{"id":4997,"date":"2020-02-10T08:00:45","date_gmt":"2020-02-10T08:00:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/floridareview.cah.ucf.edu\/?post_type=article&p=4997"},"modified":"2020-02-10T08:00:45","modified_gmt":"2020-02-10T08:00:45","slug":"ghosts-turned-blue","status":"publish","type":"article","link":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/","title":{"rendered":"Ghosts-Turned-Blue"},"content":{"rendered":"

Molly\u2019s friend Ronaldo orders a second old fashioned, and she has to tamp down the voice in her head that itches to inform him (to lecture<\/em>, she corrects herself) of what the ethanol (rotted plant waste <\/em>is the phrase she really wants to use) is doing to his brain. Sobriety has turned her into her mother-in-law, Didi, who flinches every time Molly inadvertently uses \u201cgod\u201d as an interjection. Didi assumes that the \u201cgod\u201d of Molly\u2019s interjections is Didi\u2019s God, that by saying, \u201cGod, I\u2019m exhausted,\u201d Molly is likening Didi\u2019s God to a \u201cwow\u201d or a \u201cwhoa\u201d or a \u201cyikes.\u201d This perceived degradation offends Didi, yes, but the flinch is also Didi suppressing the urge to warn Molly that she\u2019s booking herself a ticket on a high-speed train to hell. Molly has long found religious people intriguing in this respect\u2014how earnestly they believe that they\u2019re more enlightened than you and how this conviction convinces them it is their responsibility to instruct you on how to live. It\u2019s infuriating behavior for sure, but she empathizes with their plight. To believe so certainly that the mother of your grandchildren is going to hell if she doesn\u2019t change her ways, that\u2019s a tough predicament.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Alcohol is now for Molly like God is for Didi, in the sense that Molly has spent so much time reading and thinking and talking about alcohol these past few weeks that she believes she knows it far better than Ronaldo and all these other restaurant patrons drinking their fancy cocktails and their blood-hued wine. Because Ronaldo is her good friend and she loves him, she feels an urge to warn him (to proselytize<\/em>, Molly corrects).<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It\u2019s like one of those cartoons where the two characters are stranded on a lifeboat, starving, and one looks at his best friend, the chicken, and sees not his fluffy, feathery body but a golden-brown roast, his legs plump drumsticks. Super-imposed on Ronaldo\u2019s warm brown eyes, Molly sees a cirrhotic liver, barnacled instead of smooth. Then that image disappears like a slide she\u2019s clicked, replaced with\u2014Oh god: not some crappy, too-sweet old fashioned, but Molly\u2019s own former go-to drink: Maker\u2019s Mark, with one cube of ice slowly melting. The trick was to pace herself, so she could finish the drink just as the ice finally dissolved. That was the perfect last sip, the signal that she could order another.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Molly shakes her head to dislodge the Maker\u2019s, and Ronaldo\u2019s face returns to normal, except he\u2019s giving her a quizzical look. And Molly has to resist (the endless resistance! She understands why people use the expression \u201cwhite-knuckling\u201d; dinner at a restaurant is like gripping the side of a bouncy river raft) the urge to say, What the hell, dude? Why are you ordering a second cocktail in front of your good friend who has yet to make it past the one-month mark? Is that not a sign in and of itself of a drinking problem, of being in the thrall of alcohol, that you would make such a weak, selfish, and inconsiderate error in judgement? Does not such behavior warrant a lecture on ethanol and cirrhotic livers, since clearly Ronaldo needs saving from himself?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then again, did she not tell him barely forty minutes ago that he shouldn\u2019t censor his desire to drink? Did she not say confidently, \u201cI\u2019ve got this!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

These questions rattle in Molly\u2019s head like cubes of ice in a glass.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As though he can read her mind, Ronaldo says, \u201cYou said you don\u2019t even miss alcohol.\u201d The look in his eyes makes Molly think of how she feels playing arcade games\u2014braced the entire time for her avatar\u2019s impending pixel-dismantling death.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He says, \u201cFuck, Molly.\u201d He sticks up his hand to flag down their waitress.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The waitress quickly appears, and Ronaldo tries to cancel the drink, but Molly says, \u201cNo, don\u2019t cancel it. He wants the drink.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The waitress has a head of silvery white hair that is almost violet. Rather than make her look old or worn, her hair makes her vibrant and hip. She eyes Molly\u2019s pink prickly-pear lemonade, and Molly suspects that the woman has read this situation clearly. This embarrasses her. Alcohol is such a pervasive and deeply ingrained part of the culture that giving it up is akin to giving up gas-guzzling transportation. Forgoing it makes her seem snooty and judgmental. Her abstaining inconveniences people. Molly\u2019s friend Una commutes by bicycle only, which means no plans that include Una on the guest list can venture outside an approximately six-mile radius. And now Ronaldo feels like he can\u2019t have a second drink.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ronaldo says, \u201cPlease cancel it. Thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Molly says nothing, but she is already considering what she will write about this experience tonight in her online community of other people giving up alcohol without AA. The problem with AA, the group ethos goes, is that it is all about willpower, and so all about fighting your cravings. Instead Molly is learning to deconstruct her cravings so that eventually they aren\u2019t cravings anymore. Supposedly this makes not drinking about gain rather than about loss. Supposedly it will make her more present and more joyful.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But here she is sitting across the table from her longtime friend, yet she\u2019s thinking about the conversation she will later have about him with other people, strangers she doesn\u2019t know anything about other than that they too have quit drinking. Well, that, and that they share her resistance to AA: a resistance which is not merely about AA glamorizing alcohol (as a permanent \u201ccraving\u201d that needs to be resisted \u201cone day at a time\u201d), but also about its emphasis on submitting to a higher power. Molly isn\u2019t \u201cpresent,\u201d she\u2019s far away, imagining herself back in her bedroom, a space that\u2019s felt cavernous ever since Connor moved out last year, and now, without her nightly, companionable Maker\u2019s Mark, that much emptier.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Clearly Connor is not going to come to his senses, recognize how hard Molly is trying, how much she deserves to get him back. \u201cGood for you,\u201d he\u2019d said when she told him she\u2019d quit drinking. It was hard to explain what was so chilly, so measured about the phrase. On paper, it sounded supportive. But Connor\u2019s delivery turned it into something else. It was that subtle way Connor emphasized \u201cyou.\u201d He communicated that Molly\u2019s quitting drinking was something that now benefitted her alone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

What do cravings become once they are no longer cravings? Molly has never posed the question to her group. She thinks of arcade games again. They were Connor\u2019s thing. She\u2019d always kind of hated them\u2014even Pac-Man, her game of choice\u2014because they made her so damn tense. Curious how those blocky ghosts\u2019 pursuit of the little yellow corn kernel of a figure her hand was controlling could raise her heart rate so much. But she had always chosen to play rather than sit on the red sofa and wait for Connor to be done. She had chosen to play despite how much the experience frazzled her. Because there were brief moments of pleasure in playing Pac-Man, such as when she managed to maneuver her Pac-Man toward a piece of fruit, or better yet, toward a ghost-turned-blue. Then her Pac-Man could destroy the thing that had been taunting him, but only temporarily, until the ghosts resumed their normal coloring and consequently their normally lethal nature. Is that what a craving became when it was no longer a craving? A ghost-turned-blue that could turn on her at any moment? Because as much as she wanted to, she could not believe cravings could remain always and forever ghosts-turned-blue.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Or maybe the problem is she\u2019s using the wrong metaphor? Maybe cravings dissolve into nothingness, like when Pac-Man dies three times and no jiggling of the joystick or the coin slot will bring him back to life unless you put in another quarter?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The problem is she can always get her hands on another quarter. So how do you make the cravings stop for good? You take a baseball bat to the machine and, after that, every other Pac-Man machine in existence?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And can the same alchemy be applied to Connor? Can she take a baseball bat to the memory of him? Make her longing for Connor disappear? Molly imagines asking this to a bunch of strangers who will reassure her (grandmotherly Pat134 and sarcastic but steadfast trickynick): You\u2019ve got this, girl.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

To believe so certainly that the mother of your grandchildren is going to hell if she doesn’t change her ways, that’s a tough predicament.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":4999,"template":"","categories":[9,48,49],"tags":[1381,1382,6,1383,1384,331,1385,1386,1387,1388],"class_list":["post-4997","article","type-article","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-aquifer","category-fiction","category-literary-features","tag-alcoholics-anonymous","tag-alcoholism","tag-aquifer-the-florida-review-online","tag-break-ups","tag-cravings","tag-friendship","tag-ghosts-turned-blue","tag-kim-magowan","tag-michelle-ross","tag-pac-man"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nGhosts-Turned-Blue - The Florida Review<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Ghosts-Turned-Blue - The Florida Review\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"To believe so certainly that the mother of your grandchildren is going to hell if she doesn't change her ways, that's a tough predicament.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"The Florida Review\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/43\/2020\/02\/Michelle-Ross-and-Kim-Magowan-h.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1491\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"918\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/\",\"name\":\"Ghosts-Turned-Blue - The Florida Review\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/43\/2020\/02\/Michelle-Ross-and-Kim-Magowan-h.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2020-02-10T08:00:45+00:00\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/43\/2020\/02\/Michelle-Ross-and-Kim-Magowan-h.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/43\/2020\/02\/Michelle-Ross-and-Kim-Magowan-h.jpg\",\"width\":1491,\"height\":918,\"caption\":\"Authors Michelle Ross and Kim Magowan.\"},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Ghosts-Turned-Blue\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/\",\"name\":\"The Florida Review\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Ghosts-Turned-Blue - The Florida Review","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Ghosts-Turned-Blue - The Florida Review","og_description":"To believe so certainly that the mother of your grandchildren is going to hell if she doesn't change her ways, that's a tough predicament.","og_url":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/","og_site_name":"The Florida Review","og_image":[{"width":1491,"height":918,"url":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/43\/2020\/02\/Michelle-Ross-and-Kim-Magowan-h.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Est. reading time":"7 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/","url":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/","name":"Ghosts-Turned-Blue - The Florida Review","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/43\/2020\/02\/Michelle-Ross-and-Kim-Magowan-h.jpg","datePublished":"2020-02-10T08:00:45+00:00","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/43\/2020\/02\/Michelle-Ross-and-Kim-Magowan-h.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/43\/2020\/02\/Michelle-Ross-and-Kim-Magowan-h.jpg","width":1491,"height":918,"caption":"Authors Michelle Ross and Kim Magowan."},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/ghosts-turned-blue\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Ghosts-Turned-Blue"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/#website","url":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/","name":"The Florida Review","description":"","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/article\/4997","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/article"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/article"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/article\/4997\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4999"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4997"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4997"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4997"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}