On the 14th floor of an unremarkable Chicago skyscraper, fourteen women and two men sat in small cubicles receiving phone calls from people searching for intimacy in a place free from shame. And it wasn\u2019t all people, if you want to be specific. It was men, mostly middle-aged men, mostly professional men, mostly white men, mostly meaning that from time to time, operators received calls from these men\u2019s sons.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Among the sixteen phone operators, a young woman sat three rows from the eastern wall in the second cubicle from the front desk. She, Sani\u00e9<\/span>, wore her chemically red hair in an uncombed shag, a black T-shirt on which a dead, cartoon fish floated to the top of its tank, and loose black jeans that fit no part of her body. With a landline tucked between her shoulder and her ear, she online shopped from her cell, looking for a new walker for her baba. To her unique credit, she could multitask without pause, as though of two minds.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOh daddy, yes, I\u2019d love to fuck you in space,\u201d she said to the caller, who allegedly used to be an astronaut. She said, \u201cI wanna see your cock float up toward me in zero gravity,\u201d and clicked through the screens toward her checkout.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She\u2019d already done the hard work of listening to the man\u2019s problems for twenty minutes. That\u2019s where the money was.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 <\/span>said what she said on the phone with complete abandon, knowing that were she to break character, laugh, or hesitate, the person on the other line would hang up. Ultimately, it also made it more interesting for her, the experimentation with an alternative embodiment. They\u2019d been on the phone for a little over ten minutes. If a customer hung up shortly after calling, it meant a lower average on her call time. A lower hourly rate for her. Currently, she averaged the third longest call time in the office, a fact she was not outwardly proud of though she occasionally imagined herself at the top of the list\u2014to improve her hourly wage.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 While she told the anonymous man on the phone the planets they\u2019d see, the aliens who might join in his fantasy, the meteors they\u2019d narrowly avoid while leaving the ship on autopilot, an intruder claiming to be a pizza delivery man (one can imagine how clever he thought his disguise) was attempting to get past the front desk as the guard, David, repeatedly told him, \u201cMan, you gotta have the name of whose pizza this is or you leave it with me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When David called up, the receptionist, Sandra, whose voice had squeaked in an off-brand Barbie imitation since the \u201970s, answered. She told him no one on the floor ordered a pizza from, and she hesitated, \u201cSteve Buscemi<\/span>\u2019s.<\/span>\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Unsuccessful in his attempt, the intruder left the building and took out a slice of the sausage pie while leaning on one of the modern columns out front. The pizza was good, though cold. It was from the place on his block in Roger\u2019s Park. He removed a strand of his oily black hair off the slice before taking a second bite.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In the meantime, Sani\u00e9 <\/span>took another twenty minutes with her caller, creating subplots based on Star Wars<\/i> that took them out of the original fantasy and into action. \u201cBaby, figure out a condom while I fight back these Laputians, don\u2019t stop touching yourself!\u201d At thirty-four minutes, she surpassed her call average. When she was done, she asked Sandra if there were calls waiting to be picked up.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNah, sweetie, we\u2019ve been in a lull for the last twenty minutes or so.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 At 6:00, bored husbands would be returning from their salaried jobs. Sani\u00e9 <\/span>could either leave to take calls from home or else hang out for another couple hours. She opted to leave. Coming into the office was mostly a way for her to get out of her parents\u2019 house. She said goodbyes to Sandra and then David at the downstairs desk.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 As she left the building, she saw a man leaned against a column eating a pizza from the box. Putting on her headphones, she let him know he had sauce on his chin. He looked at her as she walked away then ran up, tapping her shoulder. She jumped back, said, \u201cFuck.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The man\u2019s eyes lit. \u201cIt\u2019s you!\u201d He spoke with the intonation of a child. \u201cI didn\u2019t think I was going to find you!\u201d He was panting. The pizza box was abandoned by the column. \u201cI had the disguise and everything,\u201d he continued.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 <\/span>stopped, looked at his face. He looked Desi-ish. Someone whose family she grew up with, maybe. She asked him if she knew him, and he nodded vigorously, started talking about an encounter they\u2019d had last week that she had no recollection of. Something about a trampoline. The circus. This is when Sani\u00e9 <\/span>began to feel creeped out. Knowing how quickly she needed to deescalate the situation, she asked, \u201cWhy are you here? How do you know where I work?\u201d She moved slightly toward the building to make sure she and the man could be seen by the security cameras affixed to the columns.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cGirl, you told me last week,\u201d he grinned,\u00a0 speaking in an accent that didn\u2019t match his body but rather, likely, his friends\u2019 growing up, \u201cwhen we met.\u201d<\/p>\n Sani\u00e9 <\/span>was not pleased to be called girl<\/i> by this stranger, but she kept her gaze empty, confused.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The man hesitated. \u201cOr I think it was you. You got a twin? Pink hair? Sweet voice? Big ass?\u201d He talked with stiff straight hands that emphasized the parentheses of this hypothetical ass.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 <\/span>took two steps backward. \u201cNo twin.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Moments like this were not meant to happen in Sani\u00e9\u2019s world. The point of phone sex was distant intimacy. For both parties. A caller shared their kinks, their innermost fantasies. An operator made that fantasy come true. Caller came. Caller hung up. Operator got paid their hourly rate for the minutes they were on the phone. Maybe a caller became a regular client, but they never met their operators. If they met, see, then Sani\u00e9 <\/span>couldn\u2019t pretend that the man or woman on the other line had a fat cock or that she was an eighteen-year-old blonde. Today\u2019s conjured fantasy in which \u201cHorny Astronaut\u201d wrapped two navel oranges in a T-shirt in an effort to mimic playing with DD\u2019s in a zero-gravity chamber would\u2019ve been impossible.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The dude looked embarrassed. \u201cThis just doesn\u2019t make sense, you know?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 tried to let him down easy. Some version of her had made an impact, even if it was in this man\u2019s head, even if she had spent years working so that she would be distinguishable in most settings. \u201cOkay, sweetie, listen,\u201d she began, taking on her operator\u2019s voice, \u201cI appreciate you coming all this way to, uh, follow up with me on whatever date you think we had.\u201d He interrupted, but she wouldn\u2019t let him speak. Raised a finger. Changed tactics. \u201cMost women will find it creepy if a man goes to a her place of work when she isn\u2019t calling him back or anything, but I don\u2019t think you\u2019re a creep,\u201d quieting her voice, she said \u201cI\u2019m gonna go now. Be well, and stay away from the hard stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 But the small speech, which should have worked to throw him off guard, made him\u00a0 insistent. He faced her even as she turned away.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou told me to come here. You told me to do some role play, come to your office, and find you. And now,\u201d he hesitated, stepping back as he rethought his earlier assessment, \u201cyou\u2019re acting like,\u201d and his voice trailed off.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 finished his sentence, \u201cLike I don\u2019t know you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Something in his eyes was earnest, she would\u2019ve seen if she\u2019d looked closely. Equally as puzzled as she was. Knowing where she worked? Knowing her face? Instead, she found the clarity that suited her.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOh shit.\u201d She laughed. \u201cAndrea put you up to this, didn\u2019t she?\u201d Sanie laughed a coughing sort of laugh, \u201cFuck her, wow. Okay, honestly for a second you had me going. Whatta bitch.\u201d The puzzle solved, she began walking away. \u201cTell her she wins.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Just then Sani\u00e9\u2019s bus turned the corner. She waved at the man. \u201cDon\u2019t be too good at your job.\u201d Smiling big, she got to the stop. The pigeons perched on building balconies seemed to laugh with her as she boarded. The man did not follow, just stared after her.<\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n Sani\u00e9 forgot about the incident on the bus. She didn\u2019t bother texting Andrea about the prank because she knew Andrea had lost her phone three nights ago after some show at Lincoln Hall. She didn\u2019t think twice about why anyone would prank her or why the man wouldn\u2019t have some finish planned for the kind of nonexistent joke. She arrived home, where her mother, eternally stationed at the linoleum kitchen counter in her red flip flops and blue flannel robe, asked why she hadn\u2019t put away her dishes after breakfast.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIt was a long day, Mama,\u201d she said ignoring the question and not looking toward her mother\u2019s shaking head in the kitchen, not even a glance to the white roots growing into her coarse black hair. Sani\u00e9 <\/span>went to her room, like a teenager. Which is what her baba, eternally stationed in the living room in slippers and a green version of her mother\u2019s robe, yelled after her.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Her mother cooked dinner, but Sani\u00e9 <\/span>let her parents eat alone and told them she would clean up. When she heard them finishing, she went out to make sure each of them had their meds for the evening and cleaned up after their meal. She took a small bowl of pulao back to her room and ate in bed. She took two, mundane calls. She contemplated texting some friends to see if there was anything happening that night, but decided against it.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Her chest felt tense, as it did sometimes, like she\u2019d been holding something ahead of her too long waiting for someone to open a door. She ate her pulao and watched bad standup for an hour and a half\u2014nothing put her to bed quite like it. Afterward, she lay in the dark holding a violet dildo against her clit. She tried to empty her mind. Pushed the black of the room past waves of thought and breath until she came. Her sleep was dreamless, her ability to put a day into her subconscious untouched by the events of her afternoon.<\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n The next day, Sani\u00e9 decided to stay home from the office. It was an unreasonably cold April Wednesday, and the forecast called for hail. Sani\u00e9 had never left the Midwest, though she once took a cruise to the Caribbean with her cousins. That was some years ago. They\u2019d spent most of the vacation drinking artificially flavored daiquiris and telling stories about the ass-backward men her cousins dated, aspiring doctors and CEO\u2019s and, sometimes, lawyers with mommy complexes and drinking problems and fraternity brothers or whatever the fuck. She rarely dated brown men anymore. She rarely dated any men anymore. There wasn\u2019t much of a point. Why go out of one\u2019s way for a relationship doomed to fail. Doomed to end with her, still in her parents\u2019 home, still obligated.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Her parents, of course, asked her about these things, encouraged her to meet so-and-so\u2019s son who was studying at Northwestern. She took the conversations as cues for her to leave the house, her childhood bedroom. Cues she didn\u2019t take. She\u2019d move but she couldn\u2019t leave her life here\u2014not when her parents needed her to take care of the house, make sure the bills were paid on time, manage their insurance, make sure they didn\u2019t get scammed. She had a responsibility, she\u2019d decided sometime after she\u2019d had to move home from college.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She loved her family, though perhaps not in the conventional way. She didn\u2019t know if people actually could.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She took three calls that afternoon from the desk in her bedroom\u2014slow. Two dudes who wanted a conventionally submissive bimbo, the second of whom she persuaded to have her play a sex robot, just to shake things up and keep him on the line longer. Then one man who called weekly just to chat about his life, his job, the trip him and his family had just taken to Montauk. He was kind, if not boring. Sani\u00e9 listened and asked him questions and laughed at his bad jokes. She thought of telling him he could pay a therapist, but that may not be what therapists were for and she might have been more affordable than one.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It was funny when she thought about it, that she found this job in one of Baba\u2019s newspapers. She\u2019d been going through listings a year and a half ago after a particularly annoying day at the health food store. A kid had flushed half a sandwich down the toilet and clogged it, and Sani\u00e9 was the one to plunge it up\u2014it wasn\u2019t appetizing to see whole tomatoes and slices of turkey come up a pipe like that. The ad stated plainly: \u201cWANTED: VOICE ACTRESSES AND STORYTELLERS FOR TELEPHONE SALES.\u201d Well, Sani\u00e9 had always been told she had a nice voice and had a particular love for well-placed dupes, so she called. Her parents were proud when she told them she found a new job. They took her to her favorite Thai restaurant off Argyle just to celebrate. Mama told them the latest gossip circulating the catty group of aunties she visited with, and Baba, eyeing the bowl from across the table, asked Sani\u00e9 if he could taste her seafood soup. She remembered lifting her spoon to his eager mouth with a smile.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Between calls, she watched reality TV and shared an asynchronous lunch of aloo gosht with her parents. When she decided to be done for the day, she thought about going out and decided against it. Too much effort for an escape that never felt free.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 On Thursday, Sani\u00e9 went into the office around 2:30. She ran into Andrea<\/span>, who sat two cubicles down from her, in the elevator and was reminded of the man with the pizza. When she asked about it, Andrea<\/span> played it off, chuckling slightly. Had Sani\u00e9 wanted to see it, she\u2019d have noticed that the lack of knowledge felt genuine. Andrea turned to her, the blue braided into her hair catching in the light. She asked if Sani\u00e9 had met the person who\u2019d started the day before.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 had not. There was a new person in the office every couple months or so. Low retention or whatever. And it made sense. The way that the operation worked. Management, tucked away in corner offices that never seemed occupied, took a significant cut of what people paid. Even if your hourly rate was as high as Sani\u00e9\u2019s, it wasn\u2019t enough to survive on. She still took a Sunday shift at the health food store when calls were light during the week.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 and Andrea<\/span> were greeted by Sandra at the front, and then each woman headed to her desk. But when Sani\u00e9 turned the corner toward her cubicle, someone was in her chair. She tapped her shoulder. Said, \u201cHey sorry, this is my seat.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The woman turned around in her chair slowly, with a soft, \u201cOh,\u201d and Sani\u00e9 blinked to be sure of her eyes. \u201cMy bad. I\u2019m new and didn\u2019t realize this desk was taken.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She waved her hand, smiling a remorseful smile, pointing to the emptiness of the desk. Sani\u00e9 saw that it did not look like she\u2019d ever occupied it. The woman continued. \u201cDo you mind if I sit here for the day? I\u2019ll clear it out in a couple of hours. Promise.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She smiled at Sani\u00e9 with all her teeth, revealing dimples Sani\u00e9 remembered she once had. Her hands were pressed into one another like a prayer. Her voice sounded like pie or a velour sweatsuit.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 acquiesced, walked away. She found a desk in the fourth row from the wall that was unoccupied. She sat down, placed her bag on the desk in front of her. She still wore her coat. At her desk, at her real desk\u2014it was her. Or, the person that looked like her was at her desk. Or, at her desk there was a mirror and none of her movements were matching up and it was good, really good, that she had walked away from her.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Her, but pink haired. Her, but soft-spoken. Her, but smiling, non-sarcastic, accommodating, fat-assed (unconfirmed, but yes). Her, but not her. Sani\u00e9 <\/span>sat for a moment. She thought she ought to say something but couldn\u2019t think of anything to say. She went to the front desk, greeted Sandra and her blond pouf halfheartedly.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cSandra,\u201d she said, \u201cthe new girl?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sandra smiled. \u201cSo sweet, right!\u201d It was not a question. Sani\u00e9 agreed, met Sandra\u2019s friendly, searching eyes.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cShe,\u201d Sani\u00e9 began.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cSani\u00e9,\u201d Sandra interjected.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNo, that\u2019s her name. Sani\u00e9.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sandra gave Sani\u00e9 a confused stare, \u201cIs it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cMaybe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sandra pointed out that there were multiple Rachel\u2019s in the office, and this was true, but the equivalency felt like a stretch.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cMaybe not,\u201d Sani\u00e9 said anyway. \u201cWill she get my calls if she\u2019s at my desk?\u201d she asked, finding a reason to be where she was.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sandra frowned, unimpressed by any sense of competition in the room\u2014this was a friendly workplace. She told Sani\u00e9 the calls don\u2019t belong to anyone, that they were a community.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 saw the upset in front of her, tried to negotiate. \u201cYeah of course. I was just thinking I have regular clients who contact me. How will they\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sandra interrupted. \u201cDon\u2019t get short with me, please. I\u2019m just working the desk. Your regulars, if they ask for you, will be transferred to you. Until then, we distribute calls evenly between the desks. Now if you don\u2019t mind.\u201d Sandra\u2019s hands gestured to the desk around her, and Sani\u00e9 was reminded of the other woman\u2019s similar gesture.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAlright,\u201d Sani\u00e9 said, beginning to step away, not wanting to ask how Sandra would know the difference between the two Sani\u00e9\u2019s. She thanked Sandra and walked to her new desk. On her way, she passed the other Sani\u00e9 sitting at her desk, laughing with Andrea<\/span> two desks down. When they met eyes, the other Sani\u00e9 smiled and gave her a wave over.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 obliged. Her discomfort was palpable, but the other Sani\u00e9 seemed not to notice.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHi hi! Andrea<\/span> was just telling me that everyone is getting drinks tonight, are you coming?\u201d This other Sani\u00e9 had an eagerness to her. She smiled bright and kept her posture upright.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Andrea<\/span> gave the other Sani\u00e9 a warning look, while Sani\u00e9 looked at Andrea<\/span> in surprise. \u201cOh, really? I didn\u2019t realize. I must not have gotten the text.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWoah, why not?\u201d she exclaimed. \u201cYou should totally come. I\u2019m new to the city and would love to hang out with you.\u201d She had the countenance of a cheerleader. Sani\u00e9 hated to see it on her own face.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNew to the city, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n A phone started ringing one desk over, and the other Sani\u00e9 gasped. \u201cThat\u2019s me! Sorry, guys!\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cSorry about that,\u201d Andrea said as the other Sani\u00e9 left, \u201cMy phone\u2019s been weird, you know.\u201d Then, \u201cDon\u2019t you have calls or something?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 understood she was dismissed. She overheard the other Sani\u00e9\u2019s call, her giggling voice. Artless, really. No creativity to the storyline, just \u201cWhat else do you want me to do, Daddy?\u201d They\u2019d see how the call averages came out.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Back at her desk, the phone was silent. Sani\u00e9 sat only a moment before going back to the elevator.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll be right back, Sandra.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She entered the elevator, went to the lobby, and at the front desk, said to David, \u201cI had someone try to deliver a pizza to me yesterday, but gave the wrong directions. Do you have the number they signed in with so I can give them a call?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cSure, mija,\u201d David said, handing her a binder beneath the desk. The old man liked Sani\u00e9, who brought him coffee every Monday from the spot by the train.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Retrieving the number, Sani\u00e9 thanked David and went outside to make a call.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHey, creep,\u201d said Sani\u00e9 when the phone picked up. Of course, he recognized her voice. Began a hopeful greeting before Sani\u00e9 interrupted. \u201cListen, where did you say you met me? The other night?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The voice on the other line attempted alertness though it seemed to barely flash through the haze of what Sani\u00e9 imagined was a midday high. \u201cYeah totally,\u201d he said, \u201cif you want to meet again just say the word, we don\u2019t even have to go back there.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 rolled her eyes, impatient. \u201cNo, it was not me,\u201d she reminded him. \u201cWhere did you meet the other person?\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 hung up. Realizing this man had no information for her. She returned upstairs, and when the doors opened on the 14th floor, the other Sani\u00e9 was waiting.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOh hey, look at that! Long time no see.\u201d The pink-haired, tooth-smiling woman had Sani\u00e9\u2019s face, stood at her height, and yet it was clear that the woman vibrated on a very different frequency. \u201cThanks for letting me use your desk today. I felt super welcomed. The job was kind of easy! Men really just want one thing, huh?\u201d The grin never left her face.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAre you leaving? Didn\u2019t the day just start?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The other Sani\u00e9 nodded enthusiastically. \u201cI just have so many things to do today, getting settled and all. You know how it is.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 knew she had a distinct desire to cut through whatever tub of frosting had landed on her life in the form of this woman. She grabbed her unsuspecting doppelganger by the elbow and steered her to an empty corner.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhatever joke you\u2019re playing has gone too far, okay. Tell me what the hell you\u2019re doing here.\u201d Sani\u00e9 had spent years cultivating a persona to intimidate. As a teenager, she practiced snarling in the mirror. She pierced her own ears to prove that she didn\u2019t mind pain. She was out of practice now\u2013she called herself old and tired\u2013but the instinct was there.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The other Sani\u00e9\u2019s smile left as the questions tripped forward. \u201cI don\u2019t know what you mean, I\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhy are you here?\u201d Sani\u00e9 interrupted, and the other woman looked genuinely surprised at the tone, as though she didn\u2019t see the mirror she was looking into.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHonestly, I just needed a job. I figured since you were so successful here, you know, maybe I could just work until I landed on my feet.\u201d The smile slowly returned, lifting the corners of the woman\u2019s concerned eyes toward her dark eyebrows. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI think your phone is ringing,\u201d said the other woman, suddenly looking brighter-eyed and somehow, distinct. \u201cGood timing, too! I have a lunch date.\u201d She waved a pert goodbye and walked to the elevator. Sani\u00e9, dazed, hurried to her desk.<\/p>\n \u201cHello,\u201d she answered, her voice demurring into a purr. All of her instinctive selves making their appearances as they needed to.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The voice on the other line was panting, and she realized she needed to cool him down for the call to last more than five minutes. She asked him logistical questions about what he wanted, who he wanted her to be. He wanted her to treat him like a baby, and so she asked about his diaper, offered to put a lolly in his butt, soothed him when he threw a tantrum. She told him to spend time with blocks and describe what he was building. It bought time. As an only child, Sani\u00e9 never had younger siblings to care for, but she babysat for her parents\u2019 friends in high school. At least she knew how to play at childcare.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When he started on a long tantrum, which seemed to revolve mainly on the injustice of the world treating him as an adult, Sani\u00e9 remembered the conversation she\u2019d been called from. The man spoke and she googled doppelg\u00e4ngers. She found a list of TV tropes: evil twins, selves from parallel universes, androids, illegally developed clones, impersonators. These were her options for what was happening. The man would notice if Sani\u00e9 went too deep into these, so she returned to the call, trying not to think about the possibility that pink-haired Sani\u00e9 could be trying to kill her and take over her life.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The man hung up abruptly after coming in his diaper twenty minutes later. Solid time, she noted.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 sat at her desk, the low hum of dirty talk around her, wondering at the appearance of this doppelg\u00e4nger who less than an hour ago sat in this seat. She left the thoughts unresolved. She entered the self she needed to get her work done.<\/p>\n In the afternoon, her mother texted her asking her to pick up parsley and mozzarella for a baked ziti her baba particularly loved. Ten minutes passed and still no calls. It wasn\u2019t surprising. It was only 4:30, and a weekday. The good thing about this office was that she could act as though she had a day job. Her parents thought she was in sales and were happier for it. She packed up her things and headed home, wordlessly waving goodbye to Sandra and David on her way out. She averted her eyes from everything pink, keeping her eyes to the ground on the commute.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When she walked in she smelled the familiarity of pre-shredded cheese bubbling over tomato sauce in the oven, the sound of Baba\u2019s TV humming. She often resented coming home to this apartment. Hated the furniture they\u2019d had since she was a child. The old white wallpaper laying a border of ivy near the ceiling. But in that moment, it was comforting to be at home. She went in and sat down next to him, the pleather squelching beneath her.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhere\u2019s Mama?\u201d It was a demand more than a question. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWalaikum as-Salaam. Where\u2019s Mama?\u201d she repeated.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI think next door. Miss Pettis offered her a loaf of that banana bread.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou have a good day, janum?\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He hummed. His eyes stayed on the TV. Sani\u00e9 let hers glaze over as a bald, white man onscreen showed them how to spatchcock a chicken.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Mama came in a few minutes later, walking straight up to the armchair, and grabbed the remote out of her husband\u2019s hands, turning off the TV.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 laid the table, as Mama tossed a salad. When Miss Pettis knocked at the door, Baba, with his walker, opened it for her with a smile. Miss Deniece Pettis, now an old lady, but once a spry babysitter, a lender of books, a keeper of calm in more tumultuous years of this household simply by the nature of her internal calm, diffused the tension Sani\u00e9 had been feeling at her neck since seeing whoever that pink-haired person was at her desk.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHey sweetie,\u201d said Miss Pettis, gliding up to give the twenty-two year old a swift kiss on the cheek. \u201cYou ain\u2019t never stop by these days, where\u2019ve you been?\u201d Miss Pettis\u2019s family came from Mobile to Chicago when she was thirteen. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHow\u2019s work, Sani\u00e9?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOh, you know. It is what it is.\u201d Sani\u00e9 took a large spoonful of pasta and cheese to her mouth, hoping it could end there.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t even remember what you do,\u201d Miss Pettis said, searching. <p <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou said sales?\u201d<\/p>\n Sani\u00e9 hummed her affirmation.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIgnore her, Deniece. She doesn\u2019t like to share details,\u201d Mama said.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s not right. Who can you talk to if not your family?\u201d said the other woman.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Anyone else, Sani\u00e9 thought. And then realized she hadn\u2019t been talking to anyone at all. \u201cWell, a really weird thing happened today,\u201d she said, surprising herself.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cDid it now,\u201d said Miss Pettis.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cA girl started working with us. She looks just like me. She sat at my desk.\u201d Sani\u00e9 looked around, expectations low for any meaningful response.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cInteresting timing,\u201d said Miss Pettis, looking toward Mama with a glint in her eye. \u201cKhuya, doesn\u2019t that sound just like those qareen you were telling me about just now?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Mama chuckled into her napkin, \u201cCould be. You\u2019re more superstitious than me now, aren\u2019t you?\u201d Mama was smiling at her friend.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 looked confused. \u201cQareen?\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Her mama waved off the concern with two swishes of her hand. \u201cYou never listen Sani\u00e9 or you\u2019d know. I\u2019m sure I\u2019ve told you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sure you\u2019ve not,\u201d Sani\u00e9 interjected.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cTell her, Khuya,\u201d Miss Pettis said as Baba laughed into his napkin.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cDjinn, like genies?\u201d Sani\u00e9 asked.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Baba laughed harder. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cUff Allah, Sani\u00e9, so dramatic,\u201d Mama said. She told the room to quiet and it did. She sipped her water. \u201cDjinn are beings made from fire that has no smoke,\u201d she began. \u201cThey can be good or bad. You would\u2019ve known if you hadn\u2019t skipped your Quran lessons.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOkay, and they\u2019re also human?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNahin, of course not,\u201d said Baba.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWell now, Ahmed. Your wife was just telling me something different. What about your mother-in-law?\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Mama clarified. \u201cYes, well Amma says that her grandmother was visited by her djinn. It looked just like her. A qareen, there to take over her life, is what she said.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWell what happened? What\u2019d she do?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Her mother looked at her a moment, then grabbed the knife on the placemat. She pointed it straight toward Sani\u00e9. \u201cStabbed it in the heart.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Baba made a gesture with his hands as if a ghost entered the room, before laughing. Ever the realist. \u201cIf you believe any of these things, of course.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cEh, I\u2019m sure she met some long-lost twin or some whatnot and this was a good story to tell the children\u201d he replied.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI believe it,\u201d said Miss Pettis. \u201cWe don\u2019t know about the spirits that follow us. A soul is a powerful thing. Who\u2019s to say one of the spirits we carry with us couldn\u2019t become real? That we don\u2019t have to kill off some of our demons every once in awhile?\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In bed that night, Sani\u00e9 tried to watch TV but was too distracted. She googled qareen, found an obscure forum in Urdu where people were reportedly sharing stories of their hauntings.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cRidiculous,\u201d she told herself. But as she fell asleep, the vision of the other Sani\u00e9 bloomed pink at the forefront of her mind.<\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n Sani\u00e9 had not remembered her dreams in years, though sometimes she wished she would wake up screaming if only to be heard. Instead, she woke up soundlessly, first with the finches nested outside her window, then second a few hours later as the sound of the morning news filtered through the space beneath her door. Her eyes still felt heavy, but she needed to be. She debated whether it was a need.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Returning to her bed, her feet now cold, she had made up her mind not to go into work today, instead determining by some strange reasoning that she\u2019d find a landmark on the train. Not an escape, but an adventure. And why not?<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Running her hands along the map, she found her way to green, then to the conservatory at Garfield Park. When she told her mother where she was going, she was given a confused stare. \u201cReally? For what?\u201d to which Sani\u00e9 snapped, \u201cAm I not allowed to go anywhere besides here and work?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 No one saw the room blacken with her frustration, but they felt it. Her mother said nothing, the wrinkles at her throat reaching toward her chin. She sighed deeply, letting go of her hold on her daughter\u2019s gaze. \u201cDo what you want, Sani\u00e9. I\u2019m not trying to fight you today.\u201d She turned away, putting a piece of toast in the toaster.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 she walked past her mother, not seeing her, the bag on her shoulder bumping loudly against a dining table chair too close to the door.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The L would take an hour to get there, she discovered. The last time she\u2019d gone there was in high school, and she thought that they must have driven. She put on her headphones, stark white against her red hair. She put her library on shuffle, listening to mostly house shit, remnants from the times she spent pregaming for nights out. Taking out a small bottle of nail polish from her bag, she coated her nails in a chameleon sort of green. When the train arrived at the Garfield Park stop, she jumped out, leaving her headphones on as she entered the conservatory.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She liked the way the air felt\u2014warm and humid, sinking into her skin. She took off her coat, draping it over her forearm as she walked past the tall banana trees toward the fern room. Inside, she heard running water, everything was green, the air heavy enough to taste. She stopped for a moment. She wondered if her parents had ever come here together. If they ever went as a family. Something there felt familiar, but memories had a way of collapsing. Maybe they\u2019d been here, or maybe she was just recalling a one-time trip to Florida. Regardless, she felt herself unsure of how to move. Whether to go fast as though she were just on a walk or slow like there was something to see. The trees called her to pause before each fern, but the fear of seeming odd tugged her forward like a child on a parent\u2019s shirttail. Around her, people in groups chatted as they walked, stopping by the edge of the pond in the center of the room. She would stay but she didn\u2019t know how to stand still. She left the room and found a bench.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Her phone was in her hands, which were in her lap, folded. Her shoulders were hunched, and then she straightened them. She thought about posting a photo of the flowers in front of her then changed her mind. She got up, began walking again, found herself in a room full of tropical fruit trees. The placard in front of her told her this was a sour cherry tree. Accordingly there were bright red patches of small red berries in front of her. No one else was in the room. She plucked one off the tree, putting it in her mouth. She gagged, the taste chemical on her tongue.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI think all of these trees are really heavily coated in pesticides,\u201d a voice said behind her. She turned and nearly jumped when she saw the head of pink hair. She spat the mashed red fruit out onto the concrete path.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhat the fuck!\u201d she exclaimed, the taste of the chemicals migrating to the back of her throat. \u201cAre you following me?\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cA place like this,\u201d Sani\u00e9 repeated.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou know, somewhere peaceful and quiet. There are so many beautiful things here.\u201d The look on her counterparts face was kind\u2014genuinely so, as though she were truly curious about the happenstance of running into her new coworker. Sani\u00e9 paused. Her coat was growing hot on her arm, so she shifted it to the other one.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYour name is Sani\u00e9,\u201d she said after the moment.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cSo is yours,\u201d laughed the woman with the pink hair. Sani\u00e9 watched as her eyes, more awake on the other woman\u2019s face, drifted overhead to the canopy shading them. \u201cDo you want to walk around?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She didn\u2019t know why she said yes, but she nodded. They found their way to a room full of cacti. The air was warm, dry. The cacti sat patient as cats in the sun.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWow, look at how gorgeous,\u201d said the other Sani\u00e9, pointing to a small succulent in bloom. \u201cLook at how it matches my hair!\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 did not laugh, but she did see the comparison. The other woman\u2019s smile reached her eyes, and Sani\u00e9 tried to see if she could do the same, seeking some kind of joy somewhere to channel. She couldn\u2019t. She felt restless, paused there only a few feet into the long room.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHow long have you been in Chicago?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The woman\u2019s response was nonchalant, pleasantly distracted. \u201cOh, as long as I can remember.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWell, were you born here?\u201d Sani\u00e9 was determined to know the specifics.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She received a smile in return. \u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 They walked in silence, every so often pausing as pink hair swooshed down toward broad leaves to excitedly examine the perfect holes cut into giant monstera or particularly lovely flowers blooming from the fruit trees.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cDo you ever wish you were a flower?\u201d asked the other Sani\u00e9.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThe fuck kind of question is that?\u201d Sani\u00e9 asked, her eyes tense on the soil beds beside the path.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The other woman smiled kindly. \u201cJust trying to get to know you. Some people wish they could live different lives, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 laughed, really a scoff. \u201cNot me.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She hesitated, her eyes looking toward a couple holding hands on a bench taking a selfie together. \u201cI mean, sometimes, I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNot a flower though?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 felt discomfort scratch between her shoulders. \u201cIs that what you\u2019d want to be?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cMaybe. It seems peaceful. Bloom for a short while, give joy to the passersby. By November, you lay back down in the soil and get eaten by worms.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A laugh again, now genuine but surprised at that fact. \u201cThat\u2019s an ideal?\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The two of them walked past the couple on the bench. \u201cMaybe for some people.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNot for you?\u201d The other Sani\u00e9 turned to face her, eyes questioning. She was wearing a long sleeve white shirt tucked into a gray skirt that floated beneath her knees. She looked beautiful. Sani\u00e9 wore all black. She saw how messily her nails had been painted. She spoke quietly.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s not like my life has been perfect.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cSo who\u2019s would you have? What would be better?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI mean, it would be cool to be rich. Not famous or anything, but like enough money to go on vacations and get manicures and shit.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s it?\u201d the other woman asked.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 was surprised at the response. \u201cWhat else?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cLove? Purpose? Fulfillment?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m happy without them,\u201d Sani\u00e9 said looking at the ground and smirking.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t sound happy,\u201d the other woman replied, something approximating kindness in her eyes.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 thought at this. Was she? Happy? Sometimes, not always, but who was this woman to tell her anything about that. \u201cYou sound like a bitch.\u201d She rose. She started walking away.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAw, wait,\u201d said the other woman, jogging to catch up. \u201cWait, stop.\u201d She put her hand on Sani\u00e9\u2019s shoulder and from nowhere, Sani\u00e9 felt her face get hot, her throat seize up. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, I was too blunt.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t you have somewhere else to be?\u201d Sani\u00e9 would not make eye contact.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI think I\u2019ll leave for the office soon. Do you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 didn\u2019t answer.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou know, Sani\u00e9, I wonder why you stay here at all,\u201d said the pink-haired woman, solemn for the first time in their conversation.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI like the way the air feels,\u201d she murmured.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The other woman continued as though she hadn\u2019t heard her. \u201cNo one asks you to, everyone would be fine without you. Maybe you could be happy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When Sani\u00e9 raised her gaze, the other Sani\u00e9\u2019s pink lips were still smiling. \u201cI should go now,\u201d she said. \u201cOne of us has to work, right?\u201d She stood to walk away.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Suddenly aware of the heaviness of the air, Sani\u00e9 found words, \u201cHey, have you been sleeping around? People think I\u2019m you, and it\u2019s not cool.\u201d She tried to be angry.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The other Sani\u00e9\u2019s mouth stretched cartoonishly, its edges pulling towards her jaw. \u201cOh no! What a mess,\u201d she called back, turning on her heels and continuing to walk away. \u201cI\u2019ll try to let them know we are not the same.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 stood near the entrance for a moment, watching as the other woman turned toward the train station. She put her coat back on slowly, barely noticing the drop in temperature as she left the greenhouse for the lobby, the dryness of the air. She waited for her bus, then boarded it, looking out the window the entire ride.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It was rare to be asked why one stays in the life they are handed, perhaps even more rare to recognize that one even has a choice. Imagine Sani\u00e9\u2014twenty-three, having barely left the house, her only conception of herself what others have told her or seen in her. And of course, she could claim that she knew herself. She could point to the music she liked to listen to, the kind of lover that attracted her, the taste she had in clothes. What would be more difficult would be trying to answer what the lyrics of her favorite grunge songs said about the thoughts she was drawn to, or what exactly attracted her to the lank men, half-okay men, half-bad men, half-men who disappear after a few nights of rough, impersonal sex, harder to say what was covered when she bleached the roots of her hair. One might say that Sani\u00e9 had only ever sought to know herself by constructing how others could see her, by shading over the parts of herself she did not want to know.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When she arrived home, her key slid noiselessly into the door, which cracked open equally silently. This had always been of benefit to Sani\u00e9, who needed the aid sneaking out for many years of her life. As the door opened, she heard her name, her parents\u2019 voices coming from the living room.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHow would I know where she\u2019s gone, Yasser? She talks to me as infrequently as she does you.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re her mother, Khuya. How can you not find a way to relate?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 heard her mother\u2019s voice rise, then soften. \u201cI\u2019ve tried! Allah knows I\u2019ve tried.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 They were silent for a moment. Sani\u00e9 still. \u201cI know, janum. I\u2019m sorry. We\u2019ve both tried as we could. How she can disappear and ignore and yell like we never gave her anything, all of it is beyond me.\u201d Sani\u00e9 felt black behind her eyes, heard the hum of the TV murmuring beneath the voices.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Her mother said it in a whisper, in Urdu, a mother-tongue Sani\u00e9 always recognized and turned away from until one day her tongue couldn\u2019t form it. Do you think we\u2019ve failed? <\/i>The question felt like an admission that felt like it should never have been said.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A choking, the sense that the air was thickening. No tears, never tears. Silently, Sani\u00e9 moved away from the door, pulling it closed with the smallest of clicks. She walked down the stairs of the old building toward the front entrance, her head moving in on itself.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Her parents never knew how to raise her\u2014an American-born teenager with black nails and a cursing mouth, a rupture in what they expected of a girl. It was their misfortune to have only created one opportunity for the child they dreamed. When she failed out of school, they didn\u2019t understand what happened. They opened the letter that came to the house saying she was on academic probation, and Baba yelled at her for not valuing the opportunities she\u2019d been given. Mama fumed in the corner, wondering how her little gap-toothed girl who\u2019d wanted nothing more than to be a veterinarian became a young woman with a series of shit boyfriends she\u2019d hide from her parents and no sense of who she wanted to be.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She didn\u2019t know where she was going but found her way to the office.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t have my badge, David.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNo worries, mija. Go on up,\u201d he nodded, then, calling after her. \u201cYou okay?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She rode the elevator up, picking at the clumping nail polish at her cuticles. When she arrived she nodded to Sandra, went to her desk. It was empty. So empty she understood how another person could occupy it with no one saying a thing. No Sani\u00e9 anywhere, not a pink strand in sight. She sat. Ten minutes passed and no one spoke to her. She received a call. Simple. A man who wanted to be called Daddy, who wanted to be told how she wanted to be fucked. But as she prepared to take on the character, her voice was empty, as though the person she\u2019d been on every call before this had found a door out of her mind and exited, soundless. The call ended after six minutes. Six. She imagined a visible ticking down of her call average.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 got up from her desk and went to the bathroom. She sat in the stall, pants still on, moving as though this were the moment she\u2019d break. She heard the sink begin to run, sat still for a moment, then flushed the toilet. Walking out, she saw the familiar cascade of pink down the woman\u2019s back. She approached the sink next to her, looking into her face doubled in the mirror. The other Sani\u00e9 smiled.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHey there.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI know you\u2019re a djinn,\u201d said Sani\u00e9.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOh?\u201d the other woman turned off the tap and walked toward the roll of paper towels near the door. She began wiping her hands.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYes. I am not afraid to do what needs to be done.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHm.\u201d The other Sani\u00e9 laughed. \u201cThat must be new for you.\u201d All hints of her innocence dissipated like sugar into tea. She finished wiping her hands. \u201cI suppose the question remains of what needs to be done, then.\u201d She smiled and left the bathroom.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 looked at her face in the mirror. She saw the beginning of a long crease making its way across her forehead, saw her mother\u2019s long straight nose bisecting her face, the black-lined eyes so brown they could be black. She left the bathroom too, returning to her desk. When she looked around, the other woman seemed to have left. Sani\u00e9 knew it was time to return home. To prepare. Her life could not be dismantled this easily.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The apartment felt unfamiliar when she walked in. Her parents sat silently in front of the TV, as though they had been there since the conversation she\u2019d overheard. She took off her boots by the entrance and walked into the room. \u201cAs-salaam-u-alaikum.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 They both looked up, wished peace upon her as well. They looked old to her in that moment, though they were both just over fifty. Their eyes were tired, bagged down toward their chins. Even their robes were somehow more faded than before. Mama\u2019s back started to show signs of a permanent bend, a leaning over toward kitchen countertops and her husband\u2019s chairs and the ground in prayers. Sani\u00e9 never saw her pray.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll be in my room. Let me know when dinner is on the table,\u201d she said in a voice not quite her own. She went to her room. She set down the bag she\u2019d packed in the morning, sat fully clothed on her bed. Sani\u00e9 imagined if not-her walked in. She imagined her double bringing joy to the darkly lit, near windowless space. Imagined her learning Mama\u2019s recipes for ras gullahs and pyaaz gosht, watching the History channel with Baba, sharing his love for the documentaries on the Elizabethan era. If the other Sani\u00e9 was a shadow of herself, could she not too do those things? It felt too late. Too much had happened. That part of herself existed outside of her, beyond her choices by now, surely.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 remembered the question posed to her at the conservatory. \u201cWhy do you stay here at all?\u201d She thought she\u2019d known. Remembered feeling that she was needed. But in what universe was someone who made their parent\u2019s feel they had failed needed in their home. She thought she\u2019d done it for them\u2014her one redeeming feature. And yet, she\u2019d always known they\u2019d rather her build a life apart from theirs, better than theirs. Could she still do that, she wondered?<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That night, they ate a silent dinner together. Sani\u00e9\u2019s mother began to ask her why she painted her nails such an awful color, but Sani\u00e9 looked at her with a silencing glare. She immediately felt guilty. After ten minutes, Sani\u00e9 offered to do the dishes.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNahin, bete. I\u2019ll do them. I have a particular way,\u201d Mama replied, her voice tired.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou could show me,\u201d she offered, trying. \u201cIt\u2019s not fair to do it alone.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m happy to, janum.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It was the end of the conversation. Her mother gathered the plates and rose. Sani\u00e9 sat with Baba at the table silent for a moment before rising herself.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m going out,\u201d she said, as though to herself.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhere?\u201d asked Baba from the table.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 ignored the question. Went to her room and packed her bags. On her way out, she went through the kitchen. Put her hand on Mama\u2019s back. Mama looked around a moment but did not say anything, turning back to the dishes she was loading in the dishwasher. She grabbed a knife from the wooden holder, placing it in her bag. She would change. Of course she could change.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Leaving the building, she did not know where she was going. Her body told her it did not matter. The sun had set, the air was cool. She zipped up her coat. Walked to the train and took it south, finding herself at a dive bar in Lincoln Park near the lake. She went in, sat down at the counter, and waited.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It took fifteen minutes for her double to come and sit next to her. The other woman squeezed her forearm as she sat, giving her a smile, before raising the arm to wave over the bartender.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou didn\u2019t get a drink yet?\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When the bartender came over, the other Sani\u00e9 asked for a menu. He obliged, smiling at her and walking away.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI know what you are,\u201d Sani\u00e9 said to her double when he was at a distance.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou already said that, silly.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou need to leave.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAw, Sani\u00e9\u2014\u201d she began to say.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m serious. I don\u2019t want to have to kill you.\u201d Sani\u00e9 had decided she could. She imagined the weight of the knife in her bag.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cStab me in the heart?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIf that\u2019s what it takes.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A pause. \u201cI never called you,\u201d Sani\u00e9 said. \u201cYou show up wherever I am, I never ask anything of you, but you\u2019re out here sleeping with random fuckboys like my body is just yours, my memories just yours.\u201d There had been no preparation for this apparition, no incline before the drop of the cliff.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cDidn\u2019t you, though? Didn\u2019t you want another version of yourself? One to talk on the phone for you when you wanted to be somewhere else? One to talk to your parents when being in the apartment made you feel spaceless?\u201d A cocktail menu arrived, and the double glanced at it. All the drinks were named after the zodiac.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A memory. Sani\u00e9, drunk after work at a happy hour. Asking Andrea<\/span> if she ever wished someone else could come and live the boring parts of life for her. \u201cLike a stunt double?\u201d her coworker asked.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYes exactly.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cSure, and you get to have sex and eat brunch and watch TV. Sounds like a dream.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A dream.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThe Gemini please,\u201d the other Sani\u00e9 said to the bartender, flipping her hair. \u201cI love rum,\u201d she said to Sani\u00e9. \u201cAnyways, you did didn\u2019t you? Want another version of yourself?\u201d It seemed as if the woman\u2019s body had come into greater focus, her eyes brighter, her presence enlarged. \u201cI only came to give you the option. Go sink into whatever you want to sink into.\u201d She smiled, the smile flashing like a knife. A knife in her bag. Her mind too scattered to think to grab it.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9\u2019s voice was weak. \u201cI don\u2019t want anything else.\u201d The cocktail arrived, a pale orange garnished with a sprig of mint. Sani\u00e9 took a sip.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cMaybe that\u2019s the issue, hm? You don\u2019t seem to want anything. That would confuse anyone. You haven\u2019t wanted anything since,\u201d a pause, a raised eyebrow, \u201cwell, since that situation with Uncle Umar in high school. But there are so many things I want! Wouldn\u2019t it just be better if I took over?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 sat horrified for a moment, then said, \u201cAnd I would, what? Just walk away?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cMaybe you\u2019d actually start your life. Do what you said you\u2019d do if you could escape.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9\u2019s breath stilled, her hand rested on the bar counter. She let a finger find its way to a drag of condensation that marked where the double\u2019s glass had sat for a moment. She felt its wet. She forgot the knife.<\/p>\n \u2014<\/p>\n Two days passed. Sani\u00e9 sat in her room pondering the pile of clothes still left by the wardrobe. She should pack them, she thought to herself. Though, the other Sani\u00e9 might find use for them. She skipped work that day. She wondered if Sandra would notice. David? Did she want them to care? She thought she did. It was a fair point that there were things she knew she have could tried to want the way she wanted the people at the office to think about where she was, even though the reality of her line of work was to be invisible. Maybe she wanted, though, to find love somewhere, to live on her own\u2014maybe she was meant to be an artist. She would go straight to the airport. She\u2019d book a flight to LA. Landing on the sun, she would call a friend she hadn\u2019t seen in four years to stay on their couch. She was having the thoughts. What would she even do in another life? Wouldn\u2019t she be the same? Or would the new place change her. Would she stop working phones? But there was nothing wrong with working a phone. Telling stories that meant something to someone even if they weren\u2019t shared with the world. At least she could tell when she was appreciated. But she could do that from anywhere. And when she was honest, she had not been in a place to devote herself to that work either, no matter how natural it had felt to begin it.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Mama and Baba\u2014they would be fine. The other Sani\u00e9 was more loving, would be kinder to them. More patient with their expectations and wants. Sandra, David, Andrea<\/span>\u2014they\u2019d be fine too. David liked anyone. Sandra seemed to prefer the other Sani\u00e9. Andrea<\/span>\u2014were they really even friends? The other Sani\u00e9 wouldn\u2019t stay on the phones long, regardless. Maybe she\u2019d go into sales for real. Start a marketing gig. Whatever people who are attractive and smart enough do. The other Sani\u00e9 would find love\u2014she was be more open to love than Sani\u00e9\u2014even unconventional love\u2014as willing as she was to be intimate with the men Sani\u00e9 spun lies for. The other Sani\u00e9 would find truth in the life that Sani\u00e9 built in deception. And Sani\u00e9 would try to build something true elsewhere. She could, right? Because anyone could. And even if she had decided to stay, would anything change? She would be on the phones again tonight. She would be eating a silent breakfast with her parents again in the morning.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She thought she could cry, but Sani\u00e9 did not cry. She had no time to pity anyone, much less herself. Sani\u00e9 heard a knock at the door. She knew it was Sani\u00e9. She picked up the canvas bag by the bed, the one she packed the night before. Phone, wallet, keys. She left the keys. She grabbed a passport. The knife was still in the bag. She hesitated, seeing it there. Another knock at the door. Baba groaned. \u201cI\u2019ll get it, Baba.\u201d The knife was dull, never once sharpened in twenty-five years in this building. She was still holding it when she opens the door.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHey there, stranger.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 gave herself another day in her world. She spent most of it watching TV with Baba and ignoring the calls from the health food store wondering why she hadn\u2019t shown up for her shift. Mama made dal chawal for dinner, and they talked about a cousin\u2019s wedding set for December.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She welcomed the other person into the house. \u201cTake off your shoes. Baba, this is Sani\u00e9, she\u2019ll be staying here for awhile,\u201d she said to her father.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWow, another Sani\u00e9. Hello, bete.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cArrhe,\u201d said Mama, coming in from the dining room where she\u2019d been working on her computer. \u201cWho\u2019s your friend, Sani\u00e9. What a beautiful girl.\u201d Both parents had smiles on their faces.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll be leaving now,\u201d Sani\u00e9 said to empty ears as Sani\u00e9 greets her parents. She gave them kisses on each cheek.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She walked toward the door, shut it silently behind her.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Standing on the landing, she heard laughter from inside. The knife was still in her bag. The door was still unlocked. She couldn\u2019t hear the birds or the traffic but she could see them from the hallway window. She took a step on the carpeted floor and rubbed her boot into its weave. There was not much to turn back for, her mind told her. Go, said her legs. But she didn\u2019t. She turned around and lifted a hand to the door.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sani\u00e9 opened it, the question lingering on her smile. Grasping the knife, Sani\u00e9 thrusted upwards, heartwards, wondering if it would reach the double\u2019s or her own. When the moment passed, a plume of smoke hovered before Sani\u00e9. The single remnant of a choice dissipating into the air, inevitable.<\/p>\n \n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" On the 14th floor of an unremarkable Chicago skyscraper, fourteen women and two men sat in small cubicles receiving phone calls from people searching for intimacy in a place free from shame. And it wasn\u2019t all people, if you want to be specific. It was men, mostly middle-aged men, mostly professional men, mostly white men, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":6948,"template":"","categories":[9,48,49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6943","article","type-article","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-aquifer","category-fiction","category-literary-features"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
\nThe man didn\u2019t laugh. \u201cWho\u2019s Andrea?\u201d<\/p>\n
\nSani\u00e9 paused a moment. \u201cStrange,\u201d she managed.<\/p>\n
\nAndrea<\/span> shrugged, admitted that she hadn\u2019t texted because Sani\u00e9 rarely joined anymore. Sani\u00e9 knew that it was true. The other Sani\u00e9 remained adamant.<\/p>\n
\n\u201cIsn\u2019t it your job to be nice to strangers on the phone, jeez.\u201d The man who gets no ass becomes instantly macho when their pinky so much as grazes one. \u201cWe met when I was scalping tickets outside the circus. Remember? Trampolines.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nSani\u00e9 registered the words. Tried to follow up with a how did you know, but as Sani\u00e9 began to ask, a phone started ringing. Looking back, a small red light at the desk she now occupied blinked blankly at her.<\/p>\n
\nHe smiled. \u201cSalaam, bete.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nThat banana bread was infamous. The crust. The center. It would never last more than an hour in the house. Sani\u00e9 smiled for the first time that day.<\/p>\n
\n\u201cNo, Baba.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nSani\u00e9 evaded the question, returning to the kitchen to grab four glasses. \u201cYou know. Here and there, working. How\u2019ve you been?\u201d
\nPleasantries were exchanged, the family sat together with their guest, and ziti was served. Miss Pettis led the conversation, talking about her grandkids and the block party happening next month. Sani\u00e9 waited for the inevitable turn towards her.<\/p>\n
\n\u201cDjinn, sweetie. I shouldn\u2019t know your culture better than you.\u201d She laughed. \u201cYour Mom was just telling me today about that story with your grandmother.\u201d
\n\u201cMama, what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\u201cDon\u2019t laugh, Baba!\u201d insisted Sani\u00e9. \u201cIt\u2019s your guys\u2019 fault I don\u2019t know anything about our culture, damn.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\u201cOkay, and what\u2019s a qareen?\u201d
\n\u201cEveryone has a qareen. It is the shadow of yourself. A djinn spirit attached to your soul.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\u201cAmma?\u201d asked Sani\u00e9.<\/p>\n
\n\u201cYou don\u2019t,\u201d his daughter asked.<\/p>\n
\nSani\u00e9 echoed. The conversation drifted, and Sani\u00e9 silently began collecting dishes. They ate slices of banana bread for dessert, and Sani\u00e9 listened as her parents and their friend talked about the growing sense of doom in today\u2019s politics, ultimately saying it\u2019s no worse than it ever was before moving on to the need for renovations in the building.<\/p>\n
\n\u201cNot intentionally, no. But it\u2019s nice to see you here. I wouldn\u2019t have thought you\u2019d like a place like this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\u201cNo?\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\u201cNo,\u201d the other woman replied, her voice sing song. \u201cThe ideal is to be the best version of myself, I guess. It\u2019s nice to walk around in the snow and have good sex and eat good food, etcetera.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nSani\u00e9 paused, recognizing that she hadn\u2019t been heard.<\/p>\n
\n\u201cNot yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\u201cAh, Sani\u00e9. I thought we were becoming friends.\u201d Her eyes seemed genuinely sad. \u201cI\u2019m only here because you needed me, you called me.\u201d<\/p>\n