{"id":7691,"date":"2023-04-10T07:00:27","date_gmt":"2023-04-10T07:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/floridareview.cah.ucf.edu\/?post_type=article&p=7691"},"modified":"2023-04-10T07:00:27","modified_gmt":"2023-04-10T07:00:27","slug":"75-simple-steps-to-positive-growing-change","status":"publish","type":"article","link":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/75-simple-steps-to-positive-growing-change\/","title":{"rendered":"75 Simple Steps to Positive, Growing Change"},"content":{"rendered":"

1. Consider not reading the e-mail from your cousin Tommy, but then read it. Discover that your Uncle Dave has died. Of an embolism. Very unexpected, as is the case with these things. The e-mail notes the date, time, and location of the funeral. It is signed \u201cbest, Tommy.\u201d Struggle with how this makes you feel. It\u2019s been at least ten years since you\u2019ve seen any of your relatives. Your mother\u2019s funeral was the last time. You can\u2019t believe how long it\u2019s been. Ask yourself what you\u2019ve even been doing in all that time. Decompressing<\/em> is the only answer that comes to mind.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

2. Take a Greyhound to Harrisburg to share Tommy\u2019s grief as well as the grief of your Aunt Joan and Tommy\u2019s twin sister Linda. Your own grief is of course less severe than theirs, but you are family and are grieving in appropriate amounts. Think about how your mother would have admonished you if you told her that the funeral were being held at a particularly bad time in your life, making it very inconvenient for you to attend.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

3. Struggle to maintain your composure during the service, which is as anxiety inducing as anyone could have purposely arranged. Wonder who these people are. Assume they\u2019re probably wondering the same about you. Shake hands with Tommy but don\u2019t approach Linda or Aunt Joan, who seem almost too<\/em> bereft at the cemetery, under a purpling sky that feels so close you could touch it. Imagine yourself being carried off by birds.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

4. After the service, just as it begins to rain, accept a ride to the house from one of the other funeral attendees, a solemn man in his 50s, perhaps a business acquaintance of Uncle Dave\u2019s. Tell him that you are the nephew. Smile and nod when he says, \u201cOh, the one from the city.\u201d Thank him for his kindness when he offers his condolences. In the car, a twenty-year-old Acura kept in good trim, when he asks whether you mind if he smokes, ask him whether he minds if you vomit. Drive the rest of the way in silence.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

5. Stand in the living room eating finger foods and drinking cocktails. The rain is falling in unbroken sheets, white noise humming in the background like classical music played at low volume. The boyfriend or fianc\u00e9e of one of Linda\u2019s friends, Dom or Don or something, hovers by the rolling bar and threatens with a drink anyone who ventures too close. Due mostly to these predations you\u2019re on your third gin and tonic, which he keeps calling G&T<\/em>s. \u201cNeed another G&T<\/em>?\u201d he asks, you\u2019re sure only trying to be of help in your family\u2019s time of need. \u201cLooking a little dry there, my man.\u201d Watch him pick up some ice cubes with his fingers, which someone really ought to talk to him about\u2014the tongs are right there<\/em>. But, trying not to think about vectors of germ transmission, accept the drink, thank him, and then stand inconspicuously in front of a cluster of family photos. The largest photo is of Linda and Tommy at Epcot Center in their 90s clothes, lorded over by Uncle Dave and Aunt Joan. Picture their teenage resentment as a heavy, opaque liquid oozing right out of the photo.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

6. Notice how the house feels like a place of pretty negative juju. Likewise Harrisburg in general, which you haven\u2019t visited since you yourself wore appalling 90s clothes. You\u2019ve come to associate both the house and Harrisburg with many painful instances of youth. Recall the day in 1992 when Uncle Dave body shamed you in front of basically the whole family. How afterwards you\u2019d imagine him stealing away into the night to gleefully commit crimes. You did this to deflect his criticism, to make these the savage words of a vile criminal rather than the casual insults of a family member. But also, if he had no compunctions about reducing his only nephew to tears, imagine what he must have been capable of doing to complete strangers. Or his children. Looking at the raggedy group of mourners, wonder what they actually know about him. Walk to the buffet table to gnaw on a baby carrot.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

7. While gnawing, try to remember past instances of positivity and bonding with your cousins since they are currently consumed by grief. Or so you imagine. Your uncle was not a warm man. No one would ever have said that about him, yet here people are in his home, or more correctly former home<\/em>, celebrating his life. Recall a weekend visit when Uncle Dave pulled Tommy\u2019s arm behind his back at a cruel angle for some offhand comment he\u2019d made about the Penguins. How Linda had tried to intervene while you only sat there frozen to the spot. Remember how she yelled, \u201cLet him go, Dad!\u201d and the speed with which he then turned his anger on her for merely trying to defend her brother. Over hockey, no less!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

8. Recall how you dissociated from the scene, even though back then you lacked the word for it. How you saw it instead as a tableau, not anything you were involved in or even necessarily present for. Witness it from a remove, as though watching it on TV or through the illuminated dining room window of a house you are walking past at night. Note your uncle\u2019s hair, how the word that comes to mind is \u201cyellow\u201d rather than \u201cblond.\u201d See Aunt Joan smiling nervously\u2014but at who? At you?\u2014as though this gesture would exonerate Dave, excusing his behavior\u2014his violence<\/em> towards his children, to call it what it was\u2014as a small peccadillo, as \u201cOh, you know how Dave gets sometimes.\u201d See Tommy, dark haired like his mother, thin still at the time, having not yet started to lift weights in the garage, something you only now realize might have had to do with his father. See brave Linda, who looks like a beautiful and young female version of Uncle Dave, which she did her best to rid herself of at some point in her twenties when she got a wholly unnecessary nose job and began dyeing her hair red. She is the one to challenge him, not Joan, not Tommy, certainly not you. Note your relief and surprise when Uncle Dave suddenly lets the whole thing go, drops Tommy\u2019s arm and reaches quickly, automatically for his beer, and how you all eat in silence until, finally, Aunt Joan turns to you and asks if you\u2019re looking forward to seeing Santa at the mall the following day.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

9. No. That\u2019s not it. You weren\u2019t a Santa-visiting child then. You were older. You and Tommy and Linda were in your early teens. Instead of Santa, you would have gone on long aimless walks together with some of their friends and smoked cigarettes and shared a small bottle of pilfered peppermint schnapps, you always on the outside of the group, the interloper, unable to really talk to anyone except for Linda. Recall their Harrisburg idioms, the slang you struggled to make sense of. The inside jokes you were not privy to, because Tommy made it abundantly clear that bringing you along was an obligation and not something he would have preferred to do.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

10. Take a moment to acknowledge your gratitude for Dr. Becky and the tools she has given you for addressing and processing your trauma. Recall the body shaming incident again, only now recall it without the shame. You did not deserve that. Let it go. See? See how much processing you\u2019ve done already? Take another sip of the G&T.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

11. Also acknowledge that, despite the processing and healing, your current level of distress is exacerbated by the realization that Tommy has surely inherited some of these traits from his father. Things like that are passed down, cycles perpetuated, etc. Dr. Becky insists that part of what we must do to achieve healthy personal growth is to identify and nullify negative patterns. Tommy is clearly the victim of very powerful negative patterns, as evidenced by the time when, as kids, he deliberately pushed you into a patch of nettles. Recall your mother holding a cold washcloth to your lower back.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

12. Wander back to the photos. On the same wall is a shelf on which sits an award statuette engraved with Uncle Dave\u2019s name. Realize there is a lot you didn\u2019t know about him. We are, after all, complex animals. Wonder what you could do in your own life to one day be worthy of an award. Consider doing something for children. Or better yet: orphans. You yourself are an orphan, which strikes you as an odd thing to be at 37.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

13. Turn around when someone clears their throat behind you. Discover that Tommy has snuck up on you, which you take as further proof of his dilapidated mental state. \u201cGary, what are you doing with Dad\u2019s award?\u201d he says. You\u2019re surprised to see that you\u2019re holding the award\u2014a hunk of Lucite in the shape of two hands doing a handshake bearing the words Harrisburg Order of Civic Friendship, Dave K. Lowry, 1997<\/em>. Even with Tommy standing there with an accusatory look on his face, take a moment to run your fingers over its delicate edges. \u201cYou know Dad loved that award,\u201d he says, \u201cso maybe don\u2019t mess around and break it, huh?\u201d This could be a humiliation technique, but he\u2019s not entirely wrong. There are some clearly flimsy parts sticking out at the ends of the Lucite arms. They could snap off. \u201cYou think I need this today?\u201d Tommy says, eyeing your G&T. He holds out his hand and you put the award in it. \u201cThe glass, Gary,\u201d he says and hands back the statuette. \u201cBack on the shelf, and watch the drinking, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

14. Mentally replay one of Dr. Becky\u2019s DVDs, the one in which she says that inner growth often results from placing oneself in unfamiliar surroundings and seeing how one gets on under the duress of not knowing anybody or even knowing where to go for a decent sandwich. Here you are in Harrisburg, which has grown unfamiliar over the many years of your absence, trying to glean positivity at a funeral. You\u2019ve read that this is how boys become men in Africa. Not by traveling to Harrisburg, but rather by going off into the wilderness to fend for themselves and possibly entering into combat with a lion, and additionally without the convenience and security of their houses and families. And when they return to their houses post-wilderness, they are changed. Positive, Growing Change.<\/em> Although more likely they live in huts.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

15. Careful to avoid detection by Tommy, head to the rolling bar and accept Dom\u2019s (?) offer of another G&T. Then, in need of some peace, sneak off to the pantry where instead of peace you discover Linda crying into a large sack of flour. Wonder briefly about appropriate levels of grief and about catharsis and the various ways in which we as damaged human animals express our many emotions. It\u2019s been years since you\u2019ve given any thought to Uncle Dave\u2019s penchant for casual cruelty or whatever his specialty was, but being here now, supporting your family, you can feel in your bones that he has misused people in bad ways. Wonder if there\u2019s a sense of relief in Linda\u2019s tears. Could a human even discern that? Maybe one of those cancer-detecting dogs could. Gulp down the last of the G&T and pat her reassuringly on the shoulder. When you do this, she jumps like a frightened kitten and looks at you with huge red eyes. \u201cOh, Gary,\u201d she says, her shock giving way to arms being thrown around your neck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

16. Take this embrace as a sign that the healing can begin. Linda must acknowledge the awfulness of the past in order to begin the rebuilding! Over her sobs, say, \u201cThat\u2019s right, Linda. Let it out.\u201d And boy, does she. Soon she\u2019s practically having a seizure. Recall how Dr. Becky says that sometimes when our pain has been sublimated for too long an inner dam must first break before we can allow the river of our emotions to flow once again at a healthy rate. Tell her she\u2019s not alone. Tell her you know all too well that her father was a monster.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

17. Feel how, with this avowal of solidarity, her sobs lessen. Her river resumes its correct path! Feel proud that you\u2019ve taken the first beautiful step of an important journey, together as family. She pulls away. \u201cWhat did you just say?\u201d she asks.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

18. Say to her, \u201cWe can overcome our trauma!\u201d Say to her, \u201cYour dad can\u2019t make you\u2014or anyone<\/em>\u2014suffer anymore!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

19. Smile as she calls out for Tommy. Maybe you\u2019ve misjudged your own cousin. Surely he\u2019s suffered as well. Been victimized at great length and intensity, etc. He must be in need of some dam-breaking, too. Identify and nullify<\/em>, is what you will tell him. This is where it begins! <\/em>Tommy arrives in seconds.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

20. Listen as Linda says, \u201cGary, tell Tommy what you just said to me.\u201d Here\u2019s your chance. You\u2019ll do Mom proud in terms of familial supportiveness! Put a hand on each of their shoulders. Say to them, \u201cI know how hard this is. The complex emotions, the years of trauma. But we can change this.\u201d The looks they\u2019re giving you? These are grateful looks. Say to them, \u201cWhatever awful things your dad did, we are not hopeless! We can heal.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

21. Take note of Tommy\u2019s confusion, as though conflicting sentiments are waging an important inner battle. Ask him, \u201cHe body shamed me, do you remember that?\u201d Ask him, \u201cDid he beat you?\u201d Turn to Linda, knowing that no amount of hurt and damage is unrecoverable from, and ask her, \u201cDid he\u2026touch<\/em> you?\u201d Watch her eyes go glassy with tears. The healing starts here<\/em>, is the message you are getting in huge neon letters even as Linda again erupts into sobs.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

22. Wonder how you should react when Tommy says, \u201cThat\u2019s it. Get the fuck out of here, Gary.\u201d And before you realize it, he\u2019s got you by the arm, painfully jostling you out of the pantry.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

23. Protest as he drags you through the house, but do it quietly so as not to bring up family skeletons in front of strangers. But even so, everyone turns to watch this parade of misunderstanding, because that\u2019s surely what this is. Experience genuine confusion when the buffet table gets knocked over. Look in the direction of the breaking China, and as you\u2019re being pushed out the door, see Aunt Joan\u2019s questioning expression. Resist the urge to struggle as Tommy hands you off to Dom, who gives you a weak smile as he escorts you down the driveway. Accept that he\u2019s just trying to be the good guy here, but he doesn\u2019t understand. He\u2019s not family. Up on the porch, see Tommy with his arms around Linda and Aunt Joan who are both crying, clearly in the midst of catharsis, now framed by a bunch of moochers and gawkers.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

24. Yell to them, \u201cWe need to address underlying traumas! We have to acknowledge these things in order to heal!\u201d Dom, you\u2019re almost certain it\u2019s Dom, pushes you into the passenger seat of his Nissan. Accept that leaving is for the best. You\u2019ll mend fences later, at a less fraught time. Tell Dom that you\u2019d like to go to the Greyhound station.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

25. Be surprised to find yourself, again and again, thusly on fire, despite your widely acknowledged talent for flammability.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

26. Consider worrying about how Dom drives, because surely he\u2019s driving too fast for the road conditions. You don\u2019t know how safe a driver he is on a good day, let alone now, in this downpour. His instincts could be way off.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

27. \u201cLook,\u201d he says, \u201cit\u2019s a rough time for everybody right now. You gotta let the family work through their grief without adding to it, is what I\u2019m saying.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

28. Doing your best to conceal your fury, say to him, \u201cThe family<\/em>? I am <\/em>the family. I am facilitating<\/em>! What about you<\/em>, Dom? You\u2019re a stranger picking up ice cubes with your fingers<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

29. Accept the rightness of your argument when he doesn\u2019t respond, and instead turns on the defrost. Listen to the whooshing air. \u201cIt\u2019s actually Don,\u201d he says after a while.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

30. Unbuckle your seatbelt when you arrive at the station. As you open the door, Don<\/em> says, \u201cSeems like you\u2019re carrying around a lot of sadness, man. I hope you can work through that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

31. The gall of this guy. The absolute nerve. Let this remark go, however, because what are you going to say? What could you even say to this kind of gross oversimplification? Who <\/em>isn\u2019t carrying around <\/em>lots of stuff, <\/em>Don? <\/em>Exit the car and walk through the rain with your dignity intact.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

32. In the station, watch as a man chides several children while attempting to wrangle an old woman displaying all the classic signs of dementia; watch a teenaged boy hiss racial slurs into his phone; watch an elderly couple carrying garbage bags and disintegrating suitcases held together by peeling duct tape. But regardless of this cavalcade of misery, the station is a relief. It\u2019s times like this when you are thankful that you do your shopping almost exclusively with a Citizens Bank Mondo Mileage Card. Travel-related purchases are easily reimbursed with bonus miles, and, thanks to this, attending Uncle Dave\u2019s funeral has cost you only $14 round trip. Change your reservation to the next available Pittsburgh-bound bus, another thing that\u2019s a snap with Mondo Miles. Luckily, there\u2019s a bus leaving in 40 minutes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

33. After retrieving your ticket, hold a free weekly newspaper over your head and step back into the rain to find a liquor store. Circumstances being as they are, you can justify a pint of bourbon. Allow only a small amount of guilt to creep in. There\u2019s actually a whole DVD chapter devoted to stress-propelled intoxication (Disk 4, chapter 2: What Not to Do [Although We Desperately Want To]!). Your sense, however, is that Dr. Becky would understand the need for the occasional drink, given that what you\u2019re aiming for is incremental progress. Going \u201ccold turkey\u201d would be a bit much to ask of anyone, despite Mom\u2019s near constant assertions to the contrary. So allow yourself a drink when necessary and ask quietly for understanding. You can\u2019t be too hard on yourself all the time, is the thing.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

34. Back in the station, stealthily sip bourbon from the bottle, which is camouflaged in your backpack. Count the minutes until you\u2019ll be at home and can process the day\u2019s events in a productive manner. Listen to a garbled voice spit out departure information from an overhead speaker. Watch the other Pittsburgh-bound passengers make their way to the gate. Take your place at the end of the line. Sip bourbon from your backpack.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

35. Notice, just as the line starts moving, a sudden and insistent discomfort in your bowels. Run<\/em>, they instruct you with grave seriousness, evacuate with all possible haste.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

36. Clutch your stomach as you rush past a row of urinals. Observe each one flushing in turn\u2014a salute to all the times you have communed with toilets! Consider how urine is sterile when it leaves the body\u2014the purest part of you escaping. Bright like liquid sun hitting the gleaming white porcelain and slowly dissolving the innocent pink of the urinal cake. Then the flush. Water rushing your urine seaward in subterranean rapids. Part of you joining the biggest thing in the whole world, the sea, and it is changed by you<\/em>, not you by it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

37. Attempt not to dwell on the condition of the stall. Refuse<\/em> to dwell. Think instead of the kind and thoughtful inclusion by the restroom designers of a dispenser full of hygienic seat covers. But then, before you can even make use of them, an announcement crackles through the speaker: Final boarding, 12:45 bus to Pittsburgh. Last call. <\/em>Since you cannot fathom missing the bus, continue clenching and run.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

38. Step carefully onto the bus. Shuffle down the aisle. Notice the other passengers looking at you, possibly sensing some inherent weakness of character for being the last person onboard, for being so borderline irresponsible. Go directly to the toilet but stop when the driver says sternly through the intercom that passengers must remain in their seats until the bus is moving. Find a seat and try to ignore the rumble of the engine. The driver lists all the stops you\u2019ll be making, really taking his time with it, but then, mercifully, pulls out of the station. Get up and lurch down the aisle while the driver casts his evil eye at you in the mirror. Decide that you don\u2019t care. Let his curses come for you! Lock yourself in the claustrophobic\u2019s nightmare masquerading as a toilet. Breathe through your mouth as you drape the seat with hygienic covers and then drop your pants and sit. Briefly consider thanking God for small miracles such as this. Allow yourself a few sips of bourbon.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

39. Wake to an insistent knocking at the door. You can\u2019t deny that you are quite drunk. Slap the life back into your legs. Exit the bathroom to discover half a dozen surly passengers waiting. Consider apologizing but don\u2019t. A man in a western shirt with a braided goatee sneers at you. Does he know what you\u2019re going through? Of course not! This is another life lesson: Reserve your judgment! You do not know how hard others have it! Walk back to your seat. The duo of teenaged girls sitting across the aisle look at you and giggle. They have no idea what unpleasantness awaits them, and you don\u2019t want to be the one to tell them of all the heartbreak and job loss and stretch marks in their futures even though you are feeling more than a little pained by their behavior. As you approach Pittsburgh, take solace in watching the landscape grow familiar and soothing, the aqueous quality of the light that is particular to the Steel City.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

40. Let your thoughts turn to Tommy, Linda, and Aunt Joan. You have to believe they\u2019ll eventually be able to acknowledge their pain. They\u2019ll see that your actions, even if perhaps the timing could have been a bit better, were only in service of ripping the Band-Aid off to allow the healing to begin.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

41. Transfer to a city bus that stops three blocks from your apartment. Ride with your forehead resting against the window and feel the grease of the last forehead to rest there, but accept that the soothing coolness of the windowpane is more important than any potential forehead bacteria. Downtown on a weekday afternoon is so awful you can hardly stand it and yet there are people all over the place, completely at ease, closing business deals or whatever, all without a single thought to the probably impending cataclysmic events in their lives. Or maybe they\u2019re not worried about that. Maybe they\u2019ve already found Positive, Growing Change. At a red light, watch a man kiss a woman on both cheeks as they meet crossing the street. Right in the middle of the crosswalk! It\u2019s the most European thing you\u2019ve ever seen.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

42. Arrive at your apartment and acknowledge your gratitude that you have not, to your knowledge, been burglarized. Lock the door behind you, slide the deadbolt shut, and plop down into the comforting embrace of your sofa. Open your backpack for the bourbon and, along with the bottle, find Uncle Dave\u2019s award. Become aware of the hot buzzing in your head, the grotesque cramping in your stomach: the hallmarks of an impending shame-spiral. This is not due to the guilt of having \u201cstolen\u201d a cherished family keepsake, but due to the embarrassment at being thought of by the family as someone who would steal a cherished family keepsake. Become sickened by the idea that you might be judged so unfairly. You can offer no explanation for the appearance of the award in your backpack\u2014this alone should exonerate you! Accept the overwhelming need for a drink. The bourbon is all gone except for a doleful little swish. Drink it and hope for the best.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

43. Dr. Becky says it\u2019s good to have a support system in place for when we are handed lemons. Look at the clock. Almost 6:30pm, which is too late to call Gil Zwieback at the counseling center to ask for advice on alternate support strategies. You\u2019ve called him at home before and he seemed genuinely surprised by it. But you told him his phone number was there on the internet as a matter of public record. He said that you should probably talk about boundaries.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

44. Become aware of your growing anxiety. You need to find your center, reevaluate, and concentrate on how to return the award unnoticed and unblamed. Put on the Your Power to Heal!<\/em> DVDs, starting right at the beginning\u2014Disk 1: You Are Also Worthy of Love and, By the Way, Your Emotions Are Valid, Too. Notice your anxiety already beginning to ebb during the opening credits. Dr. Becky is a godsend. Feel a pang as she appears on screen. A pang of what? Comfort? Desire? Can it just be a non-specific pang? A slight but not unpleasant pain in your side.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

45. Follow Dr. Becky\u2019s guided meditation and gradually feel a renewed sense of calm. You will find a way to address the award. Even though at this very moment Tommy is surely impugning your character to anyone within earshot, even though your family is surely already referring to you as a petty thief, deepening their suspicion that you are the \u201cblack sheep,\u201d you will find a way to fix this. Do the focused breathing exercises and a round of affirmations. With each wave washing over the rocks (the DVDs are filmed on an inspiring Hawaiian beach), feel your desire for calmness manifest itself. Repeat Disk 1\u2019s mantras: I am alive in this moment! I am present! I will persevere! <\/em>She speaks softly but confidently over the crashing waves, but not in a sexual way, although who can say what other people find arousing? Repeat aloud: I am here, and no one is any more deserving of happiness than me. <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

46. Meet Dr. Becky on the beach. The waves lap at your bare feet and together you intone mantras over the roar of the ocean, drowning out all the cataclysm and disharmony that the world holds in store for anyone. Then, just as the sun dips into the water: a swell of fiery Hawaiian drumming!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

47. Wake up in the dark, the weight of the Lucite hands on your chest, the sunset replaced by the DVD player\u2019s logo slowly floating across the screen, caroming from wall to wall. Note the discomfort in your head. Your phone chimes. Six voicemails from Tommy. In addition to the hangover, find that your right ear is completely stopped-up. This has happened before. Thanks to a mishap in the bathtub a few years ago, you have a perforated eardrum, and this, coupled with chronic sinus issues, sometimes leads to your ear becoming stopped-up, plunging you into temporary partial deafness. It\u2019s maddening\u2014the deafness, the loss of equilibrium, the pressure in your sinuses that feels like a leather strap being tightened. There\u2019s also nothing you can do about it except take a handful of Mucinex, put a hot washcloth over your ear, and wait it out. But that can take hours to have any effect. Stand up a bit unevenly and pace the length of your apartment. Rap your knuckles along your upper jaw hoping to loosen the clog of fluid. You\u2019ve been here before. Every time this happens you\u2019re sure it\u2019ll be permanent. Panic overtakes any rational part of you and even Dr. Becky\u2019s mantras can feel useless.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

48. Spin in circles in the middle of the living room. You don\u2019t know why or how spinning ever became a coping mechanism, but when the sinus\/ear thing happens it\u2019s never long before you find yourself doing it. It must have helped on some unremembered occasion. Peeking over the top of your panic like it is a wall, think that if you just spin quickly enough the centrifugal force will eject a globule of mucus and you won\u2019t end up being discovered deaf and dead of a panic attack, alone in your apartment.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

49. If Dr. Becky has any plans for another DVD installment, which you sincerely hope she does, realize that she\u2019d do well to address this intersection of emotional and physical discomfort. She could even include you as an expert on the subject. Return to the beach. She\u2019ll say something like, \u201cFriends, with me today is a very special guest. A man who is no stranger to suffering and in fact has met his own personal demons head on to come out the other side like a phoenix rising from the ashes of personal trauma!\u201d And you will nod wisely along.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

50. Say to the camera, \u201cTrust me when I tell you that no matter how bad you have had it or are currently having it, I can empathize! Do you want to talk about negative life-changes coupled with physical ailments? Let us not even talk about that! Let us instead talk about our ability to surmount these challenges! Let us instead talk about how no amount of suffering is too great for us to overcome!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

51. Think about how you\u2019d act if you were ever to meet Dr. Becky in person. Would her hair smell like you\u2019ve imagined, like coconut? Her face is the very embodiment of inner calm and personal fulfillment. Consider how you\u2019d thank her for her DVDs, acknowledging how helpful they\u2019ve been for you. Although it\u2019s not as if you were some basketcase slob before the DVDs. You were simply in need of some extra tools. You\u2019ve been through a lot. Your mother\u2019s death, for instance. Recall her in those final months. Mostly she was this zombie presence in the house, lying like a small bundle of sticks in her rented hospital bed, out of her senses with morphine. Recall the occasional lucid moments in which her eyes became unclouded and she was able to lament all the things she would never have the chance to do now, like visiting her favorite beach in Maine again, like the bird painting class she\u2019d looked up online. Recall how you became thankful for the morphine because, at least, it dulled those regrets for her.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

52. Remember going to Darlene\u2019s apartment, who, even though you hadn\u2019t seen her for years, was still kind enough to obtain marijuana for you, which you then baked into a batch of cookies and fed your mother tiny bites of. She could hardly swallow anymore because of the tumors, but smoking it would have been impossible. Recall how, after she choked down a few bites, nothing happened for a long time, but then just when you thought the marijuana would have no effect on her she asked to be taken for a drive. So you bundled her up in her heaviest coat, although by then you could have fit two of her in it, she was so small, and you half carried her to the car and drove. It didn\u2019t matter where, she told you, she just wanted to look at the clouds. They were so interesting all of a sudden, she said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

53. Think back on how grateful you were later that night once she was asleep and how you called Darlene to thank her for the marijuana. But she couldn\u2019t talk, she said, because her baby needed to be bathed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

54. Recall your rage at your mother\u2019s pancreas. That bullshit little organ. Wonder if it\u2019s even an organ. What does it do? How can something so seemingly inconsequential\u2014does anyone aside from doctors even know what the fuck it does?\u2014decimate a body like that? What goddamn right<\/em> does it have?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

55. Continue spinning, continue hoping to dislodge whatever is clogging your ear. As you gain speed, marvel at how the meager interior of your apartment is transformed into a wonderful pattern of horizontal stripes. The room blurs, close your eyes and keep going, gaining speed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

56. Hit the wall with your head and collapse. As you look around, confused, watch the room gradually right itself. You\u2019ve knocked a photo off the wall. The glass is intact so you pick it up. It\u2019s you as a little kid, Mom and Dad on either side, arms thrown around each other and you, too, in some approximation of a group hug. Look at yourself and wonder who this smiling little doofus even is.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

57. Touch the right side of your forehead and locate a hot, tender bump. Your head is chirping like it\u2019s alive with grasshoppers, and for a moment all you can think of is mid-summer and Darlene, and the time you went to that bed and breakfast in the Poconos. There were grasshoppers chirping everywhere at night, so loud you\u2019d have to raise your voice to make yourself heard. But then you got used to the chirping, you got used to Darlene, to her lying on the four-poster waiting for you, and now here in your apartment the chirping fades as well and you hear only a dull noise like some piece of metal that\u2019s been clanged and left to ring itself out. A distant, imperfect bell.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

58. Recall Uncle Dave and Aunt Joan welcoming you into their home once, when Mom and Dad were fighting especially badly. They\u2019re both smiling at you as Mom drops you off and without a word gets back into her old yellow Malibu to return to Pittsburgh where she will fight some more with Dad and then leave him at the end of the summer and then you and Dad will spend the fall alone together, him sitting often in brooding silence staring out the window, until Mom comes back to get you and you move into an apartment with her and then Dad eventually moves to Scranton. Wish that you\u2019d had Dr. Becky back then.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

59. Feel the inexplicable need to go outside. Maybe the nighttime air will let you work on positive solutions. Maybe being outside will give you the necessary space to process everything that happened at Uncle Dave\u2019s funeral and the unpleasantness associated with trying to foster an environment conducive to healing. Maybe you\u2019ll be able to address the accidental theft of the award and the shame surrounding that. Maybe the stopped-up ear too. Identify and nullify<\/em>!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

60. Marvel at Pittsburgh at night! Dark and humid and quiet. There\u2019s no one on the street, not even raccoons. Feel grateful for the solitude. Walk unevenly, which is now partly due to the ear and partly due to the head konking. Notice that within a block the cool air is already working its magic! Keep walking. Feel the blood rushing around inside of you. Think: If walking is this beneficial<\/em>, imagine what running will do!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

61. Run. Soon there\u2019s something happening. Your hearing isn\u2019t back yet, but over the rush of blood in your head tell yourself that you can hear your footsteps. Tell yourself that you can hear the control boxes at each intersection clicking over to change the traffic lights as you pass. You haven\u2019t run in years! It\u2019s wonderful. Think back on other times you\u2019ve suffered from the ear thing. Wish that you\u2019d thought to run then. Watch as scraps of litter blow along the street seemingly under their own power. Look down Franklin Street and see the broken discs of light from streetlamps where they spill from the sidewalk onto the asphalt and wonder if this is all simply what God, in whatever personal way we each conceive of a higher power, has planned for you. Perhaps these trials are yours to endure and this suffering will eventually make you a better person; no more need for coping mechanisms or mantras. But until that day comes, if<\/em> it comes, tell yourself that you\u2019ll go on bearing your specific crosses with hopeful dignity. You will repeat your mantras and, when necessary, run. Your ear hasn\u2019t drained yet, but it will. The pressure will lessen with a long triumphant squeal. You\u2019ll spit the mucus, tinged with iron-tasting blood, victoriously into the sink and that marbled glob will slide down the white porcelain into the drain and be gone. Another part of you joining the water, rushing seaward, home. And likewise, at some future point your family issues will be resolved.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

62. Notice Uncle Dave\u2019s award in your hand.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

63. As you run, holding the shaking hands, think about how maybe you could still return it unnoticed. Tommy\u2019s voicemails might be unrelated. They might be his guilt manifesting itself at having treated you so unfairly. Maybe he\u2019s been calling you over and over (six times!) to apologize. You could take the next bus back to Harrisburg, slip into the house, and put it back. Tommy probably hasn\u2019t even noticed that it\u2019s gone. Things are never beyond repair. Maybe you could all go for brunch!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

64. Allow yourself to be buoyed by the sudden thought that despite the feeling of permanence in each individual moment, eventually things may change. The idea that things will never change is something that\u2019s been ingrained in us since birth. You know this for a sad fact, just like you know there are hands at the ends of your arms\u2014you\u2019re not saying that<\/em> will never change, who knows? Your hands could get chopped off tomorrow! You\u2019re just using it as a point of reference. But through lots of hard work utilizing Dr. Becky\u2019s system you\u2019ve learned that things frequently do <\/em>change, although more often than not in ways we don\u2019t like. For one, you\u2019re not getting any younger. Kid yourself and say, Your hair\u2019s not thinning up top! No one you\u2019ve ever loved has left or died!<\/em> These are changes you could do without. Ask God to let you keep your hands, let them stay, let them not leave you at an inopportune time!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

65. Look about 100 yards ahead of you\u2014someone, a young woman, is standing on an overpass looking down onto the train tracks. Could she also be suffering unjustly from some manner of panic or injury? But even if so, what can you do? Interact somehow? Place a sympathetic hand on a stranger\u2019s<\/em> shoulder? That didn\u2019t even work so hot with cousin Linda earlier! But still, slow down and walk cautiously her way. Sharing even just a small moment of human interaction might help during whatever personal life issue she\u2019s undoubtedly facing. Maybe just a quick nod? As in: Even though we are both in this moment alone, in a different but equally valid sense we are also not.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

66. Become struck, the closer you get, by this woman\u2019s resemblance to Dr. Becky. It\u2019s uncanny. Reconsider approaching. Decide to just watch for a moment from a discreet distance because, after all, despite any desire for commiseration you recognize that sometimes the best thing is simply to be left alone with your thoughts. She might even lash out, misunderstanding your intentions, irascible and confused as God knows we all have every right to be. She really does bear Dr. Becky a striking resemblance despite how you\u2019ve never once seen Dr. Becky standing on an overpass at night. But even lacking the proper context this is somehow comforting. You\u2019re not thinking of the stopped-up ear or Tommy\u2019s yelling or even your guilt about the award. You\u2019re simply aware of your heartbeat and breathing and how both are now slow and even. This isn\u2019t either how you would have imagined Dr. Becky being dressed in her private, off-camera life. You\u2019d have thought she\u2019d be wearing perhaps a skirt and blazer. A power suit. Or is it called a pantsuit<\/em> now? The woman on the overpass has on frayed jeans and a sweatshirt that\u2019s several sizes too big.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

67. The thing is, the look on her face is just awful. Your heart goes out to her. Despite whatever personal shortcomings you\u2019re plagued with, or even perhaps because<\/em> of these shortcomings, you can recognize suffering in others and feel that someone should help alleviate that suffering if the opportunity presents itself. Realize that in this moment you want nothing more than to be the cause of this woman feeling any amount of, you guess, less aloneness. If you can do something to affect any kind of Positive, Growing Change for her, it would also surely lessen your own burdens. That must be how Dr. Becky feels. Approach her with a deep sense of calm and purpose, pushing all your feelings of reluctance down into a tiny ball that you will address later at an appropriate time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

68. Watch as she cranes her head to look further down the tracks, perhaps even hoping to alight on some small background detail that will provide her with solace. A bird taking flight, a cloud teased into a pleasing shape. But instead of that you see what she\u2019s actually looking at. An approaching train. As it gets closer she swings a leg over the overpass\u2019s low wall.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

69. Overcoming whatever social constraints exist in cases such as this, shout at her: \u201cHey!\u201d She looks at you with you don\u2019t know what in her eyes, but is maybe fear? Drop into a sprint as she looks down at the tracks again. Shout: \u201cWait!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

70. She\u2019s got both legs out over the tracks now, the laces of her dirty white sneakers dangling untied. With maybe 30 yards between you still, you can finally see her face clearly. She\u2019s young but her forehead is crisscrossed with lines. Her lips are pale and thin. Her eyes glow dully under stringy bangs. Realize that she looks nothing like Dr. Becky. She looks like Dr. Becky post-hunger strike. Dr. Becky\u2019s cousin on her third round of chemo. Yell, \u201cNo, wait!\u201d She looks up again. Yell, \u201cHey, no!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

71. Run. Close the distance between yourself and this woman as she scoots tentatively forward. Take this as a sign that she hasn\u2019t made up her mind yet. Feel your heart beating wildly. Ignore it. 20 yards. You\u2019ll throw yourself forward and catch her because you have no choice. See yourself doing this: Leaping, diving, grabbing hold of her and pulling her back onto the overpass. Because if you do this, do only this one thing, then it will be okay. Then so much will be okay. You\u2019ll lie together on the sidewalk and she\u2019ll realize what a mistake it would have been. She\u2019ll cry on your shoulder, probably getting snot all over your shirt in the process. You\u2019ll stroke her dirty hair and gradually it will<\/em> get better. Your ear will drain and your family will be healed and whatever wound has driven her to this will begin to scab over. Whatever fluids you need to expel, you will expel and send home. You\u2019re thinking so clearly now as you fly across those last few yards. It\u2019s almost dawn. The sky brightens, the streetlamps click off, and all your apprehension melts away like frost on a windowpane. Her hands tense on the wall to push herself off. You follow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

72. Manage just barely to make a fist around the shoulder of her sweatshirt. And yes! Yes<\/em>! She\u2019s heavier than you thought, or maybe you\u2019re weaker than you thought, but you\u2019ve got her. The sweatshirt\u2019s pulled tight but she\u2019s squirming. You have to get a better grip. The collar\u2019s choking her, she\u2019s spitting and gasping but you can hear her clearly over the sound of the train that\u2019s now just beneath you. \u201cLet me fucking go! I want to go!\u201d Think: No way, Jos\u00e9!<\/em> You have to get a better grip. Look down at your other hand.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

73. Let go of Uncle Dave\u2019s award and then reach over. Pull with both hands. She\u2019s fighting, squirming, punching. Her wounds must be so deep that this seems like the only way out. But that\u2019s not true. This is just her dam breaking, it has to be. Strain, with every ounce of strength you have, to pull her the rest of the way back as the train finally passes. Collapse together onto the sidewalk. Gasp for air. Your lungs are burning. Your heart, beating its way out of your chest. See Uncle Dave\u2019s award on the ground next to you, broken into pieces. The hands still whole, doing their handshake, but the rest in shards.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

74. Look at the woman. She\u2019s on her feet now. You want to tell her about Dr. Becky, about mantras of perseverance, but before you can do this she spits on you, calls you an asshole, and runs off with an arm raised high throwing a middle finger in her wake, her sweatshirt pulled all out of shape, hanging off her like a tarp.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

75. Stay where you are and work to get your breathing under control. It\u2019s okay. There it is. You can do it. Notice that your ear is unclogged. You can hear everything. So many tiny miracles! A car alarm down the street; the retreating train siren\u2014both suddenly miracles. Look up as a car drives along the overpass and slows near you. See the man driving it roll his window down. Hear\u2014hear<\/em>!\u2014him laugh at you and then watch him speed away. But what is this if not evidence of his own personal trauma? And what is trauma if not the opportunity to heal?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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