes from the hospital and my bed. When my Associates of Arts Degree was sent to me in the mail, I held it in my hands like a badge of honor. It was proof that fear didn\u2019t own me, proof that I was strong and resilient. It ignited a tiny ember of hope in my chest that told me that I couldn\u2019t give up yet. I had to see my goals through. And so, with the key that my AA degree provided, I began the process of transferring into the 2021 UCF Fall semester. Because of the pandemic, it was a difficult process and it felt like a miracle when everything was finalized. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0I was officially a student at the University of Central Florida. The college my father was an alumnus of, and my brother was a senior at, my hometown university I\u2019d wanted to attend for years. It didn\u2019t matter that I still had serious hurdles to jump over regarding my health, that I was still sick, or that in some ways I was still afraid. The hardest part was behind me. This fear I could learn to live with, the fear of something new, because it meant that I was moving forward again, that I was living and reaching toward my goals, one step at a time.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0During the darkest times my family pulled me out of the depths. They held me up and never complained about the extra weight. Slowly but surely international restrictions were lifted, and my family was able to travel between Italy and the United States again. COVID was still in the air, but I felt as though I could breathe again. <\/span><\/p>\n

\n

When I began walking on my own again, the UCF community welcomed me with open arms. <\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0One day, I hope I won\u2019t just be walking through campus, but running toward graduation.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Many students my age deal with big feelings like fear and anxiety by isolating themselves. They pull away from family, friends, and the support systems that can help them the most. I am grateful to have learned a difficult lesson early on. Embrace the love you receive and rely on the strength and abilities of those you trust. <\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Whether your family is overseas like mine, a couple states away, or down the road, make the effort to extend your hands to them and trust that they will lend you their support and compassion.<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Treat your neighbors and community as your family as well; make an effort to stay updated with vaccinations and continue wearing masks indoors to protect the people around you that may be more vulnerable and afraid.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0After everything, one of my favorite sayings comes to mind.<\/span><\/p>\n

Finch\u00e9 C\u2019\u00c9 Vita C\u2019\u00c9 Speranza.<\/em><\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

In Italian it means, \u201cWhile there\u2019s life, there\u2019s hope.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Life can be hard and vicious and unfair, but if there is<\/em> life, if you are alive, there will always be hope for better days.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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