{"id":4874,"date":"2020-01-24T08:30:44","date_gmt":"2020-01-24T08:30:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/floridareview.cah.ucf.edu\/?post_type=article&p=4874"},"modified":"2020-01-24T08:30:44","modified_gmt":"2020-01-24T08:30:44","slug":"bite-me","status":"publish","type":"article","link":"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/bite-me\/","title":{"rendered":"Bite Me"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u00a0<\/span>I\u2019m reading a non-fiction piece by a cable TV tech<\/p>\n

who says she told a customer that she needs<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>to get into the basement to run a line, and the customer<\/p>\n

says, \u201cYou can\u2019t go in the basement\u2014it\u2019s a mess,\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>and the cable TV tech says, \u201cLook, I\u2019ve seen it all,<\/p>\n

so unless you\u2019ve got a kid in a cage down there,<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>nothing will bother me,\u201d and the customer pauses<\/p>\n

for a beat and says, \u201cNot a kid.\u201d Just then<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>the phone rings, and it\u2019s a friend who tells me<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>he\u2019s thinking about taking up fox hunting<\/p>\n

but hesitates when I ask him if there are foxes<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>where he lives. I tell him to go ahead, though:<\/p>\n

this way, he\u2019ll have all the fun of fox hunting<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>and none of the barbarism, presuming some other<\/p>\n

prey appears, of course, like geese or skateboarders.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>Or your own thoughts: isn\u2019t being startled<\/p>\n

by some idea or feeling that you never knew<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>you had in the first place just the best? Think how<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>smart you feel when you\u2019re crossing the street<\/p>\n

or walking through the woods and suddenly you see<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>how the coadjutant power of an atom is determined<\/p>\n

by the number of hydrogen atoms that it combines with<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>or what Kant meant by the categorical imperative<\/p>\n

or why your mom stayed with your dad even after<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>he kept getting arrested, especially that one time.<\/p>\n

\u201cTo live is so startling, it leaves but little room<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>for other occupations,\u201d says Emily Dickinson,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>and surely that\u2019s how people felt at Elvis\u2019s first<\/p>\n

stage show, because here was a kid who wasn\u2019t<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>playing country, said producer Sam Phillips,<\/p>\n

and he wasn\u2019t playing rhythm \u2018n\u2019 blues, and he<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>looked \u201ca little greasy,\u201d and the venue was \u201cjust<\/p>\n

a joint,\u201d and the audience was a bunch of<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>hard-drinking folks who weren\u2019t about to settle for<\/p>\n

a tepid performance, but they didn\u2019t have to,<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>because their reaction, said Phillips, was \u201cjust<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>incredible<\/em>.\u201d I\u2019m so happy that those people<\/p>\n

had that experience. It must have been<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>the best surprise. I think probably the worst<\/p>\n

surprise is to have a heart attack during a game<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>of charades, because either people will think<\/p>\n

you\u2019re mimicking someone having a heart attack<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>or else you\u2019re doing an absolutely terrible job<\/p>\n

of acting out the scenario you\u2019re supposed to be<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>acting out, such as transcribing a Beethoven<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>sonata but in a different key from the original<\/p>\n

or knitting a muffler to give your granny for<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>Christmas or Hanukkah, if she\u2019s Jewish.<\/p>\n

This one woman said her biggest surprise<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>was when she woke up after an unsuccessful<\/p>\n

suicide attempt: she\u2019d checked into a motel,<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>put a plastic sheet on the bed, lain down,<\/p>\n

and swallowed what she thought would be<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>an overdose of pills only to be found by<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>the housekeeper the next morning and wake up<\/p>\n

a few days later in a psychiatric ward. \u201cI was<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>very upset I had failed,\u201d she said. Not me,<\/p>\n

I say. Kill yourself and you miss out on<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>the eight million little surprises that happen<\/p>\n

every day, such as the time last week when a tiny<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>slip of a student came to my office to drop off<\/p>\n

some work, and we chatted for a minute,<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>and it turns out she\u2019s a German major,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>and when I say why German, she says, “I want<\/p>\n

to be a butcher, and the best butchery schools<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>are in Germany.” Take that, you village explainers<\/p>\n

who say that humanities degrees are worthless!<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>Lucky student. She\u2019ll be in Germany for a year,<\/p>\n

and after that, who knows where? Anthony<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>Bourdain says, “Travel changes you. As you<\/p>\n

move through this life and this world, you change<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>things slightly, you leave marks behind,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>however small. And in return, life and travel<\/p>\n

leave marks on you.\u201d Bourdain is also the guy<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>who said, “Your body is not a temple, it’s an<\/p>\n

amusement park. Enjoy the ride.” Someone<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>who always enjoys the ride is Percy, the neighbor\u2019s<\/p>\n

cat, who comes over every day to bite me.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>There I am, having coffee on the deck<\/p>\n

and reading the newspapers, and Percy settles<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>down between my feet and looks at them as<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>though he\u2019s studying the menu board at<\/p>\n

a McFriendly\u2019s and trying to decide whether<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>he wants the Chocolate Chili Cheese Dog<\/p>\n

or the Big Bubba Bacon Bomb. When my friend<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>who wants to take up foxhunting gets off<\/p>\n

the phone, I start reading again, which is when<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>I learn that the cable TV tech goes down into<\/p>\n

the customer\u2019s basement and finds, not a kid<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>in a cage, but a man, and actually a happy man<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>at that, if \u201chappy\u201d is the word you\u2019d use to<\/p>\n

describe someone who is paying the householder<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>to lock him up and starve him and beat him<\/p>\n

regularly or whatever it is that a sex worker<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>does to someone who takes delight in<\/p>\n

a leisure-time activity that wouldn\u2019t exactly<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>make my heart leap up with joy, but then<\/p>\n

there you have it. Oh, go ahead and bite me,<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>Percy. You\u2019ll only surprise me if you don\u2019t.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Unless you’ve got a kid in a cage down there, nothing will bother me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":4886,"template":"","categories":[9,49,119],"tags":[1348,6,1349,1350,1351,1352,1353,1354,1355,1356,1357],"class_list":["post-4874","article","type-article","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-aquifer","category-literary-features","category-poetry","tag-anthony-bourdain","tag-aquifer-the-florida-review-online","tag-bite-me","tag-cats","tag-david-kirby","tag-elvis-presley","tag-emily-dickinson","tag-immanuel-kant","tag-ludwig-von-beethoven","tag-sam-phillips","tag-surprises"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nBite Me - The Florida Review<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cah.ucf.edu\/floridareview\/article\/bite-me\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Bite Me - 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