Kyle is on her way home for Christmas. Home home, as in, where she grew up. She sits stiff in her bulkhead window seat, chewing on the teat of her water bottle and watching other passengers file in. She\u2019s got her dog with her on the flight, her big retriever, the first time she\u2019s flown with him, and she almost wishes a stranger would complain about it. Just enough for an excuse to get mad back at someone out loud. The only reason she didn\u2019t take Iggy when she flew home last year was because her mom doesn\u2019t like dogs, and this time\u2014well.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A flight attendant presses a coffeepot button and Iggy whines at the beep. The attendant turns, looks maybe admonishing, and Kyle puts a defensive, ready hand on Iggy\u2019s neck. The attendant just winks and says, \u201cHe knows the coffee\u2019s bad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle sighs. She grips Iggy\u2019s collar\u2019s leather strap. She could ask to have a drink before takeoff. Even at twenty-nine, airplane mini-whiskeys always seem riskily grown-up. She raises two shy fingers, but the attendant is looking away now. He\u2019s smiling at the cabin doors. Another attendant escorts a young girl onboard.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The girl has stringy blond hair, and a backpack, and a plastic pouch of papers on a lanyard around her neck. An unidentified minor\u2014isn\u2019t that what they call it? She could be five or she could be ten. Older than Kyle\u2019s sister\u2019s twins, but by how much? Kyle\u2019s girlfriends would be able to tell, probably. Those trivia games at baby showers these days when everyone else knows, without guessing, about diaper tallies and babies seeing in black and white. Last time she was home, when she\u2019d just broken up with Saul, Kyle\u2019s sister asked over dinner, Was it because he wanted kids?<\/em> and Kyle couldn\u2019t explain how it didn\u2019t feel that simple.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That night, at that dinner, Kyle\u2019s dad switched the subject on her behalf. He took her out for ice cream after and got her mind off things.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He\u2019s in Reno this year, with his brother\u2019s family through New Year\u2019s.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle prays the attendant will walk this little girl past her row\u2014the airline has open seating\u2014but the girl sees Iggy and her face lights up.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The attendant whispers, \u201cDo you want to sit with the doggie, sweetie?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The kid takes her seat slow. Her feet don\u2019t touch the plane floor. She says, \u201cCan I pet him?\u201d and she puts her hand out carefully, calmly, settling her fingers on Iggy\u2019s taut forehead. Kyle almost tells her, Be gentle. He\u2019s anxious<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Iggy nuzzles, softening under the girl\u2019s touch.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The girl says, \u201cI\u2019m Pearl.\u201d She points at Kye\u2019s wrist, the Series 6 Kyle bought herself as a holiday present. \u201cI like your fancy watch.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle shakes her wrist to adjust the band.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl asks for Iggy\u2019s name, and then Kyle\u2019s. \u201cI knew someone named Kyle who\u2019s a boy,\u201d she says, not good or bad, the way Kyle\u2019s nephews say, I am dancing<\/em>. \u201cBoston\u2019s where my mom is and she had a dog Polka who couldn\u2019t go with her when she moved.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhat happened to her?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cShe went to live with Roger.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle nods, like, Okay<\/em>. But, the mom or the dog?<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The sky\u2019s going dark outside the porthole windows. The aisle jams with elbowing passengers. A graying man in a safari shirt stops at the bulkhead row and asks Kyle if the aisle is free. \u201cI like the legroom,\u201d he says. He stows a camera bag in the overhead, leaves the satchel\u2019s strap hanging down without seeming to notice. He\u2019s about Kyle\u2019s dad\u2019s age, with crow\u2019s feet and an easy grin, and a ring, the soft of his finger grown comfortably around it. His arms and legs fall lazy, splaying into Pearl\u2019s seat space, and he registers Iggy with lukewarm surprise, as if, impossibly, obliviously, he hasn\u2019t noticed the dog until now.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The man nods at the lanyard around Pearl\u2019s neck. \u201cYou must be a professional flyer.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl grins. She tells him, \u201cIt\u2019s my first time on an airplane.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The man looks at Kyle, an impressed face. Why didn\u2019t you say so!<\/em> He assumes they\u2019re together, Kyle can see. She wishes she could just read her book. She wonders about her own first flight, vaguely remembers some long-ago trip where she\u2019s small in a middle seat, her parents on either side playing rummy across her table. The memory hurts.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cPearl was just talking about going to see her mom in Boston,\u201d Kyle says, to clarify.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWell, Pearl. I\u2019m Roy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When the plane lurches, beginning its taxi, Iggy cants forward unprepared. His nose bumps Pearl\u2019s knee. There\u2019s a rip in the knee of Pearl\u2019s jeans that Kyle hadn\u2019t noticed, a rim of dried blood on the denim hole and a scab on the skin underneath. Pearl sees Kyle looking and says, \u201cIt\u2019s OK.\u201d She touches the scab with a careful finger. \u201cI was supposed to fly yesterday, but we missed it. I fell when I was running with my bag.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 And no one put her in a new pair today, Kyle thinks. That\u2019s bad, right?<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl points at an old scar on Kyle\u2019s elbow, as if to say, You fall too<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When the attendant asks for Kyle or Roy\u2019s confirmation they\u2019ll assist Pearl\u2014in an emergency, with any big problems\u2014Roy looks at Pearl and smiles and raises his eyebrows. He says, \u201cI don\u2019t know, kid. You can swim, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl frowns. \u201cLike at the Y?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It\u2019s the same as when Shannon texts teasing, haha videos of the boys doing things they don\u2019t get are funny. Kyle feels bad. She gives the attendant a nod, but he needs to hear her say it. \u201cYeah,\u201d she answers. \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Yes, Kyle\u2019s mom has been seeing someone. That\u2019s the sadness, the great Donne family drama. But the problem is that Kyle knew about Brian years ago, and her mom promised it had stopped.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 One night, when she was seventeen, Kyle burned through a computer cord and went to her mom\u2019s office after hours, to pick up a spare. She found her mom and Brian, the receptionist, in an exam room, on a table. Kyle\u2019s mom was beside herself afterward. She apologized, profusely. She called it weakness. Her humanity. Something Kyle would understand when she was older, a frustrating clich\u00e9 Kyle has kept hoping will come true.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle\u2019s mom said if the rest of the family knew, it would destroy everything, for nothing. And Kyle needed to believe her. She didn\u2019t know how she could tell anyone\u2014like, actually tell them. So, when it came out in June about her mom\u2019s \u201cmistake\u201d with \u201cBrian who she used to work with,\u201d Kyle couldn\u2019t say to her devastated father, her blindsided sister, that she knew more than they did. That she\u2019d known, without knowing it, for twelve years. That it was so much more and worse than they thought.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 If you\u2019ve been long holding a bomb that goes off in a crowd, probably no one forgives you if you tell them, I\u2019m hurt too<\/em>, or, But I believed it was dead<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u2014<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The plane wobbles going up. Pearl squeals and clasps her hands.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Most people settle apathetic into books or sleep or laptops. Roy puts his headphones in and snags his bag from the overhead\u2014Pearl gasps, pointing at the seatbelt sign\u2014and begins cleaning his camera with a little swab. The kind of leisurely routine you\u2019ve perfected on regular flights to worry-free destinations, Kyle thinks, a little indignant.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl tap-dances her feet across Iggy\u2019s back and says, \u201cLook at the clouds!\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl asks Kyle how cold it is outside the airplane window. Cold enough for snow? Will Kyle do snowy things over Christmas with her family in Massachusetts? Kyle asks has Pearl ever seen snow before, mostly to bumper the talk away from her own family\u2019s activities, and Pearl shakes her head no. \u201cThere was snow in Boston last night that Daddy said I missed because I made us late,\u201d she says. \u201cHe drove me three hours to the airport twice. Yesterday, and today all over again.\u201d She adds this proudly, like it was nice that he went out of his way.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That\u2019s something Kyle\u2019s dad always says\u2014Need anything from the grocery store, Dad? What do you want for your birthday? Don\u2019t go out of your way<\/em>, as in, Let\u2019s not worry about me<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle keeps Pearl talking about herself. Pearl likes school. Her best school friends are Lee and Ty. She likes this school better than two others she\u2019s gone to because they hold after-school outside, and her favorite school subject is science, because they did an animal unit last month\u2014\u201cMammals are all different kinds but they all have fur and the mothers do nursing.\u201d She lives with her dad in Louisiana, and they had to drive so far because Houston is the nearest airport.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When Kyle asks Pearl if she\u2019s always lived in Louisiana, Pearl says yes, and Iggy sits up.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cMom used to live there too, before she went to live in Boston. I stayed with Sasha and Jax for a while until Daddy found out and I went to live with him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle asks slowly, \u201cHow long ago was that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl is matter of fact. \u201cTwo years.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 While Kyle works out the sad math\u2014never been to Boston, Mom\u2019s in Boston two years\u2014Pearl bends and stretches for a book by Kyle\u2019s feet, the one Kyle planned to spend the flight reading. Kyle watches Pearl study the angry cover, a young woman smashing an old clock.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle clears her throat. She tells Pearl, whispering, just the two of them, \u201cMy dad\u2019s in Nevada for Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl considers this a moment. \u201cYeah,\u201d she says, nodding. Understanding. \u201cLas Vegas.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The metal drink cart rouses Roy from his camera screen. He pulls out his headphones and reaches for his wallet, announcing to the attendant, \u201cIan, let me treat my friends here.\u201d Kyle just wants a water, but her will to pick a fight has faded. When the drinks arrive, they\u2019re chocolate milk for Pearl and cranberry soda for Kyle, with a little airplane vodka for Kyle on the side. Roy winks and says, \u201cI took a guess.\u201d He ordered a tea for himself, and he turns to chat with Ian as he dips the bag in the hot water.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The plane shudders. Iggy sniffs the rippling liquid in Pearl\u2019s cup. Pearl whispers, \u201cKyle\u201d and leans toward Kyle\u2019s shoulder. \u201cI only like strawberry. I don\u2019t like chocolate.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Once, in the grocery store, when they were picking out a cake for Shannon\u2019s birthday, Kyle\u2019s mom said kids who don\u2019t like chocolate aren\u2019t kids. She said it like a joke. Kyle\u2019s older than Shannon, and she remembers thinking, If she\u2019s not a kid then what am I?<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Roy gets up for the bathroom. Kyle slips the tiny vodka in her purse. She hands Pearl the pink soda and tells her, \u201cWe can switch.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl twirls the soda straw. \u201cLike what Daddy makes for Joy,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The surprising tastes and smells that evoke old memories are never the ones Kyle thinks they\u2019ll be. She cradles the chocolate drink and takes a slow sip. She\u2019s eight, at the kitchen table after day camp, drinking Nesquik with her pancakes. A nice morning. Simple. Black and white.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The first mouthful of flavor fades away, and she takes another sip to try and get it back.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle has been mostly ignoring her mom\u2019s texts and emails, after a few accusatory phone conversations right when the part-truth broke. So Shannon called, Mom\u2019s envoy, to summon Kyle home for Christmas. She guilted Kyle for acting childish about the separation. \u201cMarriages are long,\u201d she said. \u201cMistakes happen.\u201d Shannon, who\u2019s twenty months younger than Kyle, and doesn\u2019t know she doesn\u2019t know the full story, and has only been married four years herself.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When Kyle said it wouldn\u2019t feel like Christmas, Shannon said, \u201cThere\u2019s more about Christmas than walks with Dad.\u201d Normal Christmases since Kyle moved away for college have meant walks with her father around the old neighborhood, sometimes several loops a day. He gets sentimental over the holidays, calls her Kylie and waxes nostalgic about when she was young enough that he knew her friends. He always points out new construction and says, They must have just put that up! If he does it to make her feel like the place isn\u2019t changing too much without her, or because he actually hasn\u2019t noticed the changes before, Kyle can never tell.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle sat on her couch, on the phone, Iggy nudging her with an orange boomerang toy. Shannon said, \u201cGive me one good reason for staying in Houston by yourself.\u201d Her tactic was, You are alone. You are not a girlfriend or a partner or a wife. You are not a caregiver. This was partly what Kyle was afraid of\u2014face to face with Shannon for the whole Christmas week, Shannon taunting, Give me one good reason<\/em>, and Kyle unloading what she knew about good reasons, making things worse just to prove Shannon\u2019s insulting theories wrong.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s not as easy as just blaming Mom. You not talking to her is making it worse,\u201d Shannon said. \u201cWhat am I supposed to tell the boys if you\u2019re not here? They\u2019ll say, Aunt Ky\u2019s not here for Santa, and where am I supposed to tell them that you are? What do you tell kids about something like that?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle and Pearl share a bag of airplane pretzels and take turns feeding Iggy. One from Kyle, one from Pearl. Happy Iggy takes each bite like its own treat. Roy, watching over a magazine, smiles and says, \u201cPoor thing doesn\u2019t know they\u2019re just pretzels.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle feeds Iggy a big piece. \u201cI think it\u2019s nice.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl cocks her head at Kyle\u2019s brusque tone.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 They all watch Iggy lick the salt from Pearl\u2019s little palm. The dog\u2019s loved salty food since he was a puppy. The vet said he\u2019d grow out of it and he hasn\u2019t yet.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The plane bumps over a surprise air pocket and Pearl says, \u201cI bet my mom will pick me up from the airport in Boston.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 They\u2019re somewhere above Charleston\u2014the cartoon arc on the TV map says it\u2019s just over halfway. Roy turns his magazine page, and laughs, like Pearl was kidding, but Kyle rummages in the pretzel bag for a few more broken chips. She hands Pearl a piece carefully. \u201cWas there something that had you thinking she wouldn\u2019t?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cShe was supposed to visit over the summer,\u201d Pearl says. She holds her hand out for Iggy\u2019s tongue. \u201cWe did the bed on the couch all made up for her. The other sheets because that\u2019s her favorite, purple. And she never came and when we called her she said she had to take care of Mr. Petrezzi, but I know they were the days we planned because Daddy let me put the stickers on those days on my room calendar.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Roy picks a pretzel piece from up off the floor. He crumbles it absentmindedly into a dust that falls back down. He says, \u201cYour mom will come get you,\u201d and Pearl says \u201cOkay\u201d so easily convinced that Kyle hates to think what will happen if Roy\u2019s simple promise is wrong.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The guy Kyle really dated, Saul, said once toward the end that needing promises and being in love were opposite ideas, and Kyle asked him what promises he resented making. He told her she was proving his point.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl says, \u201cIggy\u2019s thirsty\u201d and holds out her empty soda cup. Kyle pours it full from what\u2019s left in her Nalgene and Pearl tilts the cup for Iggy like a baby bottle. Pearl tells Iggy, \u201cYou\u2019re a mammal.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle wonders how old Pearl\u2019s mom might be\u2014Kyle\u2019s same age? A Kyle-sized Pearl with Pearl\u2019s stringy hair? Imagine Pearl walking into baggage claim and there\u2019s no one there for her. Kyle hopes it would be true if she said to Pearl, Things shouldn\u2019t be this complicated for you already<\/em>. But what does she know?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle\u2019s dad\u2019s car waits for her in airport parking. He left it when he flew to Reno and mailed her a key. It will be after midnight by the time Kyle finds the car, and warms it up, and drives it out to the house. She\u2019ll park in her dad\u2019s old spot in the driveway, by the tree her mom once planted. <\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Everyone will be asleep inside, so Kyle will try to be quiet, keeping the lights off, guiding Iggy upstairs in the dark\u2014muscle memory\u2014and slipping into her old kid bed. Her parents have never changed her room much at all. Still the same ratty stuffies and pre-teen wall posters and striped sheets from high school. The headboard has a worn patch where she used to rub her thumb when she went to sleep nervous, and she\u2019ll try it, to see, but it won\u2019t work like it used to. Iggy will take up the foot space, and Kyle will feel big in a small bed.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In the morning, Christmas Eve, Kyle will get up first. Before even her sister\u2019s little boys. She\u2019ll put on a pot of coffee and wait in the kitchen for people to come down, elbows on the island counter, studying the water as it boils. The twins\u2019 rocket toys have been left out on the floor by the table, and a pot is soaking in the sink. She\u2019ll have expected them to make a bigger deal of her arrival, but maybe this is better. More real. Maybe it\u2019ll help that it almost feels like a regular day in the familiar house.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Over Baltimore, the pilot turns off the cabin lights. Roy pulls his camera out again. He scrolls Pearl through his bright pictures and talks to her about his Hanukkah plans, the gelt and video games he packed for his grandkids\u2019 presents. Pearl squints at the glare of the digital screen in the dark. Before she can ask about one image, Roy is on to the next.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He describes his daughter\u2019s farm in Sherborn where his family is gathering. \u201cIt\u2019s like the Cape without the water.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl asks, \u201cWhat\u2019s the Cape mean?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Roy smiles. He picks up his jacket and tosses it over his shoulders like a cape cape.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl touches the jacket fabric.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle says, \u201cShe\u2019s actually asking.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A man across the aisle falls asleep. His head tips back, and he starts to snore. Looking at him, Pearl points one finger at Roy\u2019s camera and another at the overhead compartment and asks, \u201cAm I allowed to get something out?\u201d It\u2019s clear by the way she receives her backpack from the attendant that the bag is light, and she extracts a single plastic folder. She lays the bag down on the floor and says to Iggy, \u201cA pillow.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle reaches for the seat light so Pearl can see.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl tilts the folder toward Kyle\u2019s seat.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The folder looks empty at first. Pearl pries back the pocket to reveal an assortment of photographs tucked below the flap. They\u2019re softened, worn, but clean. No fingerprints. Handled with great care. Like Kyle\u2019s mom with Kodaks after childhood trips\u2014By the edges!<\/em> Pearl searches for a specific photo, filing through them individually, and about ten prints in she stops and says, \u201cThis one!\u201d She positions it under the spotlight. An image of a man asleep on a couch, a woman behind him doing bunny ears. Pearl whispers, \u201cCody was sleeping!\u201d and holds the photo up toward the snoring man across the aisle, like, They look similar<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle says, \u201cCan I?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She accepts the folder as if it\u2019s fragile. The photos are glossy, on professional stock. She can\u2019t think when she last held a developed picture, and it\u2019s unsettling. Time-traveling, almost.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 There are school photos of friends, little rectangles with kid signatures on the back. The mismatched rectangle sizes and backdrop colors make what Pearl said about changing several schools feel real.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 There are a few candid group shots. One of Pearl at a bonfire in a whole group of children, the rest of them older. Middle or early high school, even. The most teenaged-looking girl with a plastic cup in her hands. One photo in a raggedy waterpark, a young woman dangling a laughing, bathing-suited Pearl off a deep-end diving board.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAt night in the summer,\u201d Pearl says. \u201cMe and Nina at the pool.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In the photos of Pearl by herself, she looks so eerily unattended. Alone in a field with a water gun, shot from across a busy street. Posing thumbs-up for a New Dawn \u201cAll Gave Some\u201d <\/em>plaque. Cutting her own hair with brown hedge shears. Kyle accidentally presses her thumb on the haircut picture and the oil of her fingerprint sticks to the picture gloss when she pulls it back, leaving a smudge.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle tells Pearl, \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Roy reaches for the waterpark picture. \u201cFun in the sun!\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 If Kyle could just shake him and say, You\u2019re blind! You\u2019re blind! Imagine Pearl packing all of these to bring with her, like show and tell. Mom, this is where I live. This is where I go to school. This is when they waved at me across a speeding boulevard<\/em>. But, at the same time, who looks better\u2014the mom-person who wasn\u2019t there when these were taken, or the one who was?<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle says, \u201cThank you for letting me see.\u201d She hooks a wary finger through Iggy\u2019s leather collar and tugs. It\u2019s not her business. If she disapproves, she can\u2019t tell of who. She has Pearl walk her through each photo one by one until the plane lands in Boston, and still she isn\u2019t sure she\u2019s done Pearl\u2019s unknowing vulnerability justice.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Christmas Eve morning, Shannon will come down first, and then her husband with the boys, and then Kyle\u2019s mom. Kyle will hug her mom because it would look weird not to. Her mom will smell the same, the Baby Soft perfume her dad\u2019s been gifting since forever. She\u2019ll still have her ring on.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Other than asking about the trip, Kyle\u2019s mom will mostly hang back, watching the twins wrestle with Iggy. Kyle will pour Shannon coffee and tell her, \u201cI did the roast half and half.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Shannon will say, \u201cTwo years ago we couldn\u2019t get you up before noon.\u201d She\u2019ll point to their mom in the corner, mouthing, Talk to her<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle\u2019s nephews say Houston like Ooston. \u201cWhat\u2019s far away as Ooston? Santa\u2019s far as Ooston?\u201d The T-shirts Kyle gave them last year still fit, so she must have guessed their size too big before, which is funny\u2014they seem like babies now, compared to the fresh idea of Pearl on the plane. Kyle will tell them they have to come visit Texas and see it\u2019s not so far, her brother-in-law looking at her like, We\u2019ve heard that before<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When the boys say, \u201cAunt Ky plays Duplos?\u201d and Kyle\u2019s about to say yes, Shannon will tell them, \u201cNot Aunt Ky, boys. Go easy on Aunt Ky. What did we say?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 There will be a lull in the late morning, the time Kyle and her dad would usually take one of their Christmas walks. Kyle will think about driving his car around the neighborhood instead, but then the idea seems cheesy. Like what she might have done if she was mad in high school. She\u2019ll go from room to room noting the persisting signs of him. She imagined the house scrubbed Dad-clean, cut and dry, but he\u2019s still in the pictures on the wall. His cereal\u2019s still in the pantry. Some of his coats are still in the closet, tucked toward the back.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Shannon will find Kyle in the Florida room, thumbing through an old Guitar World<\/em> of his, and she\u2019ll ask, \u201cWhere\u2019s Mom?\u201d accusingly, like Kyle\u2019s banished her mother somewhere.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle will say, \u201cI\u2019ll go look.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 They\u2019re the first ones to deboard, because of their row. Pearl leads Kyle and Iggy down the jetway, saying, \u201cYou get to meet her now!\u201d and Roy trails behind them, on the phone, unconcerned. The more Pearl skips and pulls her along, the more it convinces Kyle that even if Pearl\u2019s mom does show up, she\u2019ll be late or unexcited in a way that will complicate Pearl\u2019s familiarity with disappointment.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 They emerge from the passage and Pearl\u2019s mom is there, beside a TSA agent, shifting from one waiting foot to another. She\u2019s just different enough from what Kyle was picturing to be surprising. Despite her hard face, Kyle guesses the woman is a few years younger than her\u2014around Shannon\u2019s age. She has a lanyard around her neck that matches Pearl\u2019s. She has well drawn-on eyebrows that have smeared a bit throughout her day, and a shoulder-bag that saddles her skinny frame. Her clothes are black shoes and black jeans and a white dress shirt that bows open between the buttons, the kind of outfit that is probably a uniform and makes Kyle guilty in her leisurely plane clothes. Pearl\u2019s mom looks tired and nervous. She holds a pink milkshake, in a cup with an orange TSA sticker, like she went through special screening to get it past security.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl sees her and runs forward. They hug, a tight hug, and stay holding each other for several seconds. Pearl\u2019s mom says tenderly, \u201cYou\u2019re taller,\u201d and she wipes her cheek. She touches a finger to the knee rip in Pearl\u2019s jeans. She hands Pearl the strawberry drink.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl says, \u201cYou remembered.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Iggy pulls his leash and Kyle holds him back, embarrassed at the choke in her own throat. Roy strolls past waving a contented, told-you-so goodbye.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl calls Kyle over, saying, \u201cKyle\u2019s from my flight! And her dog!\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle inches forward, trying to keep a respectful distance. She snaps for Iggy to sit. She wraps her right hand around her left wrist to cover the fancy new watch, but then she\u2019s afraid Pearl\u2019s mom saw her do it. Pearl\u2019s mom frowns and puts a protective hand on Pearl\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle says, \u201cShe did great,\u201d and it sounds presumptuous out loud. \u201cI mean, the plane didn\u2019t scare her is all I meant.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl\u2019s mom says, \u201cThey assigned you to sit with her?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI think they just thought she\u2019d like my dog.\u201d Kyle coils Iggy\u2019s leash tight around her arm. \u201cAll she talked about was how excited she is for Boston. For your guys\u2019 Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pearl\u2019s mom says, \u201cI know.\u201d She hoists the heavy purse on her shoulder, ready to leave.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle stands there with them. She knows she should say goodbye, and she doesn\u2019t understand what she\u2019s waiting for.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle will find her mom in bed, on top of the sheets, curled away from the door. Kyle won\u2019t immediately step forward, but she also won\u2019t back away. She\u2019ll hold out her mug and say, \u201cDo you need coffee?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It will be clear her mom\u2019s been crying by the careening way she says Kyle\u2019s name.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Iggy, who follows Kyle in, will hop onto the end of the bed and sit, glancing between them. Kyle\u2019s mom won\u2019t shoo him off like she might have last year. Kyle will walk around to the other side of the mattress\u2014her dad\u2019s side\u2014and get in. Face to face.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle will scoot forward, reluctantly. Nervously. She\u2019ll budge one hand between her mom\u2019s head and the pillow, wrap it around her mom\u2019s back. She\u2019ll use her other hand to lift her mom\u2019s top arm and drape it across her own shoulders. They\u2019ll lie that way a few moments, each of them holding with one arm and being held with another.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIggy\u2019s on my feet,\u201d Kyle\u2019s mom will say. \u201cIt\u2019s warm.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cShe\u2019s good at that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 They\u2019ll both wait for the other to say something more. Downstairs, the boys yelling something and Shannon yelling back. The metronome clock on Kyle\u2019s mom\u2019s dresser ticking. The stiff pillowcase cotton crinkling under the weight of their two heads.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle\u2019s mom will say, \u201cI know you\u2019re mad at me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The clock clicks. Her mom does look pretty when she cries. Have men told her that? Kyle will wonder. How many? And who? And where? And when?<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m mad at me too,\u201d Kyle\u2019s mom will tell her. <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI can see that.\u201d <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 One of them squeezing the other one. Hard to tell which, their long, close limbs.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThe last time you climbed in bed with me,\u201d Kyle\u2019s mom will say, \u201cyou were small enough to tickle my shins with your socks.\u201d A shaky breath. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t feel like Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle will study her mom\u2019s sad, pretty face. Up this close, it\u2019s hard to tell the parts that have aged and the ones that haven\u2019t. Kyle will say, \u201cI miss him too.\u201d She\u2019ll wish her mom would say she\u2019s sorry. She\u2019ll want her to say it the two ways\u2014I apologize<\/em>, and also, I know you do sweetie. There, there<\/em>. Child and mother, mother and child. Both, at the same time.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kyle\u2019s mom asks, \u201cWill you let me talk to you about it?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 While they linger at the gate, Pearl\u2019s mom says, \u201c\u2014Well.\u201d And Kyle wishes she could apologize to this tired, unknown woman. For interrupting the moment. For having believed she might not come. But Kyle also wishes there was a way she could ask, What kind of mother are you? Half in the shameful, condescending way of still judging for the bits she does know, and half in the way of really wanting\u2014needing\u2014to understand about the give and take. The moving away, and the showing up. The strawberry milkshake remembered. The long road getting here. The full story.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 With her head crooked on her arm on the pillow, Kyle\u2019s neck will ache, but she won\u2019t move. She\u2019ll stay, hurt, listening, for longer than she would have thought she\u2019d be willing to.<\/p>\n \u2026She apologized, profusely. She called it weakness. Her humanity\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":6993,"template":"","categories":[9,48,49],"tags":[6,143,1836],"class_list":["post-6991","article","type-article","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-aquifer","category-fiction","category-literary-features","tag-aquifer-the-florida-review-online","tag-fiction","tag-katie-edkins-milligan"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
\n
\n
\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"